Mumbo Jumbo.

This is definitely one of those nights when I have a lot of things on my mind, but cannot articulate them into words at all.

So instead, I will list the random stuff to clear my head.
-I am in the mood to watch 500 Days of Summer.
-January is almost over. This month was fast.
-2 people's birthdays are coming up! Be prepared for awesomeness.
-Valentine's day is coming too. I miss being a kid and making valentines and getting a ton of free candy. The only non-handmade ones I had were Batman Beyond.
-I loved that cartoon.
-If I weren't so cheap, I would buy some film, so I can use my fisheye camera.
-Lunar New Year is coming up too!
-Amazing how a day can change in one sentence.
-Sigh... still bleh. I just want to sleep.
-Above all, God is good to me.



Note: I picked up the phone to call you about 3 times since I got home, but I wouldn't know what to say. Never mind how much I've seen you recently, I just wanna talk to you. Feels nice, y'know?

Ruche Lookbook!

Ruche Look book

I really, really love studio photo shoots. As well as the dress and top on this model.

In the last week

I've watched:

The Big Lebowski

True Grit

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

The Social Network

Have I written about how much I love watching movies? There's a reason why dinner and a movie was so popular that it's become a cliche. After a really long, tiring day or week, a perfect night would consist of great meal and a movie with good company.

I could most definitely use another night like this soon.

I wonder if this is still read by people..

I warn you now this will be utter nonsense.

I feel helpless today.

When I was a kid, we were asked in religion class what we thought heaven was like. And that was one of those moments when you see the imaginations of youth run wild. Heaven was a place where there were big screens everywhere and people in all white with wings watched their favorite tv shows and no one ever missed their favorite cartoons. Or heaven was a place where you could have your favorite food every night for dinner and ice cream was always an option for dessert.

I still let my imagination run around a bit these days. Okay, a lot more than a bit..

And I can't help but wish for a place where all my questions can be answered. Will God let me ask any and all of the questions I've ever wondered in life? What if heaven could be a place where I could sit in front of this huge flat screen and watch all of my answered get answered in front of me? All night, questions floated around my mind, and I couldn't help but feel helpless knowing that I will most likely live the rest of my life never knowing the truth behind any answer.

I think am losing sight on what I am living each day for..

Enough nonsense. I'll blog something less depressing in a few.

Thursday

-Had a full day with at work with no real traffic in the morning.
-Lunch with my guy.
-Dinner and farewell to a friend.
-Crocheting and Temptations playlist.

Pretty darn good day.

I want to...

-hike! So badly.. I went and bought one of those sterilite tubs from Target to keep all of my backpacking stuff in. And it feels like such a waste to see it just sit. I want to go somewhere.

-go somewhere for more than just a night. I am pretty sure the last thing that could be considered a vacation was back in August. But even then, I was super tired after hiking Half Dome. I was thinking East Coast for Sprint Break. But $150 there and back is a lot.

-get dressed up and have a fancy dinner. Just cause they're nice and yummy.

-go to Disneyland! This may be the only thing that I get to do on my list. Got a month off a school, the family just got passes and a couple friends have it too. It'll be good.

-not have to pay for more car repairs. Sigh.. I hope fixing this window is the last thing I have to pay for in a while. I want to save up for something biiig.

-play in the snow! It seems like such a waste for it to be so cold this winter and for me NOT to see the snow yet. I may have to bug some friends to take me...

On a side note: I keep having dreams that people keep leaving me. And when I wake up, the feelings from the dream still linger. It's sad. :( Haha, I am apparently quite incapable of grasping what is a dream and what is reality.

I sorta miss life how it was a year ago. I think I was more ignorant of things then.

It's your birthday!

Ever since my 18th birthday, I always hated when people told me to be happy just because it was my birthday. Particularly because that was the year I lost my grandmother the night before.

Well, it most definitely feels like my birthday..
And, I am pretty happy.
I will be significantly happier once I am done writing this paper that is due at 3pm.



p.s. I still miss you, grandma. Especially yesterday. You were simply the best.

A little off.

"my stupid mouth
has got me in trouble
i said too much again"

Or maybe too little?



I am in a self deprecating mood tonight (In other words, I am emo tonight. This post will probably be gone by Tuesday). I want this December to just be done already. Who cares if it hasn't even started yet.

take another picture with your click, click, click, click camera.

Friend: Did you take pictures??
Me: Noo..
Friend: Booo!

This bummed me out a little. I hate when I get super excited for something and bring my camera with a fresh battery and memory card, ready to take way too many useless pictures.. only to end the night without a single image. If there's a next time, maybe I can get a picture or two.

I don't like seeing inflatable Santas on people's lawns and knowing that Jingle Bell rock is already playing on the radio before Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong; Christmas songs are and will forever be some of my favorite songs to listen to. And I do admit, I have already thought of which songs I want on my play list for all of my December car rides. But rushing into it all.. I don't like it.

It's a pet peeve of mine, I suppose.

Okay, the end.

Thoughts from the Day

1. Stay up til 2am with a cold on its way, so I decided to sleep through Astronomy (I literally have a perfect score in the class anyway).
2. Turned in my Econ midterm and find out my only other class was canceled. Thought I'd be stuck sitting through 3 classes only to go one. Ideal, no?
3. Crazy craving for mac & cheese and some chicken noodle soup. Still do.
4. Not having traffic to and from school is AMAZING.
5. Watching tv with the right company is also really amazing.
6. Tina Fey is quite the clever one.
7. Even drinking apple juice hurts my throat. Sad. :(
8. It's cold.
9. Time to go fix up some dresses! (Let's go somewhere and dress up!)

Make you feel my love..

"When the rain is blowing in your face and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love."

Is it weird that this song makes me want to cry when I hear it, but still makes me really happy? Probably.. Thank you, Bob Dylan.

Thoughts from Sunday

.. that I never got around to posting.

I think from all the people I've met in my life, it's a good 50/50 when it comes to their opinions on rain. I know it's has gloomy colors and ruins your suede shoes and people are significantly more dangerous on the roads. But past all of that, there's just this magic behind rain.

When you're walking in the rain and you're freezing.. The shoes you are wearing are now soaked to the soles and your messy hair is everywhere, and make up is nonexistent. And you finally get out of it feeling damp, like a mess of vulnerability. Yet when you find someone who still cares for you behind this mess that stands before them and still pull you in for a hug, it's just amazing.

Plus the following add to its awesomeness:
walking through puddles in rain boots
practically no lines at Disneyland
the sound of raindrops on the rooftop of your car
snuggling up with hot cocoa
snogging in the rain. (haha just kidding.. maybe. The Notebook!)



Today was probably the most amazing weather Southern California has had in a while. The morning was so very crisp and the San Bernadino Mountains looked amazing. But I am very much excited for a rainy season ahead.

Current Psyche.

-My own hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me. It frustrates me. And I never really let myself change, I partly don't think I can and also just don't want to. I need to work harder on being a better person. I honestly don't remember the last time I bothered trying to improve myself. Selfish, really. But mostly laziness.

-I am tired. Not just because I got used to going to sleep before 11 the past 2 nights. I'm just tired of each day. I'm bored already.

-Definitely not looking forward to Thursday. Cause Thursday is a school day. It's like my old Wednesdays for me. The same way Tuesdays are my new Mondays. There is only one good thing about my Tuesdays and Thursdays and that usually only lasts an hour, if that. If I could make myself not care about responsibilities, I would make that good thing last the rest of the day. That would be nice.

-The one thought that stuck out to me at work today was that I need a vacation. A long one. Haha, like that will happen.

-I sound awfully pessimistic, don't I? I'm not unhappy. Don't for a minute think that. I am just very, very tired and so it's just dominating my writing.

Okay.. goodnight, world.

You talk of how the world is unfair,
never gives you what you want,
and takes you for granted.

But you never really saw
how you could hurt the rest of the world.

You forgave some
and still hated others.
But did you ever notice
that the ones you forgave, apparently hurt you
and the ones you hated, you continually hurt?

I watched it all
but looked away.

I can only listen for so long,
and help so much
before it all takes its toll.

You always thought that no one would understand that
taken-for-granted-hurt you felt.

I do.

The hurtful world has so much left to learn.
So do you, friend.

(I may or may not dramatize things. Okay, I dramatize a lot, but still.. )

Romanticized.

Today in English, we read a short story about a girl who just romanticized everything she saw in life and how it was sad that she was unable to see the sad reality that lay right in front of her. And then my professor went on to say, "Well, if you think about it, all of you romanticize your own lives. Not just with love, but you romanticize you, as a person. You all think you're smart and mature now with great relationships. Take another look and maybe you'll see just how romanticized everything is." What. the. eff.

Well, he's right. I romanticize a lot about my life.
And I'm okay with that.

If I weren't so tired and hungry, I would attempt to write some nice, romanticized prose about all of this. But I won't.

All of my nothings

"Okay so there's this scene in Winnie the Pooh, where Christopher Robin tells Pooh that he is growing up and isn't gonna do nothing any more. And Pooh is confused and Christopher Robin says something along the lines of .. "it's like when an adult asks you what you're going to do today, and you so 'Oh, nothing' and then you go out and do it." That's sorta my definition of nothing. I always read that and wonder if I ever grew up because I still do that to this day.

It's like .. when you had a rough week and when the weekend finally comes around you just sleep in and watch your favorite tv shows all day. And some people sorta think, "You're such a bum sitting around doing nothing all day!" But doing that is actually something so very important to me cause it's time for me to relax and rest. Basically my overall meaning was that what may appear as nothing to the outside world actually has a lot of meaning and importance to me. And in my blog, I attempt to convey its importance so others may possibly understand as well.

Do not fret. I thank God each day for all of the amazing gifts He has provided me. Particularly for the wonderful clouds that make the sky so beautiful lately.."

Current Psyche

a. My posture is horrid. I must attempt to fix, though I already know how this will turn out.
b. I get sad whenever I see my broken watch, but haven't had time to fix it.
c. Class tomorrow = sad Kimly.
d. Quiero un lens.
e. I miss getting all fancy smancy and going somewhere and just taking pictures for fun.
f. Griffith Observatory! My astronomy teacher made me want to go. Someone take me.
h. I am a petty, stubborn person. I'll work on being better tomorrow..
i. 16 months is a really long time.. just saying.
j. 79 degrees tomorrow. :(
k. The sunset today made me really happy.
l. Suffering from separation anxiety. (I am a needy person.)
m. Why the heck am I awake typing this?

Current Psyche

1. It's hot. All I want to do is wear fall clothes and be able to snuggle in a blanket while I watch tv.
2. I have no motivation to do anything. It scares me.
3. The fact that my friends are very far is taking its toll on me again.
4. Maroon 5 is gooood stuff.
5. I lied about my weight in order to be able to donate blood today and still didn't show up to my appointment. I suck.
6. Tomorrow is gonna be hot too, huh?
7. Bumming it on the couch feels good. It was much needed.
8. I still need to brush my teeth.
9. The idea of having some people around is still too good to be true.

I want so badly to believe

...that there is truth and love is real.

He asked the room if there was anyone who considered themselves a romantic at all. I raised my hand, without a single ounce of hesitation, looked around and realized my hand stood alone amongst an empty space. And every song and poem analyzed spoke of people following the orthodox teachings of romanticized living who find some tragic ending. The classmates themselves spoke only in the idea that romance was dead and a true romantic did not exist. He was a fake, at best.

Well, world, I argue otherwise. It may not be in opening the door of a girl every time she gets in the car or serenading with sweet melodies, but it does exist. Maybe it's all of the girly chick flicks I've seen in my days or possibly the hopeless romantic side of me. But I do believe that true romantics do exist, along with finding your true loves and happily ever afters.. If I were to change my mind simply because the rest of the world apparently believes so, then I wouldn't really be me then, I suppose.

I hope romantics never give up.

Come back.

I always wonder if it's ever too late to rectify relationships. Some people find closure, some people accept the losses and some people think they move on. I've thought that I moved on so many times, only to find myself angry and hurt and frustrated all over again. And I've to come to the point where it's just seems too late for some things.

I guess I would just like to believe that life can prove me wrong.

Watch the Sky

Pardon me if I'm not myself.
I'm hiding, you see.
I'm finding distractions
in everything
and everyone.

It's what you do
when you cannot run

All I want to do
is look up and watch the sky,
but it just hurts
from the glare of the sun.

So at night,
take me out,
and we can have some fun.

Lay by my side,
hold my hand if you'd like
and all of my problems will be undone.

Getting lost in the stars,
there's no more need to run.

All I want to do is watch the sky.



(Astronomy class is having its effects on me. He just kept telling us to watch the sky. Then I just kept singing to myself.)

Material World.

This is probably my favorite look book that Ruche has had so far. The number of outfits I would love to have and all of the accessories and shoes and just the cute coats and cardigans. Makes me excited for fall and just cold weather clothes in general. Never mind the fact that I also spent many hours working on the descriptions and names of the a good number of the stuff. (Click here to get to the site.)

God works in mysterious ways.

I hurt tonight...

A poem I like?

Picking Cherries

The ladder quakes and sways under me, old wood
I put too much faith in, like ancestors strained.
You circle me, cradling the baby, sun glittering
in your face, parading through the leaves, glad.
If I looked down I would see your calm fear, see
in your narrowed eyes my bones chipped, useless.
The bucket hangs from my belt, pulling obscenely
at my pants, but the cherries drop in and grow
one by one. I keep reaching higher than I need
because I want the one that tickles your tongue.
When I come down we will both be older, slower,
but what of that? Haven't we loved this climbing?
If the ladder gives way I still believe I can
catch one branch, drop the bucket and ease down.

You may or may not know that I am not a huge fan of poems. I hated studying them in high school and now that I am studying them again, I am not the happiest person in the world. But alas, I have found one that actually makes me happy to read. So I figured I would blog about it. This way, when I'm looking back at my writings a year or two from now, or maybe next week, I can rediscover this poem and fall in love with it again.

Quote

"Sometimes I wonder how my wife reconciles loving this wandering mess that is me. The unspoken fear of so many artists is the discovery of true love. Not the kind of love that burns hard and fast, but the kind that smolders with no end and wouldn't let you go if you tried. I can't speak for all writers, but I know I speak for many when I say that it is a secret fear amongst us that with this smoldering comes the death of an atomic dream. New love is easy art. In the stirring of discovery poetry grows from seed to sunlight in short blistering days. In the light of the unknown the mystery of another makes anything seem possible. In love we are reborn in a frenzied blaze of hyper existence. In the dissolution of love we are blown to pieces. Some pieces we collect in the fallout of moving on and others we leave behind; thumb tacks on the great maps of our personal histories, showing us all the places that we have been." - Andrew McMahon

Sigh..

My eyes hurt from staring at a screen too long. My fingers hurt because they have no strength in them at all for the strings. & my head just hurts because it hurts..

I miss people a lot
and feel particularly antsy for tomorrow
even though I don't even have plans.
I must see someone, anyone.
I've been starving for a conversation..

And that is my 15.34 seconds of emo-ness for the day. Now for something cute!



I must recreate these.
Rachel Om, if you were still home, I would tell you to make these with me. And I already have chocolate icing in the fridge, begging to be used. It's like fate..

Birthday Wishes..

James Hance has some amazing art work where he does little twists on pop culture, including cartoons and t-shirts. This one in particular is a wonderful combination of my youth, Winnie the Pooh and Star Wars. I know it's bad to be materialistic and such, but holy cow, this is so awesome and cute! Eek!

I'll be one happy camper if I can someday collect all three. (I was in Ruche mode with that description up there.)

Untitled.

Yesterday I:
-got to my first day of school an hour before my potential class even started.
-saw girls dressed up, looking like they were gonna go clubbing.
-realized the hard way that 12 hour days at school means having to pack a lunch AND dinner.
-also realized that 12 hour days leads to major wardrobe issues (cold in the morning & nights but super hot during the day)
-wished it was my first day of first grade rather than my second year of college.
-remembered how much I despise poems.
-danced in the street and had faces made at me.
-KNOCKED OUT the moment I got home.

Highlight: dancing in the street.

Untitled.

I keep dreaming of this future that would be incredibly ideal and maybe a bit too perfect. And I find myself getting exciting for the years to come and seeing what new adventures we'll someday come across along the way. But suddenly, it stops.

I force myself to not think such things. Stop having imaginations of my own kind of fairytale fantasies and such. Because I must remember to live in today.

Don't worry so much about the future and tomorrow, and just appreciate today.

And today, you make me happy.

California dreamin.

I had a dream the other night
where I had to fight.

It scared me
and frustrated me
and angered me.

But in the end I won.
And you chose me.

And as I woke up,
still in a somewhat unconscious state
I couldn't help but smile.

All of the unhappy feelings
from above
just disappeared.
Replaced utter bliss.
How lucky was I
to have you choose me in my dreams?

It took me about 4.6 seconds
to realize that you also chose me in real life.

Who would've thought
that I could have you
as my dream come true?

Thank you.

I had one of the moments again. One of those is-this-really-happening?-my-God-I'm-lucky kinds of moments. Where all of your responsibilities no longer exist, and you want to focus on the now that will come to an end far too soon. And practically the whole time you're only thinking two things: "Gosh, I'm so damn happy." and "I wonder if I can keep things just like this forever.."

I think the best thing about it is that if you were to give a play by play of the moment to any other person, they wouldn't think much of it. Anyone in the world could have had a similar experience and not given it a second thought, but for you, there was something just plain wonderful about it. But that's what makes it so great. No one else in the world may ever really appreciate it as much as you. It's yours.

You know those quotes that say something along the lines of, "It's the simple things in life that make it all worth living." That moment when I probably should have been driving home and getting ready for bed made life worth living.

Thanks for the moment I'll remember forever.

Marley.

I laid down in bed ready to sleep, but felt this sudden need to talk to someone. But looking at the clock, I knew full well that no one would respond to any messages. And suddenly I felt my eyes fill up with tears, as they wanted to all day. It was like this bubble had burst and everything just kept pouring out, all of my complaints, worries, everything. I found myself talking to Someone I hadn't talked to in a while. And Fr. Matt's voice pops into my head singing, "don't worry about a thing, cause everything little thing is gonna be all right." (Yeah, my priest sang Bob Marley in church last Sunday.)

And I knew that everything really would be all right. I was sad still, and could've used a really long hug, but yeah... everything's gonna be all right.

Thank You for listening.

:)

Dear You,

Will you even read this? I'm not sure.. I feel like writing to you anyway. Right now I'm in the process of finishing up my take home philosophy final which finishes up my first year of college. It doesn't feel like some exciting memorable moment or anything. I just want to be done, so I can free my mind of some responsibilities for a while. I remember sitting around with you and talking about me going off to college and how I was so indecisive on what I want to do or what I want to major in. And honestly, I haven't changed. If anything, I'm at a greater loss more than ever before.

I feel very disconnected with the world right now. I mean.. life is good. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with it right now. I find me frustrated with such little things, but it always hits me hard for some reason. I'm always trying to find someone who will listen to me and help me figure out what I'm supposed to do. But I don't want people to be there for me just because I'm having a rough few days or because I'm asking them to be there for me. I want them to want to care enough to listen, not feel obligated to. I miss when we actually held real conversations because I didn't doubt that you just wanted to listen. I'm finding that to be rare with people.. Or maybe it's not rare and some part of me is pushing people away. I don't know.. maybe I'm forcing you to listen by writing this, and therefore I'm contradicting what I just said.

I'm just typing nonsense right now. I should get back to my philosophy final.

I miss talking to you. You feel so far away.

Sincerely,
Me.

Current Psyche.

It was good seeing people again yesterday.
Really, really good.
I missed people
a lot more than I had realized.
Even the ones I was never really close to.
Texting once a week
and seeing each other once ever 3 months
is not enough
at all.

I am freakin sleepy still.
I have a lot of work I should be catching up on.
Maybe I'll go to church at 630 instead.

I do enjoy your company
a lot more than you realize,
even if you wouldnt eat sorbets with me.

self-deprecating

I'm in one of those moods. Where you wake up not feeling so great, but you try to just ignore it. And you just try to get through the day and your mind just keeps wandering. You think about the people who were once so close but managed to walk away from your life. And then names of people who are still in your life keep popping up, but in the back of your mind you know that you're losing them too. You've already felt a part of you pushing them away and you're physically and mentally just too tired to make an effort to keep them close.

And throughout the day, little things that normally wouldn't bother you just keep pestering you. You're suddenly very aware of all of your flaws. Insecurities about the future make everything worse. And that voice in your head telling you that you don't even have a right to feeling this way doesn't help. So by the end of it all, you just feel like dirt.

Yeah.. one of those moods.
Tomorrow will be better though.
Hopefully.

Bright side: I finally went running again, and my room is the cleanest it's been in months, potentially even years.

Fond.

I like those moments when you're hiking.. and you're ahead of the rest of your group so it's just you. There are no other voices that are around to drown out the sound of your footsteps. Until you realize that it's your footsteps that are drowning out another noise. You stop. Look around and at just stare at this vast field of long grass and wild yellow flowers that surround you. (And if anyone really knows you, they know what a sucker you are for practically any yellow flower.)

At that moment, you hear the ever so quiet rustling of a grass and the sound of the ocean waves below. It's one of those sounds that you don't ever really think about but really, you only have the chance to hear maybe once or twice a year. They're rare. It's moments like this...

The Lord is Risen! Alleluia, alleluia!!

This is probably one of my favorite holidays. Not simply because it means that I will no longer have to watch what I eat every Friday or because I can finally get back what I've given up over the last forty days. I just tend to get really sad around Good Friday and Lent in general.

And Easter is just a time to start all over. It's a way to let go of all of the bad ish that you've been struggling with and frustrated with. Because your life is so much better than you realize. And even though it may not seem like it now, you have so much that should make you smile the goofiest smile ever. You get a chance to start all over and focus on the good stuff.

God is good stuff.

Life's box.

Think everything you own, specially all of the things in sprawled about in your room. It can be laying on the ground or sitting on the highest shelf of your closet. Now imagine that someone tells you that you must leave soon, and you can only bring so much stuff. The most important stuff. You look around and think of the main necessities: clothes, books, shoes, bed, computer, guitar, uke. But you take a look around and realize there's still a lot of stuff left: old cds, more books, boxes of pictures, frames of pictures, art projects from elementary school, your graduation gown from high school, 12 years of yearbooks. And all of this stuff isn't just sitting together in nice little piles for you to just pick up and take with you. It's scattered, and soon the thoughts in your brain are as well.

So you grab that box on the top shelf of the closet and you just start going through it. Then another box, and then another. And soon you look around you and realize that while you were trying to organize all of your stuff, you managed to do a really nice job at turning your room into a mess.

You start to categorize stuff and just stick them in boxes. Childhood knick knacks. Stuffed animals. High school essays and projects. Craft supplies. Clothes. Books. Pictures. Etc. And through all of this, you know some stuff must go, but everything has some memory of some sort. That's why you wanted to keep it in the first place. What are you supposed to do? You don't want to just let go of everything because letting go means forgetting and forgetting means losing the memories that you wanted so much to hold on to. And keeping one thing while throwing away another just makes you feel as though some things or people were just more important than others. What are you supposed to do?

How do people manage to find what's most important to them, throw them in a box, and just start all over?

I'm finding it hard to choose what to put in my life's boxes.

Spur of the Moment.

I wonder what the world would be life it everyone just acted on their feelings the moment it came about. People often tell others to calm down and just take to cool off when angry or to think things over when it comes to feelings of love. But what would happen if that never happened?

At first, I just thought that there would be a lot of fighting going on. People would be punching each other constantly and grudges would be held. Relationships would just be destroyed, and all love in the world would cease to exist.

BUT, that was just me thinking about what would happen if people simply acted on their feelings of anger. If people acted on their feelings of love, maybe they wouldn't be so scared to tell each other how they felt. Maybe they would apologize sooner and things could be better. Maybe you'd just see the world making a better effort to help one another out. Maybe people would just hug A LOT. Maybe grudges wouldn't be held on to for so long after all. Maybe things could be different.

Tonight is another night of what if's.

In case I haven't said it lately...

Thank you for hanging out with me, even though it usually just consists of us sitting in one of our cars and talking about random things. Thank you for not taking any crap from me and keeping me grounded. Thank you for saying the most perfect things at random moments. Thank you for not being annoyed at all of my constant text messages. Thank you for your constant willingness to be there for me the moments I just want to cry. Thank you for the wonderful memories you let me share with you in less than a year and for making me excited for the ones that have yet to happen. Thank you for being weird and making me laugh and helping me realize that I'm not the only weird one in our relationship. Thank you for making me smile, a lot. Thank you for not pulling away when all I want to do is just hug you and never let go.

Thank you for just being around in my life.
You really do not understand how much it means to me.

Options.

There's comes a point in life, when you start to wonder whether or not you should let go of someone or keep holding on. My choice was to keep holding on, hoping for something that may never happen. It meant that when I looked back I would have no regrets, and maybe she will want to come back. Be a friend again.

I know I've made my mistakes. I've made my apologies, and offered to be there if needed. I looked back on our history and found some wonderful memories and a wonderful person. I always wanted some kind of sign to help me make a better decision as to what I should do, to show me if there was ever any chance that things could get better.

Tonight I got my sign. Tears were shed in the past and the hurt always lingered. It probably still will, but tonight, I think it's time to let go.

Either choice hurts, but here's hoping this choice hurts less.

OK GO.

I've had those days and weeks when I've felt alone or just sick of dealing with life. And there have been moments when I turned to my friends to just vent. It wasn't necessarily asking for some kind of advice to fix the problems I had, but just to know that when life was rough, someone out there would listen to me or just have me for who I am.

And what I remember most of all was finding myself frustrated when I kept hearing, "It's gonna be okay!" I didn't want to hear that. I knew that when I would look at what appeared to be a crappy life six months from then, I would most likely be okay. But I didn't care about six months from then or even a week from that moment. I cared about that moment. I wanted this magical, immediate sense of happiness that I knew very well would not happen.

And so, whenever I see a friend going through a rough patch in their life, I refrain from saying that phrase that made me cringe so much. I hope they can understand that it's not because I am choosing to not be encouraging at the moment or optimistic. I just know that I cannot fully put myself in their shoes in times of unhappiness, but I sure can try.

So don't hate me for being hypocritical right now.. but, friend, it really will be okay. Life may not seem ideal for quite some time, and even then things may not seem to turn out as you had hoped. But everything is gonna be OH-kay.

Chin up, chum.

Money Makes the World Go Round.

This is probably going to sound incredibly unwise and irresponsible of me to say, but I'm tired of saving up money for the future. I feel like a fool for working so hard since the age of 16 and somehow managing to spend the majority of it away in a rather frivolous fashion on things I cannot remember. Clothes, eating out, movies. I know it's been spent in good times and though I cannot remember specific movies, I do have fun memories with friends. And I know I'm hypocritical since I just spent 8 dollars on Captain Crcuh, box of 12 Special K bars and frozen strawberries (I broke the whole "no shopping when you're hungry" rule). It's either that or big chunks of my money disappears on boring things like tuition, gas, or textbooks. But overall, I feel like there's no way for me to be financially comfortable with my future while still being able to enjoy it.

And I'm getting that itch again, mainly because of my world geography class. My professor's been everywhere and he's barely 35. I want to go places and see the amazing cultures that I keep reading about in my textbook. I want to go places without feeling bad about spending so much money on a trip. I'm tired of listening to people say that I have the rest of my life to travel and go places. I've seen far too many people say that and spend years and years of their lives going to school and working and having families and saying "Oh well, too late."

I don't mind working hard to earn the money I receive. But more recently, I've seen me just saving money and seeing it get spent on things that I don't even have the chance to enjoy. I know practically any talk of money is always sort of a touchy topic, but seriously, being responsible and saving up money for educational future and such is making be bitter.

But don't think this means I'll suddenly start going and crazy vacations and stuff. The responsible side of me has almost always hindered my fun. Possibly rightfully so. I'm just thinking more lately..

What good is it to save up money to survive when you're not really living?

For the smiles.

These weeks have felt rough.
And I saw myself holding on to grudges
and feeling bitter,
and constantly frustrated.

But today I did not worry.
I thought nothing of the negatives,
only about what was around me
in the moment.
Nothing and no one could pull my thoughts away
no matter how hard they tried.

For today I felt safe
and so very happy.

Today reminded me
that I have a lot of good in my life,
a lot to make me smile.
I have you to make me smile.

I think I need to focus on that more.

Thanks for the smiles.

God is Love. (pt. 2)

More recently I've noticed, in listening to people or in my readings, the idea of God being love. I don't know why, but I don't think it ever really struck me until now.

I remember as a kid, a popular question for religion class was, "What is the greatest gift that God has given you?" And the kids would say things like family, friends, their house, have a meal each day, chocolate (I'm craving some right now), or their new toy they got. I know now what I would say if asked that question today. The ability to love.

There's just so many types of love and so many ways you can show it to others. Jesus said, "Love one another as I have loved you." Many books tell people not to give their love out so easily when it comes to relationships. Love is amazing and brings so much happiness, yet can be confusing at times. Then again, so is God. I have no doubt about the love I have for my family and have managed to love complete strangers, like the nun I saw walking down the street every morning since kindergarten. Yet, I've found myself feeling rather vulnerable when I wanted to tell someone I love them. It was probably one of the scariest, while also one of the happiest moments thus far in life. Strange, is it not?

(I wonder if it's bad that I don't say it as much as I think it. A part of me believes that if the thought ever crosses your mind, you say it. Every time, even if it happens 20 times in a day. To everyone. Family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends. Yet another part if doesn't want to say it so much because it seems to lose its meaning like it has in the past. But rather, I want to show it through actions.)

Anyway, love is big. But it tends to make me feel small at times. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." I feel small when I think of the magnitude of that kind of love.

And just think. Without God, I could never experience that nervous, excited, happy feeling which is, in fact, love. It's beautiful really.. when you love somebody.



This post probably seems weird to most people. It's me rambling mostly. I sort of just wrote whatever came to mind, and nothing really flows together well. And considering how late it is, it'll probably seem even more weird when I read this over in the morning. I dunno... it's just my thoughts I suppose.

God is Love. (pt. 1)

"In today's hard times, you sort of lose faith in God. And when you lose God, you lose love." - Deacon Jerry

Do you ever have one of those days when you just aren't in the best mood? There's a lot in your life you aren't happy about and you don't really have much control over anything. I mean... there's still a lot you have to be happy about, but you're choosing not to allow them to be the main focus on your mind. That and you don't really care. And all throughout the day a part of you is sort of just hating the world until your emotions build up, and you hear one thing that makes you want to just let it all out.

It's amazing, really, how God just sets me up for all of this. Over the years, I've noticed a lot of people around me stopped going to church because they question the importance of it, especially when it comes to the Catholic Church. Everything is very structured. Our responses are phrases we've come to memorize and have seemed to lose its meaning. People argue that going to a Catholic church has no sincerity behind the prayers when the priest reads out of a book so much. Sure, their arguments may be valid. But it's moments like these, when I'm not having the most amazing day and God draws me in, that make going to church so very worth it.

Maybe it was just the horrible headache I had from today or the stress from life in general that made me tear up when I heard the deacon today. But I think it was because I realized there was something else I was losing.

Cept this is something I have control over. I'll work better to keep Him.

Boy, I'm in a bad mood tonight..

Edit: And I now I know that fun. won't be at Bamboozle. Bummer.

Nyquil sucks.

All I wanted to do was take some Nyquil and knock out until 7 tomorrow. After a disgusting mouthful of it and less than 4 hours of sleep, I am already awake again.




I just want sleep.
I'm sorry if I am grumpy.

I am simply the worst person in the world when I don't get it.

Hey, it's the 26th of January.

Do you ever find yourself sitting around with your friend (or group of them) and not a single word is exchanged? And in all that time while you're just sitting there, you're still feeling quite happy with everything. Sure it may not be the most exciting moment you could potentially have and probably won't seem like it would be the most memorable to anyone else. But you are happy, so what else really matters?

That's the thing. Just being around you makes me really happy, even if we aren't going on some cool adventure through the zoo or at the beach. I was cursed with a default look of boredom. So often, when people see my default look they automatically think I am bored or unhappy, but I most likely am not. I like to people-watch and sorta take in the world around me. And in those moments, I am usually not talkative and my default look comes around. But yeah.. that's just how my face is. It sounds strange, I know.

You should know that with you, I am always happy. (Unless we somehow manged to have a real fight.)

Throw in some paper and a box of crayons and life couldn't be better.

Go back.

Since I'm not fully satisfied with what I am writing tonight, I will just say this..

See blog entry from July 4th, 2009.

Remember...

...when the tips of my hair barely touched the bottom of my ears?
...when I would listen to the RENT soundtrack nearly every day and somehow manage to quote a song in a blog entry?
...when chick flicks made me a hopeless romantic and I constantly hoped it would be me one day?
...when my favorite toy was my little Canon Powershot?
...when I was actually decent when it came to volleyball?
...when I would blog practically every day, sometime multiple times?
...when I still wore glasses and had braces?
...when I knit??
...when we always walked to Walgreens to buy food and just pig out?
...when we would take naps after school and nothing else?
...when the park always one of our most popular places to hang out?

I am being nostalgic when I really should be sleeping. (I blame you, Athena.) Looking back, I remembered some of the happiest, most wonderful times in my youth. It makes me want to jump on the bandwagon and gather up all of my old pictures that made me so very happy and put them together in one place.

But the thing is.. I am also in love with my present life.
While I may look back and find a lot of good times in the past, I don't think I would want to go back. I love my now. Everything and everyone in my now. I am a fortunate person, living a very wonderful life.

I am happy.
& life is good.

Life is hard, but life is good.

(I do not care if you get sick of hearing this because you will continue to hear it from me a lot. I think it became my motto in life at one point..)

Rough Week.

The roughest.
I thought I would handle this better,
but clearly I cannot.

In actuality
I would love very much to run away.
But again,
I cannot.

I feel rather weak.
Helpless mostly.
And I am unsatisfied with the little help I can provide.
I should be able to do more.

In actuality, I am hindering myself
by wanting to forget.

I want to sleep,
but I cannot.

Unlike my usual problem,
I am not overthinking.
If anything,
I am not thinking enough.

I want to talk,
but I keep running out of words.
I want to scream,
but that's just not right.

I feel helpless.
Things change so quickly.

Rough week...

Remember.

Life is hard, but life is good.




I feel as though I am asking You for the impossible.
But if anyone can help me, it's You.

List Contents.

I sat down and made a list,
and it was a lot longer than thirteen.
But you're not allowed to read it.
And neither is the rest of the world.
It's growing...

I felt really bad
when I couldn't think of the list on the spot.
I remember people saying
it should be easy to think of its contents
right away.
It's not for me.
I'm sorry.
I hope that doesn't trouble you.

It shouldn't,
and I will give my justification as to why.

I may not be able to think of the list
off the top of my head.
But when the moment comes,
I know it.
I feel it.
And in the moments,
I just want to scream it to the rest of the world.
Or at least to you.
But that would probably hurt your ears,
so I usually choose to refrain.

And..
while the list's contents may take a while to think of,
I have no doubt of what it all leads to.

You make me happy
in a way no one else can make me happy.



Vague writings that probably turned out to not be so vague after all..

Rats live on no evil star.

Today reminded me how much I love my life.

Thus far each day of 2010 has been awesome. Never mind the fact that only two days have gone by. It's been good. Two perfect days is better than none, so I'll take it. Thank You, God. Today would never have happened if it weren't for You.

Random:
I have good people. I think (besides the hermits that live on their own and do their own thing) people, for the most part, just need people. You have your people to get you through the day. People to hang out with. People to talk to. People to have listen to you. People to listen to. People to work with. People need people. And when you don't have those people, you sorta feel lost in the world. And you're looking for this something that seems a little hard to find.

Well, I have people. Not just any kind of people. I have good people.
In case I haven't said it lately... thank you, People.

Happy Palindrome Day! (01/02/2010)

PS. I was off. My palindrome had something to do with a mouse and the moon. The real one had rats and no evil star. Sigh...

Typical New Year's Rambles.

I think it's very nice to note that yesterday was the first New Year's Eve (maybe ever) in which I had no real regrets looking back. It was the first year in which I didn't have to look back and feel unaccomplished in some way.

Instead I can look back and see that I've found my group of friends who I can rely on for anything, in moments of laughter or tears. Some who have been there for the last 13 years, others for the last 7 months. I hiked mountains for the first time, but certainly not the last. I graduated from high school and finished my first semester of college. I somehow fell in love with my summer job and finally learned to feel comfortable in my own shoes. I spent 6 rather rough days in the Grand Canyon, yet managed to enjoy it enough to want to go back next summer. I fell for this pretty cool kid I like to brag about. When it comes to family... there is not a single bit of doubt in my mind that we love each other and will always be there for one another. What more can I ask for? When it comes to God, He's given me far more than I deserve and is my constant backbone. Even in the moments when I sadly forget that He's there.

I had plans to see the world this past year, or at least Europe. Clearly that didn't follow through. My life isn't very exciting or all that interesting to anyone else. But in the end, I suppose it doesn't really matter.

Above all else, I am happy.

PS. I shall refrain from any New Year's Resolutions because it would be the exact same list as last year's. Exactly. I still have some work left..

Write or Wrong.

I think I prefer to write because you can edit what you say before the rest of the world reads it. Because it's easier to save what you say for another day and you won't feel as though the moment has passed you by. There's no awkward fumbling over words or leaving out an important thought or two.

Then again, I guess there's something beautifully raw about saying something face to face. Being so completely vulnerable in front of someone else yet still doing your best to open up. That's tough. At least it is for me.

I still get so incredibly nervous because I still believe things are too good to be true. Any moment this can all disappear, and I may very well be left with nothing. And yet, I feel so very safe when you're around. Nothing else matters anymore. I can't really describe it more than that.

Is this all just too crazy?
I'm going on 2 hours of sleep still and it's getting late. I'm for all my craziness. You shouldn't have to deal with it.

Lion.

Ever have one of those moments when you can't bring yourself to say something but in your mind you're just screaming it with the hopes that someone else can just read your mind and hear those silent screams?

My God, I am a coward.
Just call me a lion.

Sober Conversation.

I am very grateful that I have people I can have an intellectual conversation with. I like that I have people who I can hang out with anytime and always have something interesting to talk about. Someone who I can always click with, not a single moment of awkwardness. No need for some drinks to intoxicate, to make a situation more amusing. Not needing a designated driver because the rest of the group would be incapable of maneuvering a big vehicle. Being able to drink beverages that wouldn't require an ID.

Things are good enough sober...

Contentness.

I want to write! I do not care if I still have studying left to do and that it's already 1:30 in the morning. I'm gonna just use the excuse that writing is a way of clearing my mind, therefore allowing me to do a better job at focusing on my studying later on.

Today was and ideal day, that I would not mind repeating anytime soon (besides all things school related: studying and taking tests). I think it's sorta funny that so many of my friends went back to Oxford, mainly with the intent of visiting the people who are still there, old teachers and the students who are still there. Yet, for me at least, it felt so wonderful to see how many of the alumni just came back and were able to catch up again. I am so very fond of all the people I crossed paths with today, people I only talked to for a few minutes and others who I hung out with over lunch.

I want to just freeze everything,
and somehow magically make sure that these people
will be in my life
forever.

I don't think I've felt this kind of happiness in a very long time.
It's utter contentment.
It's finally seeing a friend after months apart
and feeling so much reassurance
in seeing that we still click.
We're still as close as ever,
since period 2 Spanish.
It's walking around in bookstores
and looking at stuff we can't afford.
It's the hugs that aren't just hugs.
They are hugs that say,
"Hey, let's stay close like this forever.
Let me keep you forever."

It's sitting there and literally thinking to yourself,
"Is this real? I think it is.
Wow.. awesome."

Yeah... Today was a good day.

I chickened out again today.
Maybe tomorrow...

Seemingly Powerless.

I think we tend to overlook a great deal in our lives and the actual power such overlooked things hold. (Did that make any sense?) It's the random messages shared between two friends throughout the day that seem like a bunch of nonsense to a third party that actually builds a bond between two people that no one can break. It's the slip of a cup that brings back a flood of memories and a great deal of laughter. It's the bagged lunches your mom still makes for you before you leave for school that tell you that she'll always be there for you. It's the one little sentence that gives you hope that everything will work out for the best. It's the kiss that still makes you wonder if the last few months were even real, as they seem far too good to be true. It's listening to that one song in your car that gets you smiling and happy every. single. freaking. time. It's making a wish at the same time every night that may seem incredibly childish to some, but sorta gives you a sense of hope for the impossible or for what you want most in the world.

Take a look at your day a little more closely.
Chances are you might have overlooked something too.


On a random note, my friends are coming home this week. Not just some of them, but basically ALL of them. I am quite excited, and clearly my words here are not even doing the excitement justice.

When I was at Walgreens today, I saw a card that was labeled in the category "It's been a while, but I'm always here to be your friend." They make pre-made cards for everything now. I wonder how difficult it would be write cards like that, like in (500) Days of Summer! Fun.

Ramble.

I am naturally a worry wart. I cannot help it when I start to worry about something small and automatically begin to over think it. Never mind the fact that this shows that I share a great deal of similar psychological symptoms to a person who is OCD. Indeed, I have looked back at certain moments in my life in which I worried about losing people and friendships and saw some freakish obsessive behavior going on. It's quite shameful for me now as I look back. If someone was angry or just didn't act their normal, happy self, I would simply assume that I did something wrong and they were mad at me. If there is even a slight chance that I forgot to bring something or get something done, I will not feel comfortable until I know for certain the task was completed. This was always just something I have accepted about myself throughout my life, and thus I sort of lived with it. I don't wanna anymore!

I want to not worry or over think, and just be happy with what I have. I want to ignore the stupid gut feeling I've got if ever it is telling me that something will not go my way. I want to learn to simply be grateful to the people around me and my God above for everything. It will be difficult.

I want to do well on my finals, therefore I must stop writing.
I just felt like writing...

:)

The world must see this.

[Abriged.]

You knit me sweaters and baked me cookies. You broke my heart when I saw that you were sick, and mended it back up again when you wouldn't let go of my hand.

I miss you.

Turn Table.

So I drove my big cousin around today, and suddenly I got this flashback of sitting in the passenger seat of her [red?] convertible as she drove me down a brick street in Larned, Kansas. It was then when I realized that the youngest of the cousins was finally grown up, even though just a few days ago, she said she still felt like a kid. I think my reaction in my mind was, "What the cuuuuuss?" (Go watch the Fantastic Mr. Fox. George Clooney is awesome even as a fox.)

This past week was probably one of the best weeks I've had this entire year, and the fun just keeps on going. It was one of those weeks where you just gotta soak in every moment and live it up. I am surrounded by the people I love and couldn't ask for anything better.

There's still a lot to look forward to...
-Starbucks run with Rachel.
-Tamale Making.
-Shopping, My materialistic side has been stifled, and I like buying presents..
-BIRTHDAY. Disneyland, here I come.
-Christmas.
-This semester finally being over.
-More friends coming home.
-Potential trip to San Francisco?
-Movies! Sherlock Holmes and Alice in Wonderland.

I have nothing philosophical to talk of lately...
I refuse to fully acknowledge the Christmas music on the radio until my birthday has passed. I will not let it be overwhelmed by Christmas. I refuse.

perfection.

Day 1.

The first day of my awesome week was a success in my opinion, except the fact that I am still awake and studying rather poorly for my tests. I will surely be sore tomorrow, but biking to the beach with some awesome friends was definitely worth it. Tomorrow will be grand! I foresee it now.

...Why am I writing here?
Procrastination.
I should leave.

Goodnight!

Supposed Nothingness.

I stayed up til 3am talking to an old friend that I miss terribly
and writing a bunch of nonsense for the world to potentially read.
I slept in until 12:45 snuggled up under four wonderful layers of blankets.
Now I will feast! On some pizza and Dr. Pepper.

No plans for the rest of today...
But I'm very excited for the day!

I love days like this.
Days when there isn't a specific schedule I gotta stick to.
I can just do whatever the heck I want.
It's nice. I don't appreciate these days enough.


I hope I get to see Sarah today..

Secret.

Wanna know a secret? In my mind, I'm freaking out. I've been freaking out for days, weeks possibly. The sad part is that I don't even know how long it has been going on, but I know it's been a while. The worst part is that the more reasonable side of my brain is telling me that I have no reason to blow things out of proportion and make a nothing into a something.

I feel scared,
but I cannot articulate what I am scared of.

I think that's the worst part, not really know what I'm scared of. That and coming close to trying to explain it to someone, but chickening out because when it comes time to justifying why I am scared, I will be left speechless and unsure. I do not know why I feel scared. I just do.

There's a particularly strong sense of uncertainty that I feel with life. Then again, I guess there is always uncertainty in everything. Maybe, just maybe, it makes life worth living, constantly trying to figure out what happens next. I know I'll be okay with however life turns out, I just selfishly and desperately want it to go my way.

I really just shouldn't be allowed to write this late.

People.

You know how there are some people in your life that you know will just always be there for you no matter what the circumstances are? You can be separated for weeks or months at a time, but when they're around, it's like nothing ever changed. And then there are the people you know are only in your life if you're physically around them. If not, you don't really have any contact with them. Your lives easily stray towards their own separate paths.

Then there's the person you were never quite sure of. It's those person who had the potential to leave forever, yet somehow managed to stay around and become a life long friend. Or it's the person you quietly hoped would always be there or at least show that they wanted to be there whenever life needed them around but seemed to choose not to in the end. This is the confusing one.

See, with the people who will clearly stay and clearly leave, you're able to brace yourself for the best or the worst. Your expectations allow you to not feel hurt when people walk out of your life. But I think the worst is wanting someone so badly to just be there and be your friend one more time like the way things used to be only to see that the past is the past. In some ways, life can never truly go back to the way things were, back to a time when you didn't yet know how to fully appreciate what you had. Realizing a person could be gone forever hurts. I'm not very fond of the idea of it.

But more recently, I'm seeing that a person can seem gone but can always come back to you. It's nice.

Just know, if you want, I'll always be here to do my best to be that friend who will walk back into your life. You're always welcome to come back and be my friend again too. There is no guarantee that this will go smoothly or that things will go back to the same old same old. I don't know if you can really guarantee anything in life, but I think it's worth a shot. I've missed you. I still do, friends.

I want...

-the Star Trek movie.
-and the Star Wars trilogy (the good ones, episode IV - VI, not that other stuff).
-and Inglorious Basterds when it comes out.
-and an external hard drive.
-and new books to read.
-and a working desktop.
-and giftcards because they make spending feel less guilty.
-and yellow flowers to make my room pretty again (though the mess sorta counteracts that, huh?)
-and some good strings for my guitar.
-and nothing generic like lotion. I have enough of that to last me a while now...
-and rain.
-and new songs.
-and some motivation.
-and a vacation to some place cool like New York or San Francisco.
-and a job.
-and for gas prices to keep going down.
-and... i'm out for now.

In case you didn't catch on, this was a wish list for people who have been bugging me about making one. I know I will regret this if I get doubles. Seriously, I like cards. And hugs. And cookies. And just hanging. But if you insist on encouraging my unnecessary materialistic side, there it is. I may or may not update it later.

Dear God,

Do you remember when I was a kid, and practically every year, You would make it rain on my birthday? I remember not liking it because I couldn't play outside and it was cold and I didn't know how to appreciate it then. Well, I can now. I love rain, and with the help of my rain boots, it's awesome. I know it's almost a month until my birthday, but please accept this early request. Please let it rain on my birthday. I will be eternally grateful.

Your's always,
Kimly

The Shins.

Gosh, looking back on this month, it's been pretty awesome. I have a lot to look forward to within the next two weeks. I simply cannot wait. I do admit to have my moments when I act awfully like a stereotypical girl and choose to allow my moodiness and bitterness to get the better of me, but overall, I'm happy.

My shins have been hurting for days. Walking sucks. For some reason, I keep wondering if by some freak chance I have shin splits. But that only happens to people who run on a normal basis and have done track for four years. I am so far from that... I am most likely just overreacting.

Top test score in my econ class of over 100 students. I felt awesome.
I HATED econ in high school. And now, I'm awesome. (kidding.)

Today was .. today made me happy. I just remembered my leftover chocolate which makes me even more happy. (This post has no point. Can you tell yet?) I am very grateful to God and the people in my life for making it worth living. I think I've focused too much on what hasn't really gone right in life and allowed myself to sulk over that. But more recently, today more than anything, I am very happy and lucky and grateful for everything I have. Life is good.

What I'm looking forward to:
-DISNEYLAND. Lots and lots of it. Ohh yeaaah... It's gonna look awesome with all of the Christmas decorations up.
-Ikea breakfast with Sarah!
-Thanksgiving dinner! I don't care when people say it's just like Christmas dinner, this will forever be my favorite meal of the year. Pumpkin pie! YUM.
-Deep fried turkey, deep fried oreos, deep fried everything!
-Girls' Night Out: Post Thanksgiving Celebration.
-Beach biking with Rachel Om.
-6 months.
-Wednesday game nights!
-Xmas shopping, the most stressful fun of the year.
-19th Birthday. I may make a Wish List... I don't know yet.
-Tamales!

I just want my friends home now. I love this time of year.

Someone Black Friday shop with me! I need a partner.

"He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." John 8:7

I think the world needs to remember this more...

YUM.

I fully acknowledge that my baking skills are far below mediocre and they aren't really worthy of bragging on any level. I do feel sorry for my future children since they probably won't receive the greatest baking that many Mormon mothers are able to provide. But, hot damn, these chocolate chip cookies sure do make me happy.

[untitled.]

"It's a beautiful thing when you love somebody, and I love somebody." - fun.

There are certain lines of certain songs that get me every time. I love somebody.

Fluctuating.

I am thinking too much again. I feel it.

Disappointing exam. I sorta hate him for telling us that price ceiling and floors wouldn't be on it, only to stick it on anyway. Those were two questions I struggled with and hated myself for not knowing. I hate when a part of me is angry at myself like that. Still, he is a good teacher. I'm just not the good student I should be to do well.

I do think this afternoon was perfect. I should go to the beach more often, especially Newport. If I could, I do think I would try to go every day. I wish I had taken more pictures though (which reminds me, I should upload what I did take picture of right now). The wonderful memory will stay in my head for years, all of it. The smell of the McDonald's french fries. The seagulls. The beautiful houses. Good Company. It was perfect.

California Adventure makes me happy.

I can't sleep as much these days, mostly because I'm thinking too much. I'm thinking and I don't really have a way to get my thoughts out properly. I miss people and it puts me in a seemingly depressed state. I vent to some people, but venting doesn't help anymore. All I want to do is fix things and make things better, not simply pretend like everything is okay and push it away towards the deep corners of my thoughts. I feel lonely. I want my friends back.

I am selfish in my writing, in all of my writing. I'm write with the hopes that I can let out my thoughts, not privately, but to the world. In this way, maybe I can dream wonderful dreams again and not have this headache and my small number of readers won't have to listen to petty complaints.

Don't think me to be depressed.
In general, life is good and I am happy.
I'm just thinking too much.

etch-a-sketch.

i had too much fun drawing this.

crazy love.

fills me with gust.

Just in case.

In life, I've come to notice that whenever people see another person ask for money, they tend to walk the other way. Seeing someone dirty, who clearly hasn't had a shower in days with a cardboard sign asking for money is kinda scary. Another argument is that these people don't deserve money. They really are just the bums they appear to be, not bothering at all to get off their butts and get a job. Whatever the excuse, people choose one and allow their prejudice to take over. And in all honesty, I am sometimes guilty of being one of them.

But most of the time, or whenever I can, I think to myself... What if that was Jesus? That probably sounds lame of me, but true. I can't help but think, if that was Jesus begging me for money, I wouldn't just give the couple dollar bills in my wallet, I would want to give Him everything I owned. So just in case that person sitting on the side of the road asking for money is Him, I like to think it wouldn't really hurt for my wallet to be a few dollars lighter.

food photography.

i think the best thing about food photography is being able to eat your wonderful piece of art afterward.

vampire cousin.

i have conquered you!
and your evil ways.

your presence always seemed to linger,
didn't it?
you constantly posed as a threat
to me,
to my happiness,
to my mere future.
even now when you're gone,
you still manage to.
and i don't like you for that.

i'm pretty sure you hated me.
you probably still do
as i type these very words.

i think of you
as a vampire.
or at least a cousin of one.
you suck the life out of people around you.
or maybe it's just your secret obsession with them
that you attempt to cover up
by mocking them with your other little friends.
but i know you.
you deceive people.
everyone.

i don't want to be your friend,
but i still hate that i hurt you.
it doesn't matter, does it?
you only choose carefully who you want to stay close to.
i wasn't one of those people.
i wasn't worth it.
makes me want to hurt you even more.

(i killed a mosquito in the bathroom like 12 minutes ago. this was to him. or her. i couldn't tell. i'm a little loopy right now. i don't want to do calculus homework anymore. curses. i hate vampires. except that one juno song! good song..random.)

The Things I Love when I see Love.

-Old couples past the age of 60 holding hands when they walk somewhere.
-People going on their routine walks together in the evenings.
-Two people who still manage to be fascinated with each other after 16 years of marriage.
-Little girls who give their 4th grade boyfriends pencil lead for Christmas.
-Cheesy moments meant only for the movies.
-Lyrics of a song.
-The love expressed in ways other than words.

Interpretation.

So apparently, many people have dreams that have to do with teeth falling out or suddenly crumbling or getting really crooked really easily.

I googled the meaning of such dreams. I'm really bored. Anyway according to dreammoods.com having dreams about teeth can show a potential anxiety about your appearance or how people perceive you. Or the whole "my teeth are falling out" dream can have a connection of being embarrassed or even the loss of power a person may fall victim to after losing said teeth.

Lame.

I am not satisfied with this.

Irrational Thinking.

I think I've come to realize that I don't often listen to reason as much as I probably should. You know when you're making a decision and everyone else in the world seems to be telling you to not do it, but you don't care and you just do it anyway? That's me. I don't listen to the voice of reason, whoever's voice it may be.

A lot of times as a kid, I would always brush aside some sort of wisdom shared with me by some older adult and simply do whatever it was that I wanted to do. Mostly because I was a stubborn little brat who didn't know how to take good advice when it came to her. Also because of the fact that I always wanted to go with what my gut said, just because it felt good to listen to it. And if my choice was the wrong choice in the end, I had to simply face the consequences and make the best of what I had.

I'm still like that today.

I think... even though there are a lot of amazing friends out there who give good advice when it comes to the rational reasoning in another person's life, when it comes to their own, they won't be so rational. I think a lot of us have this sense of being irrational within themselves. Don't hate me for saying this, but I think another word for it is hope. This irrationality that sometimes dwells within us is the hope that in the end, against all odds and what the rest of the world may foresee, maybe something can go our way. And if that's the case, I don't think I mind being irrational sometimes.

pet peeve.

when people spell "hi" like "hai."

why?? why must you do that? you're not five, and if the government has done it's job, then i'm pretty sure you must've learned a little something in the 13 years of school you were forced to go to. even my five year old niece knows better than that.

go back to school, fool.

[untitled.]

i want to sew again.
and sketch.
and clean my room.
and repaint my room!
and get better at knitting.
and play an instrument well.

and i don't like that i can never get myself inspired unless it's past 11 pm and i'm all sleepy. i'm all antsy inside.

passionfruit.

i never really did the whole "pursue your passions" thing. party because i don't think i ever really found something that i loved enough to call it a passion. mostly because whenever i found something that i kinda liked, for some stupid reason, i always thought that it was too late for me. i was never really able to let go of that mindset, strangely, even now.

but i do love that you shared your's with me today.
it wasn't boring, i promise.
i loved watching every minute of it.

dreaming. [what a lame title.]

i had the most wonderful dream last night.
though i only remember one single moment in that dream,
which in real life
would probably last a total of 20 seconds.

you know the feeling when you wake up from a dream,
and for a few seconds,
you think it's real?

i felt that this morning,
and realized what it was.
just a dream.

ramble ramble.

i wonder...
if it's this late at night
and my mind is so terribly unfocused,
will my words make sense?
or better yet,
can they actually sound pleasing to a 3rd party?

i found myself reading,
when my pencil should have been scribbling
numbers that make absolutely no sense to me.
i was lazy so i didn't read the blog from the beginning.
the furthest i got was last january.
tonight i read it from start to finish.
it scares me to know that i don't really know someone.
it scares me to know think of their life before me.
and mine before them.
only cause
it means there's a chance
that their life can go on without me
and mine without them.
i loved it and hated it
all at once.

i wish that writing hadn't stopped.
so my reading wouldn't have to stop either,
and not just because i don't want to return to calculus.
i can write all night
and avoid it all together!
i should be wearing my procrastinators tee.
what an ideal moment for it.

it's wandering...

i daresay, today was a wonderful day.
(actually it was yesterday.)
i was a kid again
while still allowed to do adult things,
like drive
or curse if i wished.
i did not.

i want to tell people who i feel.
if i'm scared of you, i'll tell you.
if i'm jealous of you, i'll tell you.
if i'm angry at you, i'll tell you.
if i'm fond of you, i'll tell you.
if i miss you, i'll tell you.
if i hate you, i'll tell you.
if i love you, i'll tell you.

i cannot.
most likely will not.
is it strange that telling someone you love them
is just as scary as telling someone you hate them?
if not scarier.
i wonder why that is.

i know.
it's putting yourself out there.
(or maybe..MAYBE
it's the fact that people don't really know what love is yet
and they use that phrase like it's nothing
without any real understanding.)
is it strange that the person
who you want to express your love to
should be the last person you're scared of sharing said feelings with?
i think so.
(i don't know what i'm talking about anymore.)

i've been trying to tell people for weeks
that they scare me
and that i miss them
and that i hate them.
(i really shouldn't hate.
resent? no..
uhmm. shoot.
frustrated with!
i am frustrated with you!!
better.)
i cannot.

you know what i hate?
how much freaking alliterations is ALWAYS in my writing.

it's wandering again...
oh, thoughts.
back to calculus.
never do i feel more like a chump,
than when i'm struggling in calculus.
curses.

“ Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

i heard this in church while sitting in church today and read it while looking through blogs today. i think Someone is trying to tell me something...

good company.

i had one of those moments yesterday, when i was sitting in the passenger seat on the way to huntington beach. it was one of those moments when i sorta zone out and feel as though my mind is just floating outside of my body, taking a look at my life in a totally different perspective. and i wonder how i managed to be so lucky. particularly with the person sitting next to me.

i've never done any great things in my life. i'm not the best conversationalist and i'm not particularly funny or anything close. i didn't deserve to be in such good company, not one bit. it was then i realized that life seemed too good to be true, so naturally something was out of place. the way things turned out seemed so very odd it. not a bad odd, just odd. odd that i managed to find someone so amazing, who apparently didn't mind being around me.

and then i wondered what life would be like if i were to run out of luck and i would lose such company. it worried me for a bit until i came back, mind no longer floating elsewhere. now very self conscious and unaware of how long i had zoned out, i decided to not question my luck anymore.

life was wonderful, and that's all that really mattered.

bipolar.

i've come to the conclusion that i'm bipolar with each day.

i looked at the world differently today. maybe because it was my last day at soak city, and i didn't really have anything to worry about. today was really long and really, really tiring. i'll miss the people i once dreaded being around. is that weird? but still, it's true. it was bittersweet. but sitting at the table with these people and laughing as hard as we did... making plans for the future after we've sorta gone on our own separate paths... it was nice.

i grew up a little more this summer thanks to them.

grand night.

"No, nothing in movies really exists... except love!" - Rachel Burley.

that made me laugh. a lot.

steps.

the way i see it, there are certain steps when it comes to a relationship. not just any kind of relationship, mind you, but the boy like girl kind of relationship. (then again, maybe it's just the steps to liking someone in that particular kind of liking sort of way.) i fully understand that they may not all follow these steps precisely or even at all. this is my interpretation of it all.

step one is actually talking to that person. now you may have talked to this person for years before and never really thought much about it, or this may be the first time you really talk to a person. you can speak to a person for a lifetime without really talking to them. anyway, in this first step you start to really get to know the other person, in ways you never really expected. you really begin to notice their existence, it's more obvious when they're around or worse, not around.

moving on, there's step 2. that's when you hang out, but it's the awkward kind of hanging out. not necessarily a bad awkward, but just awkward. it's the time when you're not quite sure of the other party feels the same way towards you or whether this is just you making an absolutely awful assumption. it's the time period when you think something might happen or it's just the beginning of nothing at all. it's during this time when you must be particularly careful of what you say. and every self conscious word is so obviously filled with this attempted wit, yet comes out as idiotic. this is the step where every encounter ends in that weird hug where you may think it's something special, when in actually may just be a hug between two friends. this is the uncertain step.

step 3! this is where the fun really begins, but unfortunately the confusion doesn't end. we call it the hand holding step. it's has quite the subtle, yet potentially very quick transition from step 2. you and your special friend are hanging out, in a group or on your very lonesome, and suddenly you realize that hands are being held. prior to the hand holding you may have simply thought about the robots attacking each other on the giant screen in front of you, or you might have been begging for this to happen, but only in your mind of course. anyway, that holding hand talks A LOT. it says 'hey, hi, how's it going? so here's the deal, i like you. and it's enough to want to hold your hand. now, this doesn't necessarily mean we're going out or we are now some form of an item, but it means i like you. and if you don't let go of me right away, it means you like me too. so if you'll let me, i'd like to hold your hand, and not let go for a very long time, or ever! ooh, that would be nice. oh, and don't mind the sweaty palms. i'm a little nervous." the beatles said it best.

finally comes step 4. you can probably guess what it is, the kiss. now i think i'll choose not to describe this step, mainly because it's so very different with each person. it can occur anytime, anywhere. in the middle of the street. in the rain. on a swing in the park. in your basement. under some mistletoe. on a rollercoaster. i don't know... anywhere! the media and novels have managed to describe this step on their own, so i shall refrain from attempting it. i'll just say one thing, this is the step where you manage to forget that the rest of the world exists because, in that one moment, now there's only one other person in the world that really seems to matters.

now there are most definitely more steps, but i'm choosing not to go on. i'll blame my sleepiness for that. keep in mind that i'm a very, bored teenage girl and that 98.6% of what i write is absolute nonsense. i'll probably delete this post out of shame within a few days. please don't judge me...

i think...

...over time people have come to the conclusion that if i'm quiet or don't speak much then there's something bothering me. i talk a lot. a lot more than any normal person probably should. so if i'm quiet, they make the incorrect assumption that something is wrong. i'm sad. or i'm angry. i like to watch people, especially people that i've just met. not talking is a time for me to really get to know other people, or just take in the world around me.

...i still fear other people's perceptions of me. i was once told that if people look at you in a certain manner then it might as well be true. there may be several arguments both for and against this statement. still, it makes sense. people see me is clingy or obnoxious or fake or irresponsible. and in my mind, i'm screaming louder than i've ever screamed before. in my mind, i want desperately to prove that i'm not the person they see me to be, though i know it to be impossible in the end.

...i'm absolutely horrible at confrontations.

...i want to roam around ikea.

...i want to repaint my room.

...i'm done typing for now since this is all nonsense.

but i know...
oh, i know...

...i'm the happiest i've been in a very long time.