Thursday, March 26, 2009

life is hard.

but life is good.

everything happens for a reason, and God has brought me to every situation in my life with a purpose. though it may not be exactly what i had planned these last few years, i trust Him to take care of my when i don't know how to take care of myself.

i have so, so much to be grateful for. surround yourself with people who remind you of that. people who love you. people who want to remind you of this at least twice every hour. people who make you so incredibly happy that you have no other desire but to thank God for such a wonderful person in your life.

it's been a tough, rather confusing two weeks.
life is hard,but life is good.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

note to self:

- carry an extra pair of flip flips when wearing "nice" shoes.
- always look both ways.
- finish packet of papers for training.
- figure out if you're supposed to do something on the 4th.
- birthday presents! (wrap them.)
- focus on your homework. ironic, i know.
- exercise is good for you.
- if you finish the milk at night, there won't be any left for breakfast.
- cleaner room means better chi.
- take some time to relax, if at all possible.
- practice!
- don't give up. you know you're a lot better than you think yourself to be. you just gotta believe it.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


i wish every day was chalk day.
(no, that's not a picture of me.)


i wonder...

would it be better going to school each day not knowing about the frustrations and problems going on with the teachers and administration, who should be taking care of you when they can barely take care of themselves, or not even notice? would you be happier being friends with someone who secretly despises certain aspects of you and actually resent you for it, or find a new friend? would you prefer looking up to certain people your entire life, or learn that their actions have destroyed the lives of people you love? would you want to go on through life knowing someone hated you, making you feel uncomfortable whenever they are around or even mentioned, or would you rather remain unaware and oblivious to said hate?

most people may choose to know the truth. but when the situation arrives and said truth becomes some knawing factor that forever lingers in the back of their mind, will they still want it? i've learned of so much hate and so much hurt, i wonder if my outlook on life would be any different if i had just remained in the dark.

just a thought...

Monday, March 23, 2009


"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it."- Waitress.

i missed this.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

life is hard, but life is good.

"life is hard, but life is good." fr. sparks.

i firmly believe in every word i write, mainly because of the power of your words. i wrote about this once in a paper a little less than a year ago, but i'll share a bit of it once more. words carry a strange sense of power people often take for granted whether it be spoken, written, or in this case, typed. once shared with another person, they can never be taken back, no matter how hard you try. you can't erase pen, just like you can't erase any emotion you bring about in another person after speaking to them, whether it be anger, hurt, sadness, or joy. they're effects linger for a very long time, possibly even forever. they're permanent. words carry power, and these days i find myself thinking over very carefully each sentence i speak. so to not believe if your own words is a dangerous thing. whether or not i can follow my own words is a different story...

life is hard, but life is good. often times whenever people come across some kind of hardship, the first thing they do is vent. that's stage one. why is this happening to me? why did i deserve this? everything is going wrong no matter how hard i try. this isn't gonna end well and quite frankly, it's not getting any better. why can't i, just this once, get what i want?

and after all of this venting is done and gone, people tend to hang on to this little ounce of hope left. whether it's hanging on by the bare tips of your fingers or the last thread left on that rope, people look for any hope they have left for things to get better. and what's so bad with that? hope is a good thing. but some times, it holds them back from moving on. that's stage two.

stage three deals with the final outcome. when you takes a step back, and realize that everything is all right. this is probably the hardest stage to reach, mainly because the outcomes, though not necessarily bad, aren't exactly what you had in mind. they may not even be close to what you actually want, but that's just how they are. and you come to this acceptance and move on. you, in fact, are blessed with so much more than you think you deserve. and in the end, once you hit this stage you realize something...

life is hard, but life is good.
i firmly believe in my words above and that through most of the hard times in my life, these are probably the three steps i will have to go through. whether or not i would be able to get through them today is an entirely different story.

Monday, March 16, 2009


when i was about four or five, i learned the magic of a hot glue gun. how did that weird stick suddenly turn to goo? sadly, it sorta took a tangible lesson to learn the where the "hot" came in for "hot glue gun." let's just say it resulted in my touching the hot gooey substance and a very painful index finger.

i somehow did not manage to believe my dad when he said that the glue would just come off easily once it dried. now i don't know what exactly proceeded the touching, but the final result was not simply a little burn and a pained finger, but me losing a whole chunk of skin off my finger where the glue once was.

ever since then, almost every encounter i've had with a hot glue gun resulted in a burn of some sort, big or small. i was reminded of that today.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

"beware the ides of march."

i lack catharsis.
should've listened to that soothsayer.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


i wonder if i've written about this before. i probably have, but here's a second go at it.

i've come to realize that the hardest changes are the ones that people don't necessarily notice. if you get a haircut or decide to walk places instead of driving, others are bound to notice. hence, you are most likely to talk about said change with another person, gaining a sense of support in the process. but there are changes a person has to make that will most likely seem unnoticeable to the rest of the world.

the change you do alone. there are times in your life where you find yourself going through struggles that other people basically can't help you with. sometimes people feel it when clearing out the messages in your phone, throwing out some old letters, or taking down a picture that once hung by your bed. it's this letting go, not simple of a memory you once held but also a part of yourself. erasing these memories is like erasing your past. now i fully understand that this process may be a complete healing process for some. but me, i'm different. i've kept my letters since the age of 8 and i'm not about to start now. so the letters, photos, ticket stub, etc. all go in a shoebox tucked some place that may be unseen by strangers but always noticed by me. you may say i'm holding myself back from moving on with my life, for me, i'm holding on to the memories i still treasure that once made me so ridiculously giddy. why throw that away?

a lot goes unnoticed, whether it's a change or a lack thereof. (i feel as though i'm totally going off my main topic.) i'm not ready for the changing of myself that secretive change unnoticed by the rest of the world because, in all honesty, it's too hard. so on the surface, i'll smile, laugh, dance and sing. but inside i think my feelings will go unchanged. someday, years from now, i'll go back to that box and remember every smile each item brought to my face.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

i miss taking pictures.

they looked like mini yellow daisies, so naturally i fell in love. someday, i'm gonna have my own house with a beautiful garden full of daisies of all different colors. but the yellow ones will secretly be my favorite, just don't tell the other ones i said that.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

i really am lucky to have the friends i have.

Thursday, March 05, 2009


i think one of my greatest goals in life is to prove people wrong. i hate, HATE when people are right about me. well, not so much the good qualities, but the bad ones. have you ever tried to look at yourself the way other people look at you? the best friend. the loved ones. the semi, close friends. the distant friends. the teachers. the parents. the strangers. the boss. the peers. it's all different. and somehow, some of the manage to learn more about you than you ever thought there was to learn. or worse, they find out about one of your greatest flaws that you just want to hide from the world. and you just want to prove to them that this flaw is just a fluke. it'll pass. or, more wishfully, you think they're wrong. your mind tells you this lie, but your gut knows the truth. so on you go, trying to rid yourself of this flaw, but you are fully of aware that said person knows of this flaw. and you focus on that fact. no matter how hard you try, the fact that this person knows your vulnerability just gets to you, leading to your ultimate demise.

well this is my struggle, and thus, this is my goal. to prove people wrong. i can be what i want and you need. just give me a chance to prove it.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

if you're in, i'm in.

"Kids, there comes in a time in your life when you find yourself making what may be the biggest decision of your life. And if you know, deep down inside, you heart is telling you to go down a path which may ultimately be a mistake, turn your brain off. Just turn your brain off and listen to your heart. It's best friends with your gut. In the end, it may be a mistake, but at least you can look back on life without any "what if's." You make that mistake, learn from it, and go on with your life. Sometimes, you gotta make that mistake."
-past Kimly
nov. 17, 2008

I lied. I do like the advice I wrote to myself months ago. Some of it at least. I was blinded for a while, and may very well still be just as blinded today. Still...I don't like the person I've become these last few months, and there are still a number of things I wish I never did. But I'm starting to realize who I want to be. I don't want to be someone who's lived her life and made every decision based on some kind of fear that resided in me at one point or another.

Life is full of uncertainty. You don't know which one of your friends may suddenly get seriously injured in a car accident or whether or not your girlfriend will leave you. You can live through this constant fear of things not going as planned. If you do, you'll never take a chance. Don't constantly relive the pain you felt in the past and do not dwell in the potential hurt you fear may come in the future. Live now. Figure out what you want and get it. Don't let what others may think stop you. Never let someone else stop you from being happy. Never. I believe wholeheartedly that you, dear friend, deserve a world of happiness.