...over time people have come to the conclusion that if i'm quiet or don't speak much then there's something bothering me. i talk a lot. a lot more than any normal person probably should. so if i'm quiet, they make the incorrect assumption that something is wrong. i'm sad. or i'm angry. i like to watch people, especially people that i've just met. not talking is a time for me to really get to know other people, or just take in the world around me.
...i still fear other people's perceptions of me. i was once told that if people look at you in a certain manner then it might as well be true. there may be several arguments both for and against this statement. still, it makes sense. people see me is clingy or obnoxious or fake or irresponsible. and in my mind, i'm screaming louder than i've ever screamed before. in my mind, i want desperately to prove that i'm not the person they see me to be, though i know it to be impossible in the end.
...i'm absolutely horrible at confrontations.
...i want to roam around ikea.
...i want to repaint my room.
...i'm done typing for now since this is all nonsense.
but i know...
oh, i know...
...i'm the happiest i've been in a very long time.