Tuesday, February 24, 2009


when you were three and you just finished your dinner, your mom tells you to go put your dirty dish next to the sink. your hands are small and the grip is not so great. so you're walking, quite content with a belly full of food and out of no where, you hear a shatter. you look down and you're surrounded by a million ceramic shards. tears form in your eyes, not yet ready to stream down your face, but on the cusp. you look up to your mom and just say sorry over and over again til the nothing else to say. she picks you up, gives you a hug, and chuckles a little.

when you were eight, you played catch with your neighbor from across the street. the kid was a little weird, but whatever, it was decent company. so on you go playing until suddenly he thinks of himself as a pro baseball player and decides to chuck the thing. now naturally your main fear would be to not get hit, but seeing as the ball went straight towards your parents bedroom window, it was a bit different. and for some strange reason, the only thing you can think to do... is run. so off you run until dad, incredibly mad, catches up to you. after about five minutes of screaming he stops, and all you say is sorry. what more is there? his expression changes, and you know everything is all right.

when you were sixteen, you find yourself in a new school taking tests that seem abnormally hard. you study for hours, but when the math test lands on your desk, you're just staring at a page of nothing. you do your best, but it's not enough. the test comes home and your mom is mad. really, really mad. you say your sorry's and that you did your best. she's frustrated, but knows you're sincere, so all is forgiven. there's still next time.

now you're an adult. eighteen. you've made your mistakes and you've done some of the most stupid things possible. you still don't really think about your consequences until it's too late. after all, you're still human. but you feel so much less. so much smaller. so much more vulnerable. you've grown and you've learned. and now you know, sometimes sorry just isn't enough anymore.

(i'm emo. sorry.)


"there's only us. there's only this. forget regret or life is your's to miss." - rent.

there's only two things in life i think i may truly regret thus far in life.

the first involves me agreeing to play cowboys and indians when i was four years old, which resulted me in crying for a good thirty minutes after getting punched in the face by little punk who lived across street.

the second is number one x 17. maybe more.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


the thing about peanut butter is it's particularly sticky. annoyingly sticky at other times. attempting to get attached to everything it comes across from the jar, to the knife, to the toasted slice of bread. but there's one thing that will forever be resistant to peanut butter. jelly. doesn't matter what kind. strawberry. grape. raspberry. (i don't know if a raspberry jelly exists, but i just needed a third flavor. weird spelling...) no matter how much peanut butter tries to stick to jelly, the jelly always slides off and eventually oozes out of the sandwich if it can't stand being around the peanut butter anymore. so the peanut butter just says, "what the heck, jelly? why won't you stick with me?" and jelly says, "why would i want to? i'm my own ingredient." they argue a little, and then that's it. so why do the two supposedly go well together?

as different as the two seem, peanut butter and jelly really do make a perfect match. pb&j. it's like fate. they really are two opposites, but they work. it's been proven by a little dancing banana. i wonder if the rest of life could turn out so well...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

week of reds.

"holly: you know those days when you get the mean reds?
paul: the mean reds... you mean like the blues?
holly: no, the blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's raining too long, you're just sad that's all. the mean reds are horrible. suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. do you ever get that feeling?
paul: sure.
holly: well when i get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to tiffany's. calms me down right away. the quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. if i could find a real life place that'd make me feel like tiffany's, then...then i'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!"
-breakfast at tiffany's

**i think the sad part is that jewelry probably would make me feel a little better whenever i have the reds. that and watching this movie. but no really, diamonds may very well be one of my greatest weaknesses.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


everyone's getting into college.
i haven't yet.
i want one.
just one and i'll be fine.

congratulations, jeffrey, for getting into byu. i never once doubted you, but was always proud of you. we talked about you going since forever ago. 8th grade. we grew up too fast...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

when i was a kid...

when i was a kid, the only reason my mom could get me to eat a carrot was because i loved taking a huge bite into and saying "what's up, doc?" i would watch cinderella religiously and wished the little birds could dress me too when i woke up every morning. when i was a kid, i thought my brothers and i were like animaniacs. lemonade stands were a summer tradition, where us kids easily racked in $150 in about two days. my neighbor would take me up on her roof just to eat lunch. super mario and paperboy were the only two video games i truly loved. when i was a kid, i was fearless on the jungle gym hanging upside down 10 feet off the grounds and crawling across the monkey bars. (tell me to do that today, and i will probably just laugh at you.) show and tell wasn't that great because other people alway brought in better things than me. when i was a kid, sour gummy worms were the best. my dad would be able to bribe me or cheer me up just by giving me orange tic tacs. my brother and i would try to take on my dad and wrestle on the bed, but we'd always lose. when i was a kid, the kids in my neighborhood and i would put on a musical shows for all of the neighbors. the only song i remembered was twinkle twinkle little star. when i was a kid, the only ice cream my dad would ever buy was neopolitan, and since my brother's favorite flavor was strawberry but he hated chocolate, i would only get chocolate with a little sneak of strawberry. when i was a kid, the only thing to stress out over was if there was a news report, and i couldn't watch my cartoons. but it was never anything chocolate or strawberry milk couldn't fix.

i would love to go back in time, just for a day. back when i was a kid.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

i think...

life is too short for wasted emotions. to be angered. to be jealous. to be annoyed. to be disappointed. to be depressed. to be misunderstanding. you find a fault and focus on the bad in life, to the point where said faults consume your mind and suddenly nothing else matters. you place yourself in a rather awkward state, and forget about everything and everyone else.

you don't realize how much you hurt other people in the process. you focus on your own wants and your own needs. and you become dangerously selfish in the process.

stand back and just take a look. you may realize that life is good. life is grand. it may not turn out exactly the way you would like, but it works none the less. your friends would die for you. your family sacrifices theirs lives for you. life is actually full of love and an endless number of people who would be more than willing to share some happiness with you.

take a look. you really are lucky to be alive today.

Friday, February 06, 2009

words of wisdom.

This coming Valentine’s Day I invite you to love YOURSELF as much as you love your family or boyfriend or cat or vibrator or whatever. Treat yourself to a new empowering lifestyle. Be the change you wish to see. Try a colonic. Try a yoga class. Get a massage. Go see a movie by yourself. It doesn’t have to be huge, just as long as you break from your routine and REALLY TREAT YOURSELF. Make it feel special. The joy you’ll experience will radiate from your pores and affect everyone you know. I promise.

Love & Light in All Ways,

first the worst.

second the best.

i'll always be second.
seconds SUCKS.
so does calculus.
it makes me bitter.