ramble ramble.

i wonder...
if it's this late at night
and my mind is so terribly unfocused,
will my words make sense?
or better yet,
can they actually sound pleasing to a 3rd party?

i found myself reading,
when my pencil should have been scribbling
numbers that make absolutely no sense to me.
i was lazy so i didn't read the blog from the beginning.
the furthest i got was last january.
tonight i read it from start to finish.
it scares me to know that i don't really know someone.
it scares me to know think of their life before me.
and mine before them.
only cause
it means there's a chance
that their life can go on without me
and mine without them.
i loved it and hated it
all at once.

i wish that writing hadn't stopped.
so my reading wouldn't have to stop either,
and not just because i don't want to return to calculus.
i can write all night
and avoid it all together!
i should be wearing my procrastinators tee.
what an ideal moment for it.

it's wandering...

i daresay, today was a wonderful day.
(actually it was yesterday.)
i was a kid again
while still allowed to do adult things,
like drive
or curse if i wished.
i did not.

i want to tell people who i feel.
if i'm scared of you, i'll tell you.
if i'm jealous of you, i'll tell you.
if i'm angry at you, i'll tell you.
if i'm fond of you, i'll tell you.
if i miss you, i'll tell you.
if i hate you, i'll tell you.
if i love you, i'll tell you.

i cannot.
most likely will not.
is it strange that telling someone you love them
is just as scary as telling someone you hate them?
if not scarier.
i wonder why that is.

i know.
it's putting yourself out there.
(or maybe..MAYBE
it's the fact that people don't really know what love is yet
and they use that phrase like it's nothing
without any real understanding.)
is it strange that the person
who you want to express your love to
should be the last person you're scared of sharing said feelings with?
i think so.
(i don't know what i'm talking about anymore.)

i've been trying to tell people for weeks
that they scare me
and that i miss them
and that i hate them.
(i really shouldn't hate.
resent? no..
uhmm. shoot.
frustrated with!
i am frustrated with you!!
better.)
i cannot.

you know what i hate?
how much freaking alliterations is ALWAYS in my writing.

it's wandering again...
oh, thoughts.
back to calculus.
never do i feel more like a chump,
than when i'm struggling in calculus.
curses.