Monday, November 30, 2009

Turn Table.

So I drove my big cousin around today, and suddenly I got this flashback of sitting in the passenger seat of her [red?] convertible as she drove me down a brick street in Larned, Kansas. It was then when I realized that the youngest of the cousins was finally grown up, even though just a few days ago, she said she still felt like a kid. I think my reaction in my mind was, "What the cuuuuuss?" (Go watch the Fantastic Mr. Fox. George Clooney is awesome even as a fox.)

This past week was probably one of the best weeks I've had this entire year, and the fun just keeps on going. It was one of those weeks where you just gotta soak in every moment and live it up. I am surrounded by the people I love and couldn't ask for anything better.

There's still a lot to look forward to...
-Starbucks run with Rachel.
-Tamale Making.
-Shopping, My materialistic side has been stifled, and I like buying presents..
-BIRTHDAY. Disneyland, here I come.
-This semester finally being over.
-More friends coming home.
-Potential trip to San Francisco?
-Movies! Sherlock Holmes and Alice in Wonderland.

I have nothing philosophical to talk of lately...
I refuse to fully acknowledge the Christmas music on the radio until my birthday has passed. I will not let it be overwhelmed by Christmas. I refuse.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Day 1.

The first day of my awesome week was a success in my opinion, except the fact that I am still awake and studying rather poorly for my tests. I will surely be sore tomorrow, but biking to the beach with some awesome friends was definitely worth it. Tomorrow will be grand! I foresee it now.

...Why am I writing here?
I should leave.


Saturday, November 21, 2009

Supposed Nothingness.

I stayed up til 3am talking to an old friend that I miss terribly
and writing a bunch of nonsense for the world to potentially read.
I slept in until 12:45 snuggled up under four wonderful layers of blankets.
Now I will feast! On some pizza and Dr. Pepper.

No plans for the rest of today...
But I'm very excited for the day!

I love days like this.
Days when there isn't a specific schedule I gotta stick to.
I can just do whatever the heck I want.
It's nice. I don't appreciate these days enough.

I hope I get to see Sarah today..


Wanna know a secret? In my mind, I'm freaking out. I've been freaking out for days, weeks possibly. The sad part is that I don't even know how long it has been going on, but I know it's been a while. The worst part is that the more reasonable side of my brain is telling me that I have no reason to blow things out of proportion and make a nothing into a something.

I feel scared,
but I cannot articulate what I am scared of.

I think that's the worst part, not really know what I'm scared of. That and coming close to trying to explain it to someone, but chickening out because when it comes time to justifying why I am scared, I will be left speechless and unsure. I do not know why I feel scared. I just do.

There's a particularly strong sense of uncertainty that I feel with life. Then again, I guess there is always uncertainty in everything. Maybe, just maybe, it makes life worth living, constantly trying to figure out what happens next. I know I'll be okay with however life turns out, I just selfishly and desperately want it to go my way.

I really just shouldn't be allowed to write this late.


You know how there are some people in your life that you know will just always be there for you no matter what the circumstances are? You can be separated for weeks or months at a time, but when they're around, it's like nothing ever changed. And then there are the people you know are only in your life if you're physically around them. If not, you don't really have any contact with them. Your lives easily stray towards their own separate paths.

Then there's the person you were never quite sure of. It's those person who had the potential to leave forever, yet somehow managed to stay around and become a life long friend. Or it's the person you quietly hoped would always be there or at least show that they wanted to be there whenever life needed them around but seemed to choose not to in the end. This is the confusing one.

See, with the people who will clearly stay and clearly leave, you're able to brace yourself for the best or the worst. Your expectations allow you to not feel hurt when people walk out of your life. But I think the worst is wanting someone so badly to just be there and be your friend one more time like the way things used to be only to see that the past is the past. In some ways, life can never truly go back to the way things were, back to a time when you didn't yet know how to fully appreciate what you had. Realizing a person could be gone forever hurts. I'm not very fond of the idea of it.

But more recently, I'm seeing that a person can seem gone but can always come back to you. It's nice.

Just know, if you want, I'll always be here to do my best to be that friend who will walk back into your life. You're always welcome to come back and be my friend again too. There is no guarantee that this will go smoothly or that things will go back to the same old same old. I don't know if you can really guarantee anything in life, but I think it's worth a shot. I've missed you. I still do, friends.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I want...

-the Star Trek movie.
-and the Star Wars trilogy (the good ones, episode IV - VI, not that other stuff).
-and Inglorious Basterds when it comes out.
-and an external hard drive.
-and new books to read.
-and a working desktop.
-and giftcards because they make spending feel less guilty.
-and yellow flowers to make my room pretty again (though the mess sorta counteracts that, huh?)
-and some good strings for my guitar.
-and nothing generic like lotion. I have enough of that to last me a while now...
-and rain.
-and new songs.
-and some motivation.
-and a vacation to some place cool like New York or San Francisco.
-and a job.
-and for gas prices to keep going down.
-and... i'm out for now.

In case you didn't catch on, this was a wish list for people who have been bugging me about making one. I know I will regret this if I get doubles. Seriously, I like cards. And hugs. And cookies. And just hanging. But if you insist on encouraging my unnecessary materialistic side, there it is. I may or may not update it later.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Dear God,

Do you remember when I was a kid, and practically every year, You would make it rain on my birthday? I remember not liking it because I couldn't play outside and it was cold and I didn't know how to appreciate it then. Well, I can now. I love rain, and with the help of my rain boots, it's awesome. I know it's almost a month until my birthday, but please accept this early request. Please let it rain on my birthday. I will be eternally grateful.

Your's always,

The Shins.

Gosh, looking back on this month, it's been pretty awesome. I have a lot to look forward to within the next two weeks. I simply cannot wait. I do admit to have my moments when I act awfully like a stereotypical girl and choose to allow my moodiness and bitterness to get the better of me, but overall, I'm happy.

My shins have been hurting for days. Walking sucks. For some reason, I keep wondering if by some freak chance I have shin splits. But that only happens to people who run on a normal basis and have done track for four years. I am so far from that... I am most likely just overreacting.

Top test score in my econ class of over 100 students. I felt awesome.
I HATED econ in high school. And now, I'm awesome. (kidding.)

Today was .. today made me happy. I just remembered my leftover chocolate which makes me even more happy. (This post has no point. Can you tell yet?) I am very grateful to God and the people in my life for making it worth living. I think I've focused too much on what hasn't really gone right in life and allowed myself to sulk over that. But more recently, today more than anything, I am very happy and lucky and grateful for everything I have. Life is good.

What I'm looking forward to:
-DISNEYLAND. Lots and lots of it. Ohh yeaaah... It's gonna look awesome with all of the Christmas decorations up.
-Ikea breakfast with Sarah!
-Thanksgiving dinner! I don't care when people say it's just like Christmas dinner, this will forever be my favorite meal of the year. Pumpkin pie! YUM.
-Deep fried turkey, deep fried oreos, deep fried everything!
-Girls' Night Out: Post Thanksgiving Celebration.
-Beach biking with Rachel Om.
-6 months.
-Wednesday game nights!
-Xmas shopping, the most stressful fun of the year.
-19th Birthday. I may make a Wish List... I don't know yet.

I just want my friends home now. I love this time of year.

Someone Black Friday shop with me! I need a partner.

Friday, November 13, 2009

"He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." John 8:7

I think the world needs to remember this more...


I fully acknowledge that my baking skills are far below mediocre and they aren't really worthy of bragging on any level. I do feel sorry for my future children since they probably won't receive the greatest baking that many Mormon mothers are able to provide. But, hot damn, these chocolate chip cookies sure do make me happy.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


"It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody, and I love somebody." - fun.

There are certain lines of certain songs that get me every time. I love somebody.

Monday, November 09, 2009


I am thinking too much again. I feel it.

Disappointing exam. I sorta hate him for telling us that price ceiling and floors wouldn't be on it, only to stick it on anyway. Those were two questions I struggled with and hated myself for not knowing. I hate when a part of me is angry at myself like that. Still, he is a good teacher. I'm just not the good student I should be to do well.

I do think this afternoon was perfect. I should go to the beach more often, especially Newport. If I could, I do think I would try to go every day. I wish I had taken more pictures though (which reminds me, I should upload what I did take picture of right now). The wonderful memory will stay in my head for years, all of it. The smell of the McDonald's french fries. The seagulls. The beautiful houses. Good Company. It was perfect.

California Adventure makes me happy.

I can't sleep as much these days, mostly because I'm thinking too much. I'm thinking and I don't really have a way to get my thoughts out properly. I miss people and it puts me in a seemingly depressed state. I vent to some people, but venting doesn't help anymore. All I want to do is fix things and make things better, not simply pretend like everything is okay and push it away towards the deep corners of my thoughts. I feel lonely. I want my friends back.

I am selfish in my writing, in all of my writing. I'm write with the hopes that I can let out my thoughts, not privately, but to the world. In this way, maybe I can dream wonderful dreams again and not have this headache and my small number of readers won't have to listen to petty complaints.

Don't think me to be depressed.
In general, life is good and I am happy.
I'm just thinking too much.

Saturday, November 07, 2009


i had too much fun drawing this.

crazy love.

fills me with gust.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Just in case.

In life, I've come to notice that whenever people see another person ask for money, they tend to walk the other way. Seeing someone dirty, who clearly hasn't had a shower in days with a cardboard sign asking for money is kinda scary. Another argument is that these people don't deserve money. They really are just the bums they appear to be, not bothering at all to get off their butts and get a job. Whatever the excuse, people choose one and allow their prejudice to take over. And in all honesty, I am sometimes guilty of being one of them.

But most of the time, or whenever I can, I think to myself... What if that was Jesus? That probably sounds lame of me, but true. I can't help but think, if that was Jesus begging me for money, I wouldn't just give the couple dollar bills in my wallet, I would want to give Him everything I owned. So just in case that person sitting on the side of the road asking for money is Him, I like to think it wouldn't really hurt for my wallet to be a few dollars lighter.