i wonder if i've written about this before. i probably have, but here's a second go at it.
i've come to realize that the hardest changes are the ones that people don't necessarily notice. if you get a haircut or decide to walk places instead of driving, others are bound to notice. hence, you are most likely to talk about said change with another person, gaining a sense of support in the process. but there are changes a person has to make that will most likely seem unnoticeable to the rest of the world.
the change you do alone. there are times in your life where you find yourself going through struggles that other people basically can't help you with. sometimes people feel it when clearing out the messages in your phone, throwing out some old letters, or taking down a picture that once hung by your bed. it's this letting go, not simple of a memory you once held but also a part of yourself. erasing these memories is like erasing your past. now i fully understand that this process may be a complete healing process for some. but me, i'm different. i've kept my letters since the age of 8 and i'm not about to start now. so the letters, photos, ticket stub, etc. all go in a shoebox tucked some place that may be unseen by strangers but always noticed by me. you may say i'm holding myself back from moving on with my life, for me, i'm holding on to the memories i still treasure that once made me so ridiculously giddy. why throw that away?
a lot goes unnoticed, whether it's a change or a lack thereof. (i feel as though i'm totally going off my main topic.) i'm not ready for the changing of myself that secretive change unnoticed by the rest of the world because, in all honesty, it's too hard. so on the surface, i'll smile, laugh, dance and sing. but inside i think my feelings will go unchanged. someday, years from now, i'll go back to that box and remember every smile each item brought to my face.