Write or Wrong.

I think I prefer to write because you can edit what you say before the rest of the world reads it. Because it's easier to save what you say for another day and you won't feel as though the moment has passed you by. There's no awkward fumbling over words or leaving out an important thought or two.

Then again, I guess there's something beautifully raw about saying something face to face. Being so completely vulnerable in front of someone else yet still doing your best to open up. That's tough. At least it is for me.

I still get so incredibly nervous because I still believe things are too good to be true. Any moment this can all disappear, and I may very well be left with nothing. And yet, I feel so very safe when you're around. Nothing else matters anymore. I can't really describe it more than that.

Is this all just too crazy?
I'm going on 2 hours of sleep still and it's getting late. I'm for all my craziness. You shouldn't have to deal with it.

Lion.

Ever have one of those moments when you can't bring yourself to say something but in your mind you're just screaming it with the hopes that someone else can just read your mind and hear those silent screams?

My God, I am a coward.
Just call me a lion.

Sober Conversation.

I am very grateful that I have people I can have an intellectual conversation with. I like that I have people who I can hang out with anytime and always have something interesting to talk about. Someone who I can always click with, not a single moment of awkwardness. No need for some drinks to intoxicate, to make a situation more amusing. Not needing a designated driver because the rest of the group would be incapable of maneuvering a big vehicle. Being able to drink beverages that wouldn't require an ID.

Things are good enough sober...

Contentness.

I want to write! I do not care if I still have studying left to do and that it's already 1:30 in the morning. I'm gonna just use the excuse that writing is a way of clearing my mind, therefore allowing me to do a better job at focusing on my studying later on.

Today was and ideal day, that I would not mind repeating anytime soon (besides all things school related: studying and taking tests). I think it's sorta funny that so many of my friends went back to Oxford, mainly with the intent of visiting the people who are still there, old teachers and the students who are still there. Yet, for me at least, it felt so wonderful to see how many of the alumni just came back and were able to catch up again. I am so very fond of all the people I crossed paths with today, people I only talked to for a few minutes and others who I hung out with over lunch.

I want to just freeze everything,
and somehow magically make sure that these people
will be in my life
forever.

I don't think I've felt this kind of happiness in a very long time.
It's utter contentment.
It's finally seeing a friend after months apart
and feeling so much reassurance
in seeing that we still click.
We're still as close as ever,
since period 2 Spanish.
It's walking around in bookstores
and looking at stuff we can't afford.
It's the hugs that aren't just hugs.
They are hugs that say,
"Hey, let's stay close like this forever.
Let me keep you forever."

It's sitting there and literally thinking to yourself,
"Is this real? I think it is.
Wow.. awesome."

Yeah... Today was a good day.

I chickened out again today.
Maybe tomorrow...

Seemingly Powerless.

I think we tend to overlook a great deal in our lives and the actual power such overlooked things hold. (Did that make any sense?) It's the random messages shared between two friends throughout the day that seem like a bunch of nonsense to a third party that actually builds a bond between two people that no one can break. It's the slip of a cup that brings back a flood of memories and a great deal of laughter. It's the bagged lunches your mom still makes for you before you leave for school that tell you that she'll always be there for you. It's the one little sentence that gives you hope that everything will work out for the best. It's the kiss that still makes you wonder if the last few months were even real, as they seem far too good to be true. It's listening to that one song in your car that gets you smiling and happy every. single. freaking. time. It's making a wish at the same time every night that may seem incredibly childish to some, but sorta gives you a sense of hope for the impossible or for what you want most in the world.

Take a look at your day a little more closely.
Chances are you might have overlooked something too.


On a random note, my friends are coming home this week. Not just some of them, but basically ALL of them. I am quite excited, and clearly my words here are not even doing the excitement justice.

When I was at Walgreens today, I saw a card that was labeled in the category "It's been a while, but I'm always here to be your friend." They make pre-made cards for everything now. I wonder how difficult it would be write cards like that, like in (500) Days of Summer! Fun.

Ramble.

I am naturally a worry wart. I cannot help it when I start to worry about something small and automatically begin to over think it. Never mind the fact that this shows that I share a great deal of similar psychological symptoms to a person who is OCD. Indeed, I have looked back at certain moments in my life in which I worried about losing people and friendships and saw some freakish obsessive behavior going on. It's quite shameful for me now as I look back. If someone was angry or just didn't act their normal, happy self, I would simply assume that I did something wrong and they were mad at me. If there is even a slight chance that I forgot to bring something or get something done, I will not feel comfortable until I know for certain the task was completed. This was always just something I have accepted about myself throughout my life, and thus I sort of lived with it. I don't wanna anymore!

I want to not worry or over think, and just be happy with what I have. I want to ignore the stupid gut feeling I've got if ever it is telling me that something will not go my way. I want to learn to simply be grateful to the people around me and my God above for everything. It will be difficult.

I want to do well on my finals, therefore I must stop writing.
I just felt like writing...

:)

The world must see this.

[Abriged.]

You knit me sweaters and baked me cookies. You broke my heart when I saw that you were sick, and mended it back up again when you wouldn't let go of my hand.

I miss you.

Turn Table.

So I drove my big cousin around today, and suddenly I got this flashback of sitting in the passenger seat of her [red?] convertible as she drove me down a brick street in Larned, Kansas. It was then when I realized that the youngest of the cousins was finally grown up, even though just a few days ago, she said she still felt like a kid. I think my reaction in my mind was, "What the cuuuuuss?" (Go watch the Fantastic Mr. Fox. George Clooney is awesome even as a fox.)

This past week was probably one of the best weeks I've had this entire year, and the fun just keeps on going. It was one of those weeks where you just gotta soak in every moment and live it up. I am surrounded by the people I love and couldn't ask for anything better.

There's still a lot to look forward to...
-Starbucks run with Rachel.
-Tamale Making.
-Shopping, My materialistic side has been stifled, and I like buying presents..
-BIRTHDAY. Disneyland, here I come.
-Christmas.
-This semester finally being over.
-More friends coming home.
-Potential trip to San Francisco?
-Movies! Sherlock Holmes and Alice in Wonderland.

I have nothing philosophical to talk of lately...
I refuse to fully acknowledge the Christmas music on the radio until my birthday has passed. I will not let it be overwhelmed by Christmas. I refuse.

perfection.

Day 1.

The first day of my awesome week was a success in my opinion, except the fact that I am still awake and studying rather poorly for my tests. I will surely be sore tomorrow, but biking to the beach with some awesome friends was definitely worth it. Tomorrow will be grand! I foresee it now.

...Why am I writing here?
Procrastination.
I should leave.

Goodnight!

Supposed Nothingness.

I stayed up til 3am talking to an old friend that I miss terribly
and writing a bunch of nonsense for the world to potentially read.
I slept in until 12:45 snuggled up under four wonderful layers of blankets.
Now I will feast! On some pizza and Dr. Pepper.

No plans for the rest of today...
But I'm very excited for the day!

I love days like this.
Days when there isn't a specific schedule I gotta stick to.
I can just do whatever the heck I want.
It's nice. I don't appreciate these days enough.


I hope I get to see Sarah today..

Secret.

Wanna know a secret? In my mind, I'm freaking out. I've been freaking out for days, weeks possibly. The sad part is that I don't even know how long it has been going on, but I know it's been a while. The worst part is that the more reasonable side of my brain is telling me that I have no reason to blow things out of proportion and make a nothing into a something.

I feel scared,
but I cannot articulate what I am scared of.

I think that's the worst part, not really know what I'm scared of. That and coming close to trying to explain it to someone, but chickening out because when it comes time to justifying why I am scared, I will be left speechless and unsure. I do not know why I feel scared. I just do.

There's a particularly strong sense of uncertainty that I feel with life. Then again, I guess there is always uncertainty in everything. Maybe, just maybe, it makes life worth living, constantly trying to figure out what happens next. I know I'll be okay with however life turns out, I just selfishly and desperately want it to go my way.

I really just shouldn't be allowed to write this late.

People.

You know how there are some people in your life that you know will just always be there for you no matter what the circumstances are? You can be separated for weeks or months at a time, but when they're around, it's like nothing ever changed. And then there are the people you know are only in your life if you're physically around them. If not, you don't really have any contact with them. Your lives easily stray towards their own separate paths.

Then there's the person you were never quite sure of. It's those person who had the potential to leave forever, yet somehow managed to stay around and become a life long friend. Or it's the person you quietly hoped would always be there or at least show that they wanted to be there whenever life needed them around but seemed to choose not to in the end. This is the confusing one.

See, with the people who will clearly stay and clearly leave, you're able to brace yourself for the best or the worst. Your expectations allow you to not feel hurt when people walk out of your life. But I think the worst is wanting someone so badly to just be there and be your friend one more time like the way things used to be only to see that the past is the past. In some ways, life can never truly go back to the way things were, back to a time when you didn't yet know how to fully appreciate what you had. Realizing a person could be gone forever hurts. I'm not very fond of the idea of it.

But more recently, I'm seeing that a person can seem gone but can always come back to you. It's nice.

Just know, if you want, I'll always be here to do my best to be that friend who will walk back into your life. You're always welcome to come back and be my friend again too. There is no guarantee that this will go smoothly or that things will go back to the same old same old. I don't know if you can really guarantee anything in life, but I think it's worth a shot. I've missed you. I still do, friends.

I want...

-the Star Trek movie.
-and the Star Wars trilogy (the good ones, episode IV - VI, not that other stuff).
-and Inglorious Basterds when it comes out.
-and an external hard drive.
-and new books to read.
-and a working desktop.
-and giftcards because they make spending feel less guilty.
-and yellow flowers to make my room pretty again (though the mess sorta counteracts that, huh?)
-and some good strings for my guitar.
-and nothing generic like lotion. I have enough of that to last me a while now...
-and rain.
-and new songs.
-and some motivation.
-and a vacation to some place cool like New York or San Francisco.
-and a job.
-and for gas prices to keep going down.
-and... i'm out for now.

In case you didn't catch on, this was a wish list for people who have been bugging me about making one. I know I will regret this if I get doubles. Seriously, I like cards. And hugs. And cookies. And just hanging. But if you insist on encouraging my unnecessary materialistic side, there it is. I may or may not update it later.

Dear God,

Do you remember when I was a kid, and practically every year, You would make it rain on my birthday? I remember not liking it because I couldn't play outside and it was cold and I didn't know how to appreciate it then. Well, I can now. I love rain, and with the help of my rain boots, it's awesome. I know it's almost a month until my birthday, but please accept this early request. Please let it rain on my birthday. I will be eternally grateful.

Your's always,
Kimly

The Shins.

Gosh, looking back on this month, it's been pretty awesome. I have a lot to look forward to within the next two weeks. I simply cannot wait. I do admit to have my moments when I act awfully like a stereotypical girl and choose to allow my moodiness and bitterness to get the better of me, but overall, I'm happy.

My shins have been hurting for days. Walking sucks. For some reason, I keep wondering if by some freak chance I have shin splits. But that only happens to people who run on a normal basis and have done track for four years. I am so far from that... I am most likely just overreacting.

Top test score in my econ class of over 100 students. I felt awesome.
I HATED econ in high school. And now, I'm awesome. (kidding.)

Today was .. today made me happy. I just remembered my leftover chocolate which makes me even more happy. (This post has no point. Can you tell yet?) I am very grateful to God and the people in my life for making it worth living. I think I've focused too much on what hasn't really gone right in life and allowed myself to sulk over that. But more recently, today more than anything, I am very happy and lucky and grateful for everything I have. Life is good.

What I'm looking forward to:
-DISNEYLAND. Lots and lots of it. Ohh yeaaah... It's gonna look awesome with all of the Christmas decorations up.
-Ikea breakfast with Sarah!
-Thanksgiving dinner! I don't care when people say it's just like Christmas dinner, this will forever be my favorite meal of the year. Pumpkin pie! YUM.
-Deep fried turkey, deep fried oreos, deep fried everything!
-Girls' Night Out: Post Thanksgiving Celebration.
-Beach biking with Rachel Om.
-6 months.
-Wednesday game nights!
-Xmas shopping, the most stressful fun of the year.
-19th Birthday. I may make a Wish List... I don't know yet.
-Tamales!

I just want my friends home now. I love this time of year.

Someone Black Friday shop with me! I need a partner.

"He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." John 8:7

I think the world needs to remember this more...

YUM.

I fully acknowledge that my baking skills are far below mediocre and they aren't really worthy of bragging on any level. I do feel sorry for my future children since they probably won't receive the greatest baking that many Mormon mothers are able to provide. But, hot damn, these chocolate chip cookies sure do make me happy.

[untitled.]

"It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody, and I love somebody." - fun.

There are certain lines of certain songs that get me every time. I love somebody.

Fluctuating.

I am thinking too much again. I feel it.

Disappointing exam. I sorta hate him for telling us that price ceiling and floors wouldn't be on it, only to stick it on anyway. Those were two questions I struggled with and hated myself for not knowing. I hate when a part of me is angry at myself like that. Still, he is a good teacher. I'm just not the good student I should be to do well.

I do think this afternoon was perfect. I should go to the beach more often, especially Newport. If I could, I do think I would try to go every day. I wish I had taken more pictures though (which reminds me, I should upload what I did take picture of right now). The wonderful memory will stay in my head for years, all of it. The smell of the McDonald's french fries. The seagulls. The beautiful houses. Good Company. It was perfect.

California Adventure makes me happy.

I can't sleep as much these days, mostly because I'm thinking too much. I'm thinking and I don't really have a way to get my thoughts out properly. I miss people and it puts me in a seemingly depressed state. I vent to some people, but venting doesn't help anymore. All I want to do is fix things and make things better, not simply pretend like everything is okay and push it away towards the deep corners of my thoughts. I feel lonely. I want my friends back.

I am selfish in my writing, in all of my writing. I'm write with the hopes that I can let out my thoughts, not privately, but to the world. In this way, maybe I can dream wonderful dreams again and not have this headache and my small number of readers won't have to listen to petty complaints.

Don't think me to be depressed.
In general, life is good and I am happy.
I'm just thinking too much.

etch-a-sketch.

i had too much fun drawing this.

crazy love.

fills me with gust.

Just in case.

In life, I've come to notice that whenever people see another person ask for money, they tend to walk the other way. Seeing someone dirty, who clearly hasn't had a shower in days with a cardboard sign asking for money is kinda scary. Another argument is that these people don't deserve money. They really are just the bums they appear to be, not bothering at all to get off their butts and get a job. Whatever the excuse, people choose one and allow their prejudice to take over. And in all honesty, I am sometimes guilty of being one of them.

But most of the time, or whenever I can, I think to myself... What if that was Jesus? That probably sounds lame of me, but true. I can't help but think, if that was Jesus begging me for money, I wouldn't just give the couple dollar bills in my wallet, I would want to give Him everything I owned. So just in case that person sitting on the side of the road asking for money is Him, I like to think it wouldn't really hurt for my wallet to be a few dollars lighter.

food photography.

i think the best thing about food photography is being able to eat your wonderful piece of art afterward.

vampire cousin.

i have conquered you!
and your evil ways.

your presence always seemed to linger,
didn't it?
you constantly posed as a threat
to me,
to my happiness,
to my mere future.
even now when you're gone,
you still manage to.
and i don't like you for that.

i'm pretty sure you hated me.
you probably still do
as i type these very words.

i think of you
as a vampire.
or at least a cousin of one.
you suck the life out of people around you.
or maybe it's just your secret obsession with them
that you attempt to cover up
by mocking them with your other little friends.
but i know you.
you deceive people.
everyone.

i don't want to be your friend,
but i still hate that i hurt you.
it doesn't matter, does it?
you only choose carefully who you want to stay close to.
i wasn't one of those people.
i wasn't worth it.
makes me want to hurt you even more.

(i killed a mosquito in the bathroom like 12 minutes ago. this was to him. or her. i couldn't tell. i'm a little loopy right now. i don't want to do calculus homework anymore. curses. i hate vampires. except that one juno song! good song..random.)

The Things I Love when I see Love.

-Old couples past the age of 60 holding hands when they walk somewhere.
-People going on their routine walks together in the evenings.
-Two people who still manage to be fascinated with each other after 16 years of marriage.
-Little girls who give their 4th grade boyfriends pencil lead for Christmas.
-Cheesy moments meant only for the movies.
-Lyrics of a song.
-The love expressed in ways other than words.

Interpretation.

So apparently, many people have dreams that have to do with teeth falling out or suddenly crumbling or getting really crooked really easily.

I googled the meaning of such dreams. I'm really bored. Anyway according to dreammoods.com having dreams about teeth can show a potential anxiety about your appearance or how people perceive you. Or the whole "my teeth are falling out" dream can have a connection of being embarrassed or even the loss of power a person may fall victim to after losing said teeth.

Lame.

I am not satisfied with this.

Irrational Thinking.

I think I've come to realize that I don't often listen to reason as much as I probably should. You know when you're making a decision and everyone else in the world seems to be telling you to not do it, but you don't care and you just do it anyway? That's me. I don't listen to the voice of reason, whoever's voice it may be.

A lot of times as a kid, I would always brush aside some sort of wisdom shared with me by some older adult and simply do whatever it was that I wanted to do. Mostly because I was a stubborn little brat who didn't know how to take good advice when it came to her. Also because of the fact that I always wanted to go with what my gut said, just because it felt good to listen to it. And if my choice was the wrong choice in the end, I had to simply face the consequences and make the best of what I had.

I'm still like that today.

I think... even though there are a lot of amazing friends out there who give good advice when it comes to the rational reasoning in another person's life, when it comes to their own, they won't be so rational. I think a lot of us have this sense of being irrational within themselves. Don't hate me for saying this, but I think another word for it is hope. This irrationality that sometimes dwells within us is the hope that in the end, against all odds and what the rest of the world may foresee, maybe something can go our way. And if that's the case, I don't think I mind being irrational sometimes.

pet peeve.

when people spell "hi" like "hai."

why?? why must you do that? you're not five, and if the government has done it's job, then i'm pretty sure you must've learned a little something in the 13 years of school you were forced to go to. even my five year old niece knows better than that.

go back to school, fool.

[untitled.]

i want to sew again.
and sketch.
and clean my room.
and repaint my room!
and get better at knitting.
and play an instrument well.

and i don't like that i can never get myself inspired unless it's past 11 pm and i'm all sleepy. i'm all antsy inside.

passionfruit.

i never really did the whole "pursue your passions" thing. party because i don't think i ever really found something that i loved enough to call it a passion. mostly because whenever i found something that i kinda liked, for some stupid reason, i always thought that it was too late for me. i was never really able to let go of that mindset, strangely, even now.

but i do love that you shared your's with me today.
it wasn't boring, i promise.
i loved watching every minute of it.

dreaming. [what a lame title.]

i had the most wonderful dream last night.
though i only remember one single moment in that dream,
which in real life
would probably last a total of 20 seconds.

you know the feeling when you wake up from a dream,
and for a few seconds,
you think it's real?

i felt that this morning,
and realized what it was.
just a dream.

ramble ramble.

i wonder...
if it's this late at night
and my mind is so terribly unfocused,
will my words make sense?
or better yet,
can they actually sound pleasing to a 3rd party?

i found myself reading,
when my pencil should have been scribbling
numbers that make absolutely no sense to me.
i was lazy so i didn't read the blog from the beginning.
the furthest i got was last january.
tonight i read it from start to finish.
it scares me to know that i don't really know someone.
it scares me to know think of their life before me.
and mine before them.
only cause
it means there's a chance
that their life can go on without me
and mine without them.
i loved it and hated it
all at once.

i wish that writing hadn't stopped.
so my reading wouldn't have to stop either,
and not just because i don't want to return to calculus.
i can write all night
and avoid it all together!
i should be wearing my procrastinators tee.
what an ideal moment for it.

it's wandering...

i daresay, today was a wonderful day.
(actually it was yesterday.)
i was a kid again
while still allowed to do adult things,
like drive
or curse if i wished.
i did not.

i want to tell people who i feel.
if i'm scared of you, i'll tell you.
if i'm jealous of you, i'll tell you.
if i'm angry at you, i'll tell you.
if i'm fond of you, i'll tell you.
if i miss you, i'll tell you.
if i hate you, i'll tell you.
if i love you, i'll tell you.

i cannot.
most likely will not.
is it strange that telling someone you love them
is just as scary as telling someone you hate them?
if not scarier.
i wonder why that is.

i know.
it's putting yourself out there.
(or maybe..MAYBE
it's the fact that people don't really know what love is yet
and they use that phrase like it's nothing
without any real understanding.)
is it strange that the person
who you want to express your love to
should be the last person you're scared of sharing said feelings with?
i think so.
(i don't know what i'm talking about anymore.)

i've been trying to tell people for weeks
that they scare me
and that i miss them
and that i hate them.
(i really shouldn't hate.
resent? no..
uhmm. shoot.
frustrated with!
i am frustrated with you!!
better.)
i cannot.

you know what i hate?
how much freaking alliterations is ALWAYS in my writing.

it's wandering again...
oh, thoughts.
back to calculus.
never do i feel more like a chump,
than when i'm struggling in calculus.
curses.

“ Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

i heard this in church while sitting in church today and read it while looking through blogs today. i think Someone is trying to tell me something...

good company.

i had one of those moments yesterday, when i was sitting in the passenger seat on the way to huntington beach. it was one of those moments when i sorta zone out and feel as though my mind is just floating outside of my body, taking a look at my life in a totally different perspective. and i wonder how i managed to be so lucky. particularly with the person sitting next to me.

i've never done any great things in my life. i'm not the best conversationalist and i'm not particularly funny or anything close. i didn't deserve to be in such good company, not one bit. it was then i realized that life seemed too good to be true, so naturally something was out of place. the way things turned out seemed so very odd it. not a bad odd, just odd. odd that i managed to find someone so amazing, who apparently didn't mind being around me.

and then i wondered what life would be like if i were to run out of luck and i would lose such company. it worried me for a bit until i came back, mind no longer floating elsewhere. now very self conscious and unaware of how long i had zoned out, i decided to not question my luck anymore.

life was wonderful, and that's all that really mattered.

bipolar.

i've come to the conclusion that i'm bipolar with each day.

i looked at the world differently today. maybe because it was my last day at soak city, and i didn't really have anything to worry about. today was really long and really, really tiring. i'll miss the people i once dreaded being around. is that weird? but still, it's true. it was bittersweet. but sitting at the table with these people and laughing as hard as we did... making plans for the future after we've sorta gone on our own separate paths... it was nice.

i grew up a little more this summer thanks to them.

grand night.

"No, nothing in movies really exists... except love!" - Rachel Burley.

that made me laugh. a lot.

steps.

the way i see it, there are certain steps when it comes to a relationship. not just any kind of relationship, mind you, but the boy like girl kind of relationship. (then again, maybe it's just the steps to liking someone in that particular kind of liking sort of way.) i fully understand that they may not all follow these steps precisely or even at all. this is my interpretation of it all.

step one is actually talking to that person. now you may have talked to this person for years before and never really thought much about it, or this may be the first time you really talk to a person. you can speak to a person for a lifetime without really talking to them. anyway, in this first step you start to really get to know the other person, in ways you never really expected. you really begin to notice their existence, it's more obvious when they're around or worse, not around.

moving on, there's step 2. that's when you hang out, but it's the awkward kind of hanging out. not necessarily a bad awkward, but just awkward. it's the time when you're not quite sure of the other party feels the same way towards you or whether this is just you making an absolutely awful assumption. it's the time period when you think something might happen or it's just the beginning of nothing at all. it's during this time when you must be particularly careful of what you say. and every self conscious word is so obviously filled with this attempted wit, yet comes out as idiotic. this is the step where every encounter ends in that weird hug where you may think it's something special, when in actually may just be a hug between two friends. this is the uncertain step.

step 3! this is where the fun really begins, but unfortunately the confusion doesn't end. we call it the hand holding step. it's has quite the subtle, yet potentially very quick transition from step 2. you and your special friend are hanging out, in a group or on your very lonesome, and suddenly you realize that hands are being held. prior to the hand holding you may have simply thought about the robots attacking each other on the giant screen in front of you, or you might have been begging for this to happen, but only in your mind of course. anyway, that holding hand talks A LOT. it says 'hey, hi, how's it going? so here's the deal, i like you. and it's enough to want to hold your hand. now, this doesn't necessarily mean we're going out or we are now some form of an item, but it means i like you. and if you don't let go of me right away, it means you like me too. so if you'll let me, i'd like to hold your hand, and not let go for a very long time, or ever! ooh, that would be nice. oh, and don't mind the sweaty palms. i'm a little nervous." the beatles said it best.

finally comes step 4. you can probably guess what it is, the kiss. now i think i'll choose not to describe this step, mainly because it's so very different with each person. it can occur anytime, anywhere. in the middle of the street. in the rain. on a swing in the park. in your basement. under some mistletoe. on a rollercoaster. i don't know... anywhere! the media and novels have managed to describe this step on their own, so i shall refrain from attempting it. i'll just say one thing, this is the step where you manage to forget that the rest of the world exists because, in that one moment, now there's only one other person in the world that really seems to matters.

now there are most definitely more steps, but i'm choosing not to go on. i'll blame my sleepiness for that. keep in mind that i'm a very, bored teenage girl and that 98.6% of what i write is absolute nonsense. i'll probably delete this post out of shame within a few days. please don't judge me...

i think...

...over time people have come to the conclusion that if i'm quiet or don't speak much then there's something bothering me. i talk a lot. a lot more than any normal person probably should. so if i'm quiet, they make the incorrect assumption that something is wrong. i'm sad. or i'm angry. i like to watch people, especially people that i've just met. not talking is a time for me to really get to know other people, or just take in the world around me.

...i still fear other people's perceptions of me. i was once told that if people look at you in a certain manner then it might as well be true. there may be several arguments both for and against this statement. still, it makes sense. people see me is clingy or obnoxious or fake or irresponsible. and in my mind, i'm screaming louder than i've ever screamed before. in my mind, i want desperately to prove that i'm not the person they see me to be, though i know it to be impossible in the end.

...i'm absolutely horrible at confrontations.

...i want to roam around ikea.

...i want to repaint my room.

...i'm done typing for now since this is all nonsense.

but i know...
oh, i know...

...i'm the happiest i've been in a very long time.

unconditional.

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you." - John 15:9

Do you ever have those random moments throughout a day, or maybe just one moment that only happens once every few months, when you realize just how amazingly lucky you are? And you think to yourself that you probably, or definitely, don't deserve one bit of the love shown towards you. How can someone be so selfless that they can love you unconditionally, despite every flaw or wrongdoing of yours?

On my really tired days, I sleep in and forget to go to church.
I don't pray before every meal.
I'm actually quite selfish.
I don't thank Him for half the things that make me smile.
I'm not the nicest person in the world.
There are days when I don't want to forgive.
I take almost every day for granted.

I don't deserve a lot. I haven't done any great acts of kindness for those around me and I let my laziness keep me from potentially being a better Christian. And yet, I find myself the recipient of this unconditional love. So much love, in fact, there are times when I don't know what to do with myself.

at the top.

i like sharing random pictures. looking down never felt so scary and exhilerating.





i don't write the way i used to.

the gambler.

We were barely 18 when we'd crossed collective hearts.
It was cold, but it got warm when you'd barely crossed my eye.
and then you turned, put out your hand,
and you asked me to dance.
I knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight.

"by the way i'm never letting you go. just don't let me go now, ok?"
okay :)

hi.

today i forgot that you aren't around anymore, and looked for you.
it hurt all over again to remember that you were gone.



all i wanted was to forget again.

unrealistic.

i hate the moments when reality hits you hard.

did you know i once dreamed of seeing europe? all you dedicated blogger followers might know. i wanted to fly away from here the day after graduation and just travel with a pack on my back and go where ever i wished. i wanted to grab my friend and discover the back alleyways of rome and see the vatican. i wanted to put my hand in the mouth of truth just like in the movie and go all the way to the top of the eiffel tower. i wanted to ride a double decker bus and attempt to stalk the guy that plays harry potter. i even had a little fund that could only be openned once in order to save up money for my trip.

instead of being openned months ago, it sat where it has sat for for the last two years collecting dust. i even named it. alfie. plans change. people take trips to other places instead. i work instead of finally leaving like i told myself to months ago. the dream stays just what it is, a dream. reality hits and the responsible me says that i must save that money for college, not spend it on some trip across the globe.

and the worst part is that i still sometimes get tempted to just go out, buy a ticket and fly away. both luckily and unfortunately, my last trip to the bank says that i have exactly $40.88 in the savings account. therefore, that temptation is quite impossible.

i think to myself that if i just hadn't been so unrealistic in the first place, i wouldn't have this problem. the thing is.. i still like to dream. i still think i might find someone who will still want to fly away with me and discover the castles of england to take the ridiculously cliche pictures of the leaning tower of piza and the eiffel tower.

i promised myself four years ago that i wouldn't open my europe fund until the time came to REALLY go to europe. i'm not ready to break that promise just yet.

i still want to find someone someday.

teary.

i watched a movie which ended with two 8-year-old boys dying in a concentration camp and didn't shed a tear. i wondered to myself how i could ever turn so heartless.

then i said goodbye to a best friend of six strong years, and cried for the third time within the span of a week. goodbyes are hard, but they don't even hit me until they're all ready over. quite frankly, i don't care if this isn't a real goodbye, i don't want to even say see you later. i just want to know for a fact that i can go back to school in a couple weeks and know that i'll see my same friends like i always have. i want to hold on to something that i know i must let go of. i know what i want is childish, but who cares.

i'll miss you more than a drug addict in rehab misses their crack.
i love you more than peanut butter loves jelly.

i miss friends.

the ones who would climb the monkey bars with me during the half hour before school got out every friday. the ones who would share their food with me at recess. the ones who moved to the other side of the country, and the ones who have yet to leave. the ones who don't seem to want to talk anymore, at all. the ones who are still angry. the ones who i could once go to for anything anytime and actually wanted to talk. the ones who would make me laugh all the time. the ones who slowly and at the same time quickly drifted apart from you and eventually became a stranger. the ones who, quite frankly, don't wanna be friends.


i told myself not to care so much when it came time to realize that some friends are just lost forever, but it sort of eats you up inside. when it comes to this, i don't know what to do or what to say. it's the one thing in life i feel utterly and completely helpless with. i've faced the challenges at school or at work or with jerks or with idiots that life's thrown at me, but this? can't do it. hidden emotions make it impossible.

people.

thirteen years ago, God brought into my life two people who somehow managed to change my life for the better. little did i realize back then just how much of an impact people could have on me. within a matter of three days, i was forced to say goodbye to both. not forever, but for me, six months might as well be forever. they gave the term "best friend" its meaning.

in the span of six years, i met friends, best friends, athletes, hotties, skaters, jerks, liars, hypocrites, fakes, educators, clowns, nerds, idiots, classmates.

within less than a year, i met someone who makes me nervous, happy, giddy, excited, and strangely calm all at once. a someone who can make life better when it all feels like it's coming to an end.

in a lifetime, i grew up in a family of five. being the youngest, i learned what it was like to be watched over for constantly. i learned what true dedication looks like and the love of a family that no one could quite understand unless they were a part of it themselves.

almost two years ago, i met a group of people that scared me in ways i had never expected. in some way, they still intimidate me. in other ways, they taught me how to be more comfortable with myself and not be so scared of who i was.

i like people.
particularly the people who make life worth living.

9.0

today was a good day.
amazing morning.
satisfactory day at work.
relaxing evening.

week.

this morning i am heavy in the heart. sad in the heart.

curse my inability to wake up early. just the thought of you going makes me sad all over again. i don't want to do anything today, but i get to hide any sadness i have behind a pair of sunglasses for the next seven hours. i do not want to hide it.

this is a tough week.
a sad week.
and it's only the start.

i've said all that i've wanted to say, and yet i feel like there's still a lot left unsaid.

it was only right that your last phone call to me before you left woke me up. i'll miss you terribly, friend. i look forward to the day when you come home again, even more to hear all of the exciting stories you have to share.

happy in my heart.

so i was on urbandictionary.com.
i do not know why.
but i found a new phrase that i liked.

definition:
1. Extremely content; overjoyed; ecstatic; 'bubbling over.'
2. A deep-down jubilance.
3. As happy as one can get.

yeah, it's kinda like that.

me:i think i won't give you your present til tuesday night

friend: hahahaha

me: so i will ensure that i will get it to you that night

and not be a lazy bum

friend: hope it isnt a picture frame dammit

me: hahaha

friend: with some stupid ass picture with me and you

me: with a cheesy ass picture of us

friend: decorated with glitter and macaroni and shit

1:46 AM me: saying something like .. william and kimly

bfffriend: ...

f**k that

just thinking.

i think... i refuse to believe that things can be better if we cut ourselves off from the world and attempt to deal with life on our own. i think God put us on this earth with other people so we can learn to rely on others to help us get through the tough times in our lives and the good ones. i think we have other people in this world with us so we can learn how to trust one another and even possibly look past the mistakes once made and realize that people can be good again. i think that freezing someone out and giving them the cold shoulder does nothing but make the situation worse than it needs to be. i think that jealousy can get in the way of a lot of things, but learning to overcome it is a strength i have yet to understand. i think people need people and people do belong to people. i think that someone things just aren't meant to be, but i also think that if two people work at it enough, they can be happy together for many years until they're old and cripple. i think my last sentence was a run-on. i think that trying to do things on your own and push away the friends that want to be there is not the best way to go. i think that even though someone may not need you, the fact that they want your company is pretty darn good. i think it's time to end this.

your court.

so as i drove home, i thought to myself..
"i've done all i can. the ball is in your court. at least i know that i'll have no regrets."

i think that makes me very okay with how my life is. i told myself many, many times that i would live life with no regrets. carpe diem. c'est la vie. it wasn't until today, where i finally realized that i may very well be living up to my own word. i know there were a lot of mistakes i've made that should never have happened. i know there's a lot of things i should've done or should've said.

but more recently, i think i've found myself doing the things i want to do. and should do. and i've found that even though things may not go exactly my way, and people don't necessarily act the way i wish them to, at least i can know that i've done right by me and what i believe is to be right by them. to the best of my abilities. within reason.

this doesn't mean i've grown up.
or that i'm any less naive.

i think...
it means i'm still in the growing process.
i'm just becoming more aware.
less scared.

"i like moments like that... when you know there's still good in the world."

swim.

"you'd totally bang him if you could, wouldn't you?"
nooooo.

but no, really..
he makes tattoos awesome.
and playing the piano awesome.
and jumping on said piano even more awesome.

thank you for taking me back years and years to my youth which, in fact, wasn't so long ago. suddenly the hours of listening to the same songs play over and over again rushed back. i still recall the exact blog where i complained quite childishly (real word? doubt it.) about not being able to pick up and go to their concert. sept. 14, 2006. and i realized that i even blogged pictures of the tshirt i told you about, one of the first tshirts i ever made. still pretty childish of me.

i remember very well how impossible it felt to simply buy some tickets, grab my stuff, and go see my favorite band live. but you made it happen, didn't you?

i really had forgotten how much i loved hearing his voice and how much energy he put into all of his music. remember... we wanted to see him play months ago, but i do believe you invited me to a nonexistent concert. i barely knew you, but still, i hoped to myself that i could go with you.

it was a perfect night. thank you.

romantics.

so the way i see it, there are four types of romantics (quite possibly more, i just haven't figured them out yet).


#1. romantic number one is the hopeless romantic, which is, according to the rest of the world, the category that people say i fall into. this is the group of people who are the daydreamers. the ones that have watched the lame romantic movies and say aww whenever something remotely cute or romantic happens around them. they already know how they would like to be proposed to and the kinds who know exactly which type of flowers they would love to get whenever a situation warrants flowers. these people are the ones who have imagined every type of romantic scene possible for their future and know exactly which movie they would love their life to follow. though this person has imagined practically every romantic situation possible, they also have a taste of reality. they know that the likeliness of the movie love coming true is probably slim to none, but have hope that maybe they can be the exception and find it out there.


#2. the non-romantic. this is the person who knows that love exists and that love may sometimes call for a romantic gesture or two, but that's basically the extent of it. if there's any kind of word to describe this person, it would probably be practical. they know that love is awesome, but they know that it doesn't necessarily mean you have to call that special person just to say goodnight, and that anniversaries shouldn't be celebrated every month, especially since the mere term anniversary is defined as the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event. so to say happy one week anniversary or happy one month anniversary makes no sense in actuality. proposals don't require a knee or some amazing ring right away. they don't need a sunset in the background or hundreds of people watching at one time. the non-romantic fully understands the existence of love, just doesn't feel the need to exaggerate it or make it seem fluffy in any way.

#3. the cheesy romantic. annoys all that is around him or her. this person can deliver a line that would make anyone want to gag a little, or maybe just laugh a lot. they know just what to say and when to say it. they think to themselves what could be nice to say and what will make another person grin from ear to ear. this is the person that likes to leave messages for the other special person to find in the morning and the one who plans ahead. this person will give flowers just the for the sake of giving flowers and knows all of the ridiculously cute things that have been said in movies from casablanca to the notebook. sadly for the cheesy romantic, he or she can has the tendency to come off as being incredibly fake and even shallow almost. their acts seem only good enough for the movies, so when they happen in real life, it seems too good to the true for the outside world. know this, the cheesy romantics like to do what they do not simply to get another person in bed. oh, no. this person does it because like to see the smile one someone else's face. they love love and love being in love, or in like for the early stages. they deserve a great deal of appreciation when you think about all that they do. they are genuine at heart and mean every word they say.

#4. the romantic romantic. okay, in all honesty, i have no idea what the romantic romantic is really like. i don't know if he or she exists in movies, but i imagine they're something like this. the romantic romantic doesn't need no stinkin' movies or book to know romance. they create it themselves. rather than falling under certain standards of romance, they know what they want and they get it in their own way. they too, like the cheesy romantic, can deliver a good line, just far more subtly. they appreciate any sentimental memories or places that they may share with someone, but does not exaggerate it. in other words, they don't need to show the world how they feel. the care they show stays mainly between two people, as it should. they're sneaky and don't show their true selves right away. or so i'm guessing. i have yet to find out...


hehe, i like my paragraphs of nonsense. can you tell i miss writing?

things i learned today.

-just because five hours of sleep was enough to get me through a day of high school doesn't mean it can get me through a day of work in the summer.
-if it's almost 90 degrees outside, you really shouldn't walk around barefoot.
-you can break two wrists if you're running fast enough towards a solid, flat vertical surface otherwise known as a wall.
-thirteen year old boys are kinda, really annoying.
-life and conversations in tv are way more awesome than real life, particularly when it's in how i met your mother.
-you can do your best to be as helpful as possible but you won't always get recognition for it. to other people you're just doing what's expected of you.
-life sounds way more awesome in metaphor form.
-i really don't like me when i'm tan.

things you may not know.

1. i don't like driving. if i can avoid having to get behind the wheel, i will. unlike the rest of the teenage world, i didn't rush to get a license and a car right away. anyone who's sat in my passenger seat can tell you, without any hesitation, that i'm not good. i drive because i must get somewhere, not cause i want to.

2. even though i always tell people that i don't want kids, i know i will someday cause i secretly do. i'm just scared i'll be a bad parent. but i already know... two boys, one girl.

3. in my mind, i severely judge people who make obvious grammar mistakes. if you say "for free," any level of awesomeness you may have drops a notch or two. i have to really, really like you to overlook it and not let it drop.

4. i love getting mail. letters. packages. it's been about 7 months since i've actually received a real letter. but seriously, they could beat any perfectly worded text message or email any day.

5. i online shop. it's bad. 'nough said.

6. there are lots and lots of moments when i want to say, "this is a moment i want to ALWAYS remember. let's take pictures!" but the fear of looking like a fool kicks in, so i let the moment just pass me by. i take pictures of about 1/4 of the things i'd like to capture on film.

7. i really, really like to paint. i'm no good, and haven't done it in years. but i like it.

8. there are times, when i nap longer than i actually sleep at night.

9. i hear the disneyland fireworks at this VERY MOMENT. i wish so badly i could be watching them.



this was random and totally unnecessary.

with you,

i'll run away to the ends of the world.
but for now, let's hit up venice beach. :)

slip.

there are some people you can say absolutely anything to and not have to worry about the stupid things you say. there are others who you have to watch what you say around. but then there are those moments when you let something slip. and you sorta just gotta pretend like nothing ever happened. inside your head, you're screaming at yourself. why would you say that? don't be so careless. on the outside you attempt to play it off like you never said that at all.

and it actuality, you don't even know if saying those taboo words is even that taboo at all. but still...

i hate when i let things slip.

unimportant.

wake up, and it's already 11am. morning is practically gone and you're ready for lunch. you're waiting and waiting and waiting for a call, trying desperately to find something to do to pass the time. desperate enough to even clean your room. or start it, at least. finally you get the call and you wait some more.

hello.
shop.
food.
mix.
bake.
eat.
drive.
home.
visit.
talk.
sleep.

did that really happen?
is it possible for time to feel like it's going by too fast and too slow at the same time?
tuesday feels far.


i miss my old writing.

baggage.

i wonder..

people can forgive, but how often can they truly forget? i've made my mistakes and i've said my "i'm sorry's." i meant it when i told you how deeply sorry i was. i was aware of any pain i caused. i broke the promise of me finally being able to change for the better, for you.

you and i both watched as history repeated itself again and again.
"who's to say it won't happen again?"
no one.

i don't know if you could ever look past my mistakes. i wish so badly i could take away that baggage that will always hold this friendship back. all we can do in live in the now.

i had fun today.

foolish.

there are moments when life seems to hurt you in ways you never thought possible. there are mornings when you feel as though you just don't have the strength to get out of bed and face the terrible life you seem to be living. there are nights when you simply feel like crying yourself to sleep and wish only to wake up with a different reality. then there are the times when you look back at all of the mistakes you made at one point or another in your past and just laugh. sometimes that laughter takes only a few seconds, other times it may take months.

more recently, i've found myself looking back at the stupid mistakes i made and can't help but smile. i always feared the regret i would hold on to if i were to make any stupid mistakes. but with life being this good, there really is no need to regret. without the mistakes i've made and lessons i've learned, i would not be where i am today. i'd still be that naive, little girl searching for some kind of wisdom to make me more mature and give me a better outlook on life. when in reality, that shallow search for it is what held me back and forced me to keep that immaturity. i hid my foolish self behind what seemed to pass off as thoughtful prose.

though things may not necessarily be ideal, i'm pretty satisfied with life. i kinda like who i am. i'm living in the moment as best as i can.

the now is too good to spend it dwelling in the past.

"we're good together."

backseat laughter.

i haven't written in a while. i kinda miss it, but kinda don't. haven't really had time to think very much. life's been busy, but i don't mind. why am i awake right now?

life is pretty friggin good right now.
where's my bike??

where.

at about 6 am i sat on the basketball courts one last time and cried, in a rather pathetic fashion. suddenly everywhere i looked, some memory came rushing back. where the boy would play basketball practically every morning and subtly wave as i walked by. where portables once stood and i met the first friend i would make at this school. where we had our picnics practically every day at lunch. where we drove our cars up and watched a cartoon together one last time. where i would practice the sport i both loved and feared every day. where i watched a game in pjs my freshman year. where i learned to love. where i learned to hate. where i ran. where i played. where i wrote. where i listened. where i grew up.

i was never ready to leave.
i'm still not.

i know this isn't goodbye or necessarily an end.
i know the best is yet to come.

but still, i'll miss it.

realizations.

realizations come at random, different moments for different people. it can happen in car rides. it can happen when you stand in front of a mirror with your cap and gown on. it can happen when you look around and realize that you may never see the people sitting around you again. it can hit you when you look around and the memories of the last six years rush back from every where you look. it can happen when you take one final walk home.

how can you prepare for one moment for over half your life, only to let it slip past you? and as you mentally prepared yourself for the moment to come and the goodbyes to be said, none if it managed to sink in until it felt too late. i think it hurts because it doesn't feel real. i feel like i should still wake up and put on my polo shirt and walk to school like i have for the last six years.

i read a letter i wrote last year, saying that i was still a high school student. and that even though i may not like the administration or the subjects, i liked it because i felt incredibly safe. no matter how much i screwed up, it wasn't too bad. high school was a time for me to make mistakes and not let them get to me too much. i was jealous of that girl. i was so jealous of that girl who still had another year of high school to look forward to and live up to its fullest, while i just sat there with uncertainties of the future. and i realized all over again that i'm done with this part of my life.

i know my goodbyes aren't real goodbyes. i hope i never have to really say goodbye.
"never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

i have the feeling that i'm gonna come across a lot of realizations all over again...

serendipity.

[ser-uhn-dip-i-tee]
-noun.
a fortunate accident.

i used to think that this kind of stuff could only happen in the the movies. that one movie in particular. being the hopeless romantic that i am, a part of me always hoped that something like this could someday come true. and though in the back of my mind i always searched for a moment of serendipity, i never truly believed it to be possible. it was simply too good to be true. such a coincidence couldn't actually happen in real life. the screenwriters didn't get what they wrote from real life. it was always just a figment of some person's imagination. i used to be cynically hopeful.

but it's wonderfully beautiful if you think about it. the idea of high school sweet hearts you find each other again years later and fall in love all over again. the idea of you walking into a used bookstore and finding one that belonged to your great grandfather. the idea of two college room mates who drift apart after decades only to randomly run into each other on the street. it's a nice thought at the end of the day.

you were the best accident i could've asked for...

pink milk.

i felt a strange, and very sudden need to cry today as i watched an old friend today in class. i felt incredibly inadequate as both a person and a friend. every good feeling i had in the past weeks disappeared for those few moments. and only those moments. those moments when tears filled my eyes, not because of some lame staring contest, but from an ineffable kind of hurt. every broken promise i made came back to mind. everything i said i wouldn't do, i did.

i felt very proud when i had no right to. there you stood just radiating greatness, when it wasn't even your peak.

you were the only person who really knew me, when i didn't know who i was or how the heck i would really make it in this world. you stayed with me in all the times i screwed up and gave me encouraging words again. i stared at my phone many times, telling myself i would call you and talk like we used to. but i was always too scared. i'm scared it's too late for me to go back and try to fix all that i messed up.

i'm fine again, but i can't help but think still. it's what i do.
you're leaving soon to a far better life.
i'm just a waste of time.

i miss charlie and lola.

risky business.

she told us that in order to get anything really worthwhile in life, you have to take risks. the bigger the risk you take, the greater reward. but there always lies the chance of that big risk coming back and hitting you hard. you never really know how things will turn out. you just gotta take the risk.

i never took any big risks in life. no matter what situation i came to, i would always take the safer route. any fear i had within me forced me to play it safe and know with certainty that my life would turn out okay in one way or another. any risk that i did end up taking, never really turned out in my favor by the end. i look around and see some of my closest friends with the most amazing futures and i asked myself what the heck i did wrong to not achieve that greatest. i know very well that they deserve every ounce of happiness they receive in the future. but i don't know if i'll be so fortunate. i never stood up for myself. i never showed my fullest capabilities or my fullest potential. i accepted that i would never be nothing more than average, and for that, the future i see before me is simply average.

i don't know how to make me not so scared of taking a risk and trying new things. how do you stop yourself from being scared of things just going so wrong? telling yourself that everything is will be all right just doesn't seem enough.

cease and desist.

some people have told me that all things must come to an end. i don't believe that. at least, i don't wish to believe it. there are some things that really must end, like high school, the pretty bouquet of flowers on the bookshelf, or your childhood.

but still, i do believe something things can last forever. like relationships. like trust. like faith. like love.

so many times it's seemed as though relationships were over. like the love that once existed could no longer continue. it must cease and desist. too often i feared it to be true, but i don't really believe that it's over. i hope it isn't over. true love shouldn't die that easily.

there's always a chance for that friendship to return. maybe not pick up exactly where things left off, but at least pick up. it may not happen anytime soon. it may not happen at all. but i will always hope, in the back of my mind and the deepest corners of my heart, that the friendship won't simply end. if it was real, it won't die. i have hopes that love is strong enough to keep it going. in the mean time, i'll wait. it'll test the patience i've never really had before. sorta just shows how much i want it.

some things can be forever if you let them be.

butterflies and the time space continuum.

you know how people say if you were to go back in time and kill just one butterfly, the entire future could be altered, either for the better or the worse? i still wonder whether or not my life would be different had i not said some things i said. or had i made different decisions. had i taken more chances. had i stood up for myself. had i apologized sooner.

if i were go to back and make a change, i wonder how things would turn out.
i fear i may always wonder. i'm curious in that way.

i am very happy with how my life is today.
i'm scared for the future.
i don't know if i would change the past if i had the chance if i had the chance though.
but i'm happy.

titles and lasts.

it makes me sad that it hasn't fully hit me that this is the beginning of all my lasts when it comes to high school. last high school rally tomorrow. last high school dance this saturday. last high school baseball game i'll see on friday. last chances to hang with my friends and the people i've come to love over these last six years. it's all too surreal that it doesn't feel real.

i never even really felt like a senior this year. as though, i'm gonna wake up two years younger any day now. the "title" never made me feel any more mature or any wiser or any more responsible. being a senior was always just a title for me. it never once defined me.

it's saddening.
and scary.
and just weird.

haha, i don't know how i feel right now.
i'm just babbling.

profound.

i wish i had something wise to ponder about or something incredibly profound to write about. but i do not.

when i'm happy, i have less to write about.
and less to think about.

because i'm just living in the moment.
and nothing else matters.

luck.

i really am lucky and grateful for all of the people in my life. especially the ones i've taken for granted. i do not deserve having them around.

para sarah.

:]

dear friend,

i wish only that i could say the right things and do the right things to make you smile. not one fake little smile at the stupid things i'm saying in my attempts to make you laugh. but a smile to show that you are truly happy and nothing could ever bring you down again.

i'm bad at it though.
i'm sorry.

sincerely,
kimly pv.

what is love?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails...." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

okay, okay. i admit that a part of me wants this recited at my wedding even though it has become incredibly cliche over the years and the rest of this post may very well change the interpretation of it. but heck, i don't care. it's pretty.

so long people have wondered what love is. i do. i know i've found it in my family and my friends. in new people i've met and the ones i lost. but still, there are moments throughout the day when i wonder if i truly understand love.

go back and replace each "love" with "God."
it's totally different.
but it works.

what is love?
God is love.

4U E DYD.

i saw the most interesting license plate today. i don't know why, but they manage to stand out to me.

can you imagine spending your whole life only to love someone else? how do you put someone else before yourself when they only manage to hurt you in one way or another? could you put aside all of your selfish thoughts and even your own happiness to make someone else happy? can you simply brush it off when someone who said things so cruel, it seemed to bring an all time low to your life at that moment? would you even want to forgive someone who never manages to forgive you, but only resents you and all that you do? if the moment came, would you be willing to die for the ones you love, even if they don't seem to love you back? do other people really appreciate you JUST the way you are?

i ask a lot of questions lately...
i hate being away from the place and people who give me answers.

"for you, He died."

wonder.

i still wonder about the boy who committed suicide on our school's field over six years ago and whether anyone still remembers (though class of 09 is the only class left who was there at the time). i still wonder about my first crush back in kindergarten and what the heck he is doing with his life these days. i still wonder if people can take me seriously or if they still see me as some timid littler girl who cannot manage to socialize. i still wonder whether or not he even cares anymore. i still wonder how my outlook on school and life would be if i had gone to a different school. i still wonder whether or not i made the right choices, and whether or not i'm making the right ones now. i still wonder whether i'm that friend in the group that people secretly hate and complain about when not around. i still wonder if she knew just how much i loved her and how i wished to simply take her pain away before she died.i still wonder what would have happened if i had told them how i felt years ago and whether or not our relationship would be different. i still wonder what happened to amelia earheart. i still wonder if crushes or infatuations really lead to any good. i still wonder if people will remember who i am ten years from now, and whether or not they will care. i still wonder if people can manage to forgive after months or years of being hurt.

life is hard, but life is good.

if someone had walked up to me four months ago and asked me to describe my life at this very moment, it probably wouldn't have been anywhere close to the way it is today (i love my run on sentences). even though life may not be exactly how i expected it, i'm still pretty happy. scratch that. i'm really happy. :]

this is the part where i would probably attempt some philosophical insight on how life can turn out okay even though you never believed it could. and how some people were right about me all along, though i was still right at the same time. and there were definitely times when i overreacted. but ... i think i'll choose to watch house instead.

life is good.

guard.

lifeguard. coast guard. point guard. rash guard. guard dog. crossing guard. security guard. body guard. national guard. shooting guard.

it's kinda feels nice to let your guard down a little once in a while...



so the american red cross called me asking me to go in and donate blood. it feels a little different when i decide to go out and donate on my own compared to when they're asking me for my blood. is it bad that i turned them down just cause i'm busy? it is...

grudge

n. : a feeling of ill will or resentment
v. : to give or permit with reluctance

i wonder how long you can hold a grudge against someone. but then i guess that depends on how terribly they treated you. i admit to holding many grudges. and today i've seen grudges that were born years ago, that i still hold inside me today. i also discovered my ability to let go of some as well. to just forget it, and remember that what's in the past is where it is. the past. why continue to let that get to you?

and then there's the time when you grudge through life when times are rough. and you sorta just deal with life in the most negative way possible. it's just felt like a waste of time, in all honesty.

i know i'm human. therefore, i'm far from perfect. i do hold grudges that i may keep with me for years. i also tend to be pessimistic. but if i try hard enough, i believe i can change for the better.
takes time.

talks.

i love the awkward talks. the conversations you have with someone you're first getting to really know. i mean, you may know of them, but it's those talks in which you first start to learn about the person. your talks with your closer friends are different because you're already so comfortable that you can sound stupid and it won't matter. but these awkward ones matter. they're the ones where you have to be incredibly careful with everything you say, cause first impressions really do make a difference. and you don't want to be the one looking like an idiot. the awkwardness may be incredibly subtle, or it may be totally out there. but you still look forward to them. cause they're fun.

you're careful.
and nervous.
and happy.
and just weird...

cause making new friends is kinda scary. but exciting.
cause you suddenly realize that there's still a whole world out there ready to be discovered. in everything, not just people.

hug!

little did you know how much it meant to be when you walked up to me with open arms, ready for a hug, and asked me if i was doing okay since i didn't look happy for a couple weeks. it was the first time we talked in a long time, and still, you never miss a thing.

there really are people out there who make the world a better place...

09 sunshine.

i never looked forward to senior year. not really. i was never as excited as everyone else to be the one of the upperclassmen. to, in some strange possible way, be supposedly looked up to by the little ones. whenever i look at all of the other senior classes in the past, they seemed so.. mature. everything was easy for them.

i still don't feel like a senior.

it wasn't easy for me this year.
it wasn't typical either.

it wasn't the senior year people told me it would be. i'm not excited to graduate. i'm not excited for college, not really. i'm not nostalgic or particularly frustrated with being treated like children. i do want to leave certain people behind, but i also want to hold on to those who took care of me and made me feel safe. it's different...

haha, but i do feel very much like a small, immature high schooler for writing this.

no where else to go.

i know i've written about this so much before. i guess the idea of it has always been a big part of my life. i've always let fear dictate my actions. somehow i would attempt to avoid such fears turning into realities, yet i would screw up in the process? and all at once, every fear that dominated my mind came true. some people just had bad timing proving my fear was right. other times it was me bringing it upon myself.

though my mind has blown up the last few weeks into something much worse than it actually is, life has more recently felt as though it's reached it's lowest. any effort i put into anything would mean absolutely nothing at all. words never seemed so empty. life was a lie. drastic, no?

but still, with that outlook on life in mind, it was like nothing could get any worse. the only way to go was up. and i looked at my life. with all the good. and with all the bad.

it's not that bad.
not ideal.
but not that bad.


a part of me will always want what i lost back. it will always be a part of me. and there will be times when i miss it terribly. but i'm okay.
it surprised me how okay i could be.

halt!

i can't help but think...

"the moment you leave high school, it's just gonna hit you in the face. you've grown so dependent on this romanticized idea of growing up in high school and maturing in how you look at life, in how you learn to love, in how you deal with the sh** you must someday go through. but you won't survive. not if you keep this mindset on how life works, in that immature way you look at things. you think you're wise now and you're gaining wisdom in the classrooms at school and your other friends? you know nothing. he was right. you may know about stuff, but you know nothing. it's fine. you'll fall. you'll fall a lot. but you'll get back up and learn. i can't wait for you to learn of the mistakes you've made. you deserve that shame you feel when you do realize it. but even worse, i pity you for all of the mistakes you won't ever learn from. cause the stubborn side of you will always think you are right. while the raw, cruel human side of me hopes you fall so hard and struggle so that you'll finally realize your mistakes, i do, with all my heart, wish you the best in life, full of joy, love, and laughter. good luck in life. you'll need it."

"lies."

so i was in my friends car on my way back to school, when i saw an old man with a beard holding a giant sign that just said something along the lines of "don't listen to the lies." "God doesn't accept you the way you are." and i got pretty angry at first. and then incredibly sad at the idea that anyone could ever feel this way...

He's my best friend.
i'll always have Him.

hearing you sing makes me ridiculously happy.
i've missed it.

aliteration.

i'm home!
and happy.
and hopeful.

and my plan to find a lot of 'h' words failed.
:]

what you make of it.

there are times when life just throws you down, and you feel as though you may never get up. nothing can ever seem good again. the smile on you face lingers only for a few seconds until reality hits you, and you fall right back down again. "it's okay" never sounded so much like a lie, and every action and step is only followed my more misery. nothing you do seems to fix the broken.

there are times when anything and everything manages to make you angry, bitter, and annoyed simultaneously. you know in your head that you shouldn't snap back at other people and that they couldn't possibly realize that their actions suddenly drive you crazy to the point where resentment forms. every one of their past mistakes replays in your mind and the unjustified hatred grows stronger.

there are times when you manage to mess up. no matter how hard you try, the situation only gets worse and you question your own worth. your own capabilities. you lose all motivation you ever had in your life. your whole future can seem to crumble with one simple sentence. one simple phrase. it doesn't seem fair, but somehow you know you brought this upon yourself fromm the very start.

it's those times...
when you can lose hope.
when you can get angry.
when you can give up.

don't.
life's what you make of it.
it can suck.
or it can be amazing.
you have a lot more power over it than you think.
life's what you make of it.
(a lot harder said than done.)

peeves.

note: i probably come off as somewhat hypocritical in some of these. somewhat.

1. spelling things weird on purpose.
people go to school only to spell words incorrectly on purpose when talking to friends? i understand when people use u if they're just lazy. but to go out of their way to talk to friends and to talk like dis and type yooh instead of you? rawr. type like that as much as you want just not to me. thank you, big brother, for stopping it early in 7th grade.

2. racial jokes.
okay, i'm a huge hypocrite for this. though i know people joke around about their own race, as i do sometimes, it can still hurt. there are just moments when you know a person is obviously joking around and by no means believes what comes out of his mouth. but those other moments when a person has the tone of humor, but you know they sincerely mean the insult behind the joke. its those moments. "gosh, i hate asians! but not you, kimly. you're different. you don't count." yes, i do. i'm very proud of who i am and where my family comes from. a stereotype does not truly define a group of people. i may not show it, but in those moments, a part of me does hurt. i do lose respect for you. i do take offense.

joshua.

i'm off to stay in a desert for a few days!
goodbye civilization.
i shall miss thee.
especially you, blogger.

the Lord is risen!

Alleluia, alleluia.

it's a good day for the world.
i can feel it.

have faith.

"world is your oyster."

good friday.

"for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." john 3:16.

on the bottom of every yellow bag from forever21, there's a bible verse. "for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son..." i think it only makes sense that the creator of my favorite clothing store would choose my favorite line from the bible.

every year on good friday, i get weird. though it always marks the beginning of spring break, i don't share the same happiness and carefree feeling i see on the faces of every other student walking out of class when the last bell rings. i hear people complain of their inability to eat meat, and i admit to sometimes be one of them. other critics ask why friday? why no meat? what kind of sacrifice is that? should i really have to justify my actions to others? i don't think so. but i will. personally, it's a time to give up a little something i've always taken for granted. because He gave up so much more.

there is no time in the entire year when i feel His love more than today. to die in pain feeling as though His own Father has forsaken Him. to give up His life to a world who pushed Him away. who am i to deserve that?

i'm scared of my ability to take such love for granted.
i'm hurt at the thought of Him dying, yet i know how the story ends.
i'm sad that the world can be so cruel.
i'm loved when i don't deserve it.
i'm weird at this time every year.

life is hard.

but life is good.

everything happens for a reason, and God has brought me to every situation in my life with a purpose. though it may not be exactly what i had planned these last few years, i trust Him to take care of my when i don't know how to take care of myself.

i have so, so much to be grateful for. surround yourself with people who remind you of that. people who love you. people who want to remind you of this at least twice every hour. people who make you so incredibly happy that you have no other desire but to thank God for such a wonderful person in your life.

it's been a tough, rather confusing two weeks.
life is hard,but life is good.

note to self:

- carry an extra pair of flip flips when wearing "nice" shoes.
- always look both ways.
- finish packet of papers for training.
- figure out if you're supposed to do something on the 4th.
- birthday presents! (wrap them.)
- focus on your homework. ironic, i know.
- exercise is good for you.
- if you finish the milk at night, there won't be any left for breakfast.
- cleaner room means better chi.
- take some time to relax, if at all possible.
- practice!
- don't give up. you know you're a lot better than you think yourself to be. you just gotta believe it.

chalk.

i wish every day was chalk day.
(no, that's not a picture of me.)

ignorance.

i wonder...

would it be better going to school each day not knowing about the frustrations and problems going on with the teachers and administration, who should be taking care of you when they can barely take care of themselves, or not even notice? would you be happier being friends with someone who secretly despises certain aspects of you and actually resent you for it, or find a new friend? would you prefer looking up to certain people your entire life, or learn that their actions have destroyed the lives of people you love? would you want to go on through life knowing someone hated you, making you feel uncomfortable whenever they are around or even mentioned, or would you rather remain unaware and oblivious to said hate?

most people may choose to know the truth. but when the situation arrives and said truth becomes some knawing factor that forever lingers in the back of their mind, will they still want it? i've learned of so much hate and so much hurt, i wonder if my outlook on life would be any different if i had just remained in the dark.

just a thought...

hugs.

"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it."- Waitress.

i missed this.

life is hard, but life is good.

"life is hard, but life is good." fr. sparks.

i firmly believe in every word i write, mainly because of the power of your words. i wrote about this once in a paper a little less than a year ago, but i'll share a bit of it once more. words carry a strange sense of power people often take for granted whether it be spoken, written, or in this case, typed. once shared with another person, they can never be taken back, no matter how hard you try. you can't erase pen, just like you can't erase any emotion you bring about in another person after speaking to them, whether it be anger, hurt, sadness, or joy. they're effects linger for a very long time, possibly even forever. they're permanent. words carry power, and these days i find myself thinking over very carefully each sentence i speak. so to not believe if your own words is a dangerous thing. whether or not i can follow my own words is a different story...

life is hard, but life is good. often times whenever people come across some kind of hardship, the first thing they do is vent. that's stage one. why is this happening to me? why did i deserve this? everything is going wrong no matter how hard i try. this isn't gonna end well and quite frankly, it's not getting any better. why can't i, just this once, get what i want?

and after all of this venting is done and gone, people tend to hang on to this little ounce of hope left. whether it's hanging on by the bare tips of your fingers or the last thread left on that rope, people look for any hope they have left for things to get better. and what's so bad with that? hope is a good thing. but some times, it holds them back from moving on. that's stage two.

stage three deals with the final outcome. when you takes a step back, and realize that everything is all right. this is probably the hardest stage to reach, mainly because the outcomes, though not necessarily bad, aren't exactly what you had in mind. they may not even be close to what you actually want, but that's just how they are. and you come to this acceptance and move on. you, in fact, are blessed with so much more than you think you deserve. and in the end, once you hit this stage you realize something...

life is hard, but life is good.
i firmly believe in my words above and that through most of the hard times in my life, these are probably the three steps i will have to go through. whether or not i would be able to get through them today is an entirely different story.