I sorta miss life how it was a year ago. I think I was more ignorant of things then.

It's your birthday!

Ever since my 18th birthday, I always hated when people told me to be happy just because it was my birthday. Particularly because that was the year I lost my grandmother the night before.

Well, it most definitely feels like my birthday..
And, I am pretty happy.
I will be significantly happier once I am done writing this paper that is due at 3pm.



p.s. I still miss you, grandma. Especially yesterday. You were simply the best.

A little off.

"my stupid mouth
has got me in trouble
i said too much again"

Or maybe too little?



I am in a self deprecating mood tonight (In other words, I am emo tonight. This post will probably be gone by Tuesday). I want this December to just be done already. Who cares if it hasn't even started yet.

take another picture with your click, click, click, click camera.

Friend: Did you take pictures??
Me: Noo..
Friend: Booo!

This bummed me out a little. I hate when I get super excited for something and bring my camera with a fresh battery and memory card, ready to take way too many useless pictures.. only to end the night without a single image. If there's a next time, maybe I can get a picture or two.

I don't like seeing inflatable Santas on people's lawns and knowing that Jingle Bell rock is already playing on the radio before Thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong; Christmas songs are and will forever be some of my favorite songs to listen to. And I do admit, I have already thought of which songs I want on my play list for all of my December car rides. But rushing into it all.. I don't like it.

It's a pet peeve of mine, I suppose.

Okay, the end.

Thoughts from the Day

1. Stay up til 2am with a cold on its way, so I decided to sleep through Astronomy (I literally have a perfect score in the class anyway).
2. Turned in my Econ midterm and find out my only other class was canceled. Thought I'd be stuck sitting through 3 classes only to go one. Ideal, no?
3. Crazy craving for mac & cheese and some chicken noodle soup. Still do.
4. Not having traffic to and from school is AMAZING.
5. Watching tv with the right company is also really amazing.
6. Tina Fey is quite the clever one.
7. Even drinking apple juice hurts my throat. Sad. :(
8. It's cold.
9. Time to go fix up some dresses! (Let's go somewhere and dress up!)

Make you feel my love..

"When the rain is blowing in your face and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love."

Is it weird that this song makes me want to cry when I hear it, but still makes me really happy? Probably.. Thank you, Bob Dylan.

Thoughts from Sunday

.. that I never got around to posting.

I think from all the people I've met in my life, it's a good 50/50 when it comes to their opinions on rain. I know it's has gloomy colors and ruins your suede shoes and people are significantly more dangerous on the roads. But past all of that, there's just this magic behind rain.

When you're walking in the rain and you're freezing.. The shoes you are wearing are now soaked to the soles and your messy hair is everywhere, and make up is nonexistent. And you finally get out of it feeling damp, like a mess of vulnerability. Yet when you find someone who still cares for you behind this mess that stands before them and still pull you in for a hug, it's just amazing.

Plus the following add to its awesomeness:
walking through puddles in rain boots
practically no lines at Disneyland
the sound of raindrops on the rooftop of your car
snuggling up with hot cocoa
snogging in the rain. (haha just kidding.. maybe. The Notebook!)



Today was probably the most amazing weather Southern California has had in a while. The morning was so very crisp and the San Bernadino Mountains looked amazing. But I am very much excited for a rainy season ahead.

Current Psyche.

-My own hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me. It frustrates me. And I never really let myself change, I partly don't think I can and also just don't want to. I need to work harder on being a better person. I honestly don't remember the last time I bothered trying to improve myself. Selfish, really. But mostly laziness.

-I am tired. Not just because I got used to going to sleep before 11 the past 2 nights. I'm just tired of each day. I'm bored already.

-Definitely not looking forward to Thursday. Cause Thursday is a school day. It's like my old Wednesdays for me. The same way Tuesdays are my new Mondays. There is only one good thing about my Tuesdays and Thursdays and that usually only lasts an hour, if that. If I could make myself not care about responsibilities, I would make that good thing last the rest of the day. That would be nice.

-The one thought that stuck out to me at work today was that I need a vacation. A long one. Haha, like that will happen.

-I sound awfully pessimistic, don't I? I'm not unhappy. Don't for a minute think that. I am just very, very tired and so it's just dominating my writing.

Okay.. goodnight, world.

You talk of how the world is unfair,
never gives you what you want,
and takes you for granted.

But you never really saw
how you could hurt the rest of the world.

You forgave some
and still hated others.
But did you ever notice
that the ones you forgave, apparently hurt you
and the ones you hated, you continually hurt?

I watched it all
but looked away.

I can only listen for so long,
and help so much
before it all takes its toll.

You always thought that no one would understand that
taken-for-granted-hurt you felt.

I do.

The hurtful world has so much left to learn.
So do you, friend.

(I may or may not dramatize things. Okay, I dramatize a lot, but still.. )

Romanticized.

Today in English, we read a short story about a girl who just romanticized everything she saw in life and how it was sad that she was unable to see the sad reality that lay right in front of her. And then my professor went on to say, "Well, if you think about it, all of you romanticize your own lives. Not just with love, but you romanticize you, as a person. You all think you're smart and mature now with great relationships. Take another look and maybe you'll see just how romanticized everything is." What. the. eff.

Well, he's right. I romanticize a lot about my life.
And I'm okay with that.

If I weren't so tired and hungry, I would attempt to write some nice, romanticized prose about all of this. But I won't.

All of my nothings

"Okay so there's this scene in Winnie the Pooh, where Christopher Robin tells Pooh that he is growing up and isn't gonna do nothing any more. And Pooh is confused and Christopher Robin says something along the lines of .. "it's like when an adult asks you what you're going to do today, and you so 'Oh, nothing' and then you go out and do it." That's sorta my definition of nothing. I always read that and wonder if I ever grew up because I still do that to this day.

It's like .. when you had a rough week and when the weekend finally comes around you just sleep in and watch your favorite tv shows all day. And some people sorta think, "You're such a bum sitting around doing nothing all day!" But doing that is actually something so very important to me cause it's time for me to relax and rest. Basically my overall meaning was that what may appear as nothing to the outside world actually has a lot of meaning and importance to me. And in my blog, I attempt to convey its importance so others may possibly understand as well.

Do not fret. I thank God each day for all of the amazing gifts He has provided me. Particularly for the wonderful clouds that make the sky so beautiful lately.."

Current Psyche

a. My posture is horrid. I must attempt to fix, though I already know how this will turn out.
b. I get sad whenever I see my broken watch, but haven't had time to fix it.
c. Class tomorrow = sad Kimly.
d. Quiero un lens.
e. I miss getting all fancy smancy and going somewhere and just taking pictures for fun.
f. Griffith Observatory! My astronomy teacher made me want to go. Someone take me.
h. I am a petty, stubborn person. I'll work on being better tomorrow..
i. 16 months is a really long time.. just saying.
j. 79 degrees tomorrow. :(
k. The sunset today made me really happy.
l. Suffering from separation anxiety. (I am a needy person.)
m. Why the heck am I awake typing this?

Current Psyche

1. It's hot. All I want to do is wear fall clothes and be able to snuggle in a blanket while I watch tv.
2. I have no motivation to do anything. It scares me.
3. The fact that my friends are very far is taking its toll on me again.
4. Maroon 5 is gooood stuff.
5. I lied about my weight in order to be able to donate blood today and still didn't show up to my appointment. I suck.
6. Tomorrow is gonna be hot too, huh?
7. Bumming it on the couch feels good. It was much needed.
8. I still need to brush my teeth.
9. The idea of having some people around is still too good to be true.

I want so badly to believe

...that there is truth and love is real.

He asked the room if there was anyone who considered themselves a romantic at all. I raised my hand, without a single ounce of hesitation, looked around and realized my hand stood alone amongst an empty space. And every song and poem analyzed spoke of people following the orthodox teachings of romanticized living who find some tragic ending. The classmates themselves spoke only in the idea that romance was dead and a true romantic did not exist. He was a fake, at best.

Well, world, I argue otherwise. It may not be in opening the door of a girl every time she gets in the car or serenading with sweet melodies, but it does exist. Maybe it's all of the girly chick flicks I've seen in my days or possibly the hopeless romantic side of me. But I do believe that true romantics do exist, along with finding your true loves and happily ever afters.. If I were to change my mind simply because the rest of the world apparently believes so, then I wouldn't really be me then, I suppose.

I hope romantics never give up.

Come back.

I always wonder if it's ever too late to rectify relationships. Some people find closure, some people accept the losses and some people think they move on. I've thought that I moved on so many times, only to find myself angry and hurt and frustrated all over again. And I've to come to the point where it's just seems too late for some things.

I guess I would just like to believe that life can prove me wrong.

Watch the Sky

Pardon me if I'm not myself.
I'm hiding, you see.
I'm finding distractions
in everything
and everyone.

It's what you do
when you cannot run

All I want to do
is look up and watch the sky,
but it just hurts
from the glare of the sun.

So at night,
take me out,
and we can have some fun.

Lay by my side,
hold my hand if you'd like
and all of my problems will be undone.

Getting lost in the stars,
there's no more need to run.

All I want to do is watch the sky.



(Astronomy class is having its effects on me. He just kept telling us to watch the sky. Then I just kept singing to myself.)

Material World.

This is probably my favorite look book that Ruche has had so far. The number of outfits I would love to have and all of the accessories and shoes and just the cute coats and cardigans. Makes me excited for fall and just cold weather clothes in general. Never mind the fact that I also spent many hours working on the descriptions and names of the a good number of the stuff. (Click here to get to the site.)

God works in mysterious ways.

I hurt tonight...

A poem I like?

Picking Cherries

The ladder quakes and sways under me, old wood
I put too much faith in, like ancestors strained.
You circle me, cradling the baby, sun glittering
in your face, parading through the leaves, glad.
If I looked down I would see your calm fear, see
in your narrowed eyes my bones chipped, useless.
The bucket hangs from my belt, pulling obscenely
at my pants, but the cherries drop in and grow
one by one. I keep reaching higher than I need
because I want the one that tickles your tongue.
When I come down we will both be older, slower,
but what of that? Haven't we loved this climbing?
If the ladder gives way I still believe I can
catch one branch, drop the bucket and ease down.

You may or may not know that I am not a huge fan of poems. I hated studying them in high school and now that I am studying them again, I am not the happiest person in the world. But alas, I have found one that actually makes me happy to read. So I figured I would blog about it. This way, when I'm looking back at my writings a year or two from now, or maybe next week, I can rediscover this poem and fall in love with it again.

Quote

"Sometimes I wonder how my wife reconciles loving this wandering mess that is me. The unspoken fear of so many artists is the discovery of true love. Not the kind of love that burns hard and fast, but the kind that smolders with no end and wouldn't let you go if you tried. I can't speak for all writers, but I know I speak for many when I say that it is a secret fear amongst us that with this smoldering comes the death of an atomic dream. New love is easy art. In the stirring of discovery poetry grows from seed to sunlight in short blistering days. In the light of the unknown the mystery of another makes anything seem possible. In love we are reborn in a frenzied blaze of hyper existence. In the dissolution of love we are blown to pieces. Some pieces we collect in the fallout of moving on and others we leave behind; thumb tacks on the great maps of our personal histories, showing us all the places that we have been." - Andrew McMahon

Sigh..

My eyes hurt from staring at a screen too long. My fingers hurt because they have no strength in them at all for the strings. & my head just hurts because it hurts..

I miss people a lot
and feel particularly antsy for tomorrow
even though I don't even have plans.
I must see someone, anyone.
I've been starving for a conversation..

And that is my 15.34 seconds of emo-ness for the day. Now for something cute!



I must recreate these.
Rachel Om, if you were still home, I would tell you to make these with me. And I already have chocolate icing in the fridge, begging to be used. It's like fate..

Birthday Wishes..

James Hance has some amazing art work where he does little twists on pop culture, including cartoons and t-shirts. This one in particular is a wonderful combination of my youth, Winnie the Pooh and Star Wars. I know it's bad to be materialistic and such, but holy cow, this is so awesome and cute! Eek!

I'll be one happy camper if I can someday collect all three. (I was in Ruche mode with that description up there.)

Untitled.

Yesterday I:
-got to my first day of school an hour before my potential class even started.
-saw girls dressed up, looking like they were gonna go clubbing.
-realized the hard way that 12 hour days at school means having to pack a lunch AND dinner.
-also realized that 12 hour days leads to major wardrobe issues (cold in the morning & nights but super hot during the day)
-wished it was my first day of first grade rather than my second year of college.
-remembered how much I despise poems.
-danced in the street and had faces made at me.
-KNOCKED OUT the moment I got home.

Highlight: dancing in the street.

Untitled.

I keep dreaming of this future that would be incredibly ideal and maybe a bit too perfect. And I find myself getting exciting for the years to come and seeing what new adventures we'll someday come across along the way. But suddenly, it stops.

I force myself to not think such things. Stop having imaginations of my own kind of fairytale fantasies and such. Because I must remember to live in today.

Don't worry so much about the future and tomorrow, and just appreciate today.

And today, you make me happy.

California dreamin.

I had a dream the other night
where I had to fight.

It scared me
and frustrated me
and angered me.

But in the end I won.
And you chose me.

And as I woke up,
still in a somewhat unconscious state
I couldn't help but smile.

All of the unhappy feelings
from above
just disappeared.
Replaced utter bliss.
How lucky was I
to have you choose me in my dreams?

It took me about 4.6 seconds
to realize that you also chose me in real life.

Who would've thought
that I could have you
as my dream come true?

Thank you.

I had one of the moments again. One of those is-this-really-happening?-my-God-I'm-lucky kinds of moments. Where all of your responsibilities no longer exist, and you want to focus on the now that will come to an end far too soon. And practically the whole time you're only thinking two things: "Gosh, I'm so damn happy." and "I wonder if I can keep things just like this forever.."

I think the best thing about it is that if you were to give a play by play of the moment to any other person, they wouldn't think much of it. Anyone in the world could have had a similar experience and not given it a second thought, but for you, there was something just plain wonderful about it. But that's what makes it so great. No one else in the world may ever really appreciate it as much as you. It's yours.

You know those quotes that say something along the lines of, "It's the simple things in life that make it all worth living." That moment when I probably should have been driving home and getting ready for bed made life worth living.

Thanks for the moment I'll remember forever.

Marley.

I laid down in bed ready to sleep, but felt this sudden need to talk to someone. But looking at the clock, I knew full well that no one would respond to any messages. And suddenly I felt my eyes fill up with tears, as they wanted to all day. It was like this bubble had burst and everything just kept pouring out, all of my complaints, worries, everything. I found myself talking to Someone I hadn't talked to in a while. And Fr. Matt's voice pops into my head singing, "don't worry about a thing, cause everything little thing is gonna be all right." (Yeah, my priest sang Bob Marley in church last Sunday.)

And I knew that everything really would be all right. I was sad still, and could've used a really long hug, but yeah... everything's gonna be all right.

Thank You for listening.

:)

Dear You,

Will you even read this? I'm not sure.. I feel like writing to you anyway. Right now I'm in the process of finishing up my take home philosophy final which finishes up my first year of college. It doesn't feel like some exciting memorable moment or anything. I just want to be done, so I can free my mind of some responsibilities for a while. I remember sitting around with you and talking about me going off to college and how I was so indecisive on what I want to do or what I want to major in. And honestly, I haven't changed. If anything, I'm at a greater loss more than ever before.

I feel very disconnected with the world right now. I mean.. life is good. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with it right now. I find me frustrated with such little things, but it always hits me hard for some reason. I'm always trying to find someone who will listen to me and help me figure out what I'm supposed to do. But I don't want people to be there for me just because I'm having a rough few days or because I'm asking them to be there for me. I want them to want to care enough to listen, not feel obligated to. I miss when we actually held real conversations because I didn't doubt that you just wanted to listen. I'm finding that to be rare with people.. Or maybe it's not rare and some part of me is pushing people away. I don't know.. maybe I'm forcing you to listen by writing this, and therefore I'm contradicting what I just said.

I'm just typing nonsense right now. I should get back to my philosophy final.

I miss talking to you. You feel so far away.

Sincerely,
Me.

Current Psyche.

It was good seeing people again yesterday.
Really, really good.
I missed people
a lot more than I had realized.
Even the ones I was never really close to.
Texting once a week
and seeing each other once ever 3 months
is not enough
at all.

I am freakin sleepy still.
I have a lot of work I should be catching up on.
Maybe I'll go to church at 630 instead.

I do enjoy your company
a lot more than you realize,
even if you wouldnt eat sorbets with me.

self-deprecating

I'm in one of those moods. Where you wake up not feeling so great, but you try to just ignore it. And you just try to get through the day and your mind just keeps wandering. You think about the people who were once so close but managed to walk away from your life. And then names of people who are still in your life keep popping up, but in the back of your mind you know that you're losing them too. You've already felt a part of you pushing them away and you're physically and mentally just too tired to make an effort to keep them close.

And throughout the day, little things that normally wouldn't bother you just keep pestering you. You're suddenly very aware of all of your flaws. Insecurities about the future make everything worse. And that voice in your head telling you that you don't even have a right to feeling this way doesn't help. So by the end of it all, you just feel like dirt.

Yeah.. one of those moods.
Tomorrow will be better though.
Hopefully.

Bright side: I finally went running again, and my room is the cleanest it's been in months, potentially even years.

Fond.

I like those moments when you're hiking.. and you're ahead of the rest of your group so it's just you. There are no other voices that are around to drown out the sound of your footsteps. Until you realize that it's your footsteps that are drowning out another noise. You stop. Look around and at just stare at this vast field of long grass and wild yellow flowers that surround you. (And if anyone really knows you, they know what a sucker you are for practically any yellow flower.)

At that moment, you hear the ever so quiet rustling of a grass and the sound of the ocean waves below. It's one of those sounds that you don't ever really think about but really, you only have the chance to hear maybe once or twice a year. They're rare. It's moments like this...

The Lord is Risen! Alleluia, alleluia!!

This is probably one of my favorite holidays. Not simply because it means that I will no longer have to watch what I eat every Friday or because I can finally get back what I've given up over the last forty days. I just tend to get really sad around Good Friday and Lent in general.

And Easter is just a time to start all over. It's a way to let go of all of the bad ish that you've been struggling with and frustrated with. Because your life is so much better than you realize. And even though it may not seem like it now, you have so much that should make you smile the goofiest smile ever. You get a chance to start all over and focus on the good stuff.

God is good stuff.

Life's box.

Think everything you own, specially all of the things in sprawled about in your room. It can be laying on the ground or sitting on the highest shelf of your closet. Now imagine that someone tells you that you must leave soon, and you can only bring so much stuff. The most important stuff. You look around and think of the main necessities: clothes, books, shoes, bed, computer, guitar, uke. But you take a look around and realize there's still a lot of stuff left: old cds, more books, boxes of pictures, frames of pictures, art projects from elementary school, your graduation gown from high school, 12 years of yearbooks. And all of this stuff isn't just sitting together in nice little piles for you to just pick up and take with you. It's scattered, and soon the thoughts in your brain are as well.

So you grab that box on the top shelf of the closet and you just start going through it. Then another box, and then another. And soon you look around you and realize that while you were trying to organize all of your stuff, you managed to do a really nice job at turning your room into a mess.

You start to categorize stuff and just stick them in boxes. Childhood knick knacks. Stuffed animals. High school essays and projects. Craft supplies. Clothes. Books. Pictures. Etc. And through all of this, you know some stuff must go, but everything has some memory of some sort. That's why you wanted to keep it in the first place. What are you supposed to do? You don't want to just let go of everything because letting go means forgetting and forgetting means losing the memories that you wanted so much to hold on to. And keeping one thing while throwing away another just makes you feel as though some things or people were just more important than others. What are you supposed to do?

How do people manage to find what's most important to them, throw them in a box, and just start all over?

I'm finding it hard to choose what to put in my life's boxes.

Spur of the Moment.

I wonder what the world would be life it everyone just acted on their feelings the moment it came about. People often tell others to calm down and just take to cool off when angry or to think things over when it comes to feelings of love. But what would happen if that never happened?

At first, I just thought that there would be a lot of fighting going on. People would be punching each other constantly and grudges would be held. Relationships would just be destroyed, and all love in the world would cease to exist.

BUT, that was just me thinking about what would happen if people simply acted on their feelings of anger. If people acted on their feelings of love, maybe they wouldn't be so scared to tell each other how they felt. Maybe they would apologize sooner and things could be better. Maybe you'd just see the world making a better effort to help one another out. Maybe people would just hug A LOT. Maybe grudges wouldn't be held on to for so long after all. Maybe things could be different.

Tonight is another night of what if's.

In case I haven't said it lately...

Thank you for hanging out with me, even though it usually just consists of us sitting in one of our cars and talking about random things. Thank you for not taking any crap from me and keeping me grounded. Thank you for saying the most perfect things at random moments. Thank you for not being annoyed at all of my constant text messages. Thank you for your constant willingness to be there for me the moments I just want to cry. Thank you for the wonderful memories you let me share with you in less than a year and for making me excited for the ones that have yet to happen. Thank you for being weird and making me laugh and helping me realize that I'm not the only weird one in our relationship. Thank you for making me smile, a lot. Thank you for not pulling away when all I want to do is just hug you and never let go.

Thank you for just being around in my life.
You really do not understand how much it means to me.

Options.

There's comes a point in life, when you start to wonder whether or not you should let go of someone or keep holding on. My choice was to keep holding on, hoping for something that may never happen. It meant that when I looked back I would have no regrets, and maybe she will want to come back. Be a friend again.

I know I've made my mistakes. I've made my apologies, and offered to be there if needed. I looked back on our history and found some wonderful memories and a wonderful person. I always wanted some kind of sign to help me make a better decision as to what I should do, to show me if there was ever any chance that things could get better.

Tonight I got my sign. Tears were shed in the past and the hurt always lingered. It probably still will, but tonight, I think it's time to let go.

Either choice hurts, but here's hoping this choice hurts less.

OK GO.

I've had those days and weeks when I've felt alone or just sick of dealing with life. And there have been moments when I turned to my friends to just vent. It wasn't necessarily asking for some kind of advice to fix the problems I had, but just to know that when life was rough, someone out there would listen to me or just have me for who I am.

And what I remember most of all was finding myself frustrated when I kept hearing, "It's gonna be okay!" I didn't want to hear that. I knew that when I would look at what appeared to be a crappy life six months from then, I would most likely be okay. But I didn't care about six months from then or even a week from that moment. I cared about that moment. I wanted this magical, immediate sense of happiness that I knew very well would not happen.

And so, whenever I see a friend going through a rough patch in their life, I refrain from saying that phrase that made me cringe so much. I hope they can understand that it's not because I am choosing to not be encouraging at the moment or optimistic. I just know that I cannot fully put myself in their shoes in times of unhappiness, but I sure can try.

So don't hate me for being hypocritical right now.. but, friend, it really will be okay. Life may not seem ideal for quite some time, and even then things may not seem to turn out as you had hoped. But everything is gonna be OH-kay.

Chin up, chum.

Money Makes the World Go Round.

This is probably going to sound incredibly unwise and irresponsible of me to say, but I'm tired of saving up money for the future. I feel like a fool for working so hard since the age of 16 and somehow managing to spend the majority of it away in a rather frivolous fashion on things I cannot remember. Clothes, eating out, movies. I know it's been spent in good times and though I cannot remember specific movies, I do have fun memories with friends. And I know I'm hypocritical since I just spent 8 dollars on Captain Crcuh, box of 12 Special K bars and frozen strawberries (I broke the whole "no shopping when you're hungry" rule). It's either that or big chunks of my money disappears on boring things like tuition, gas, or textbooks. But overall, I feel like there's no way for me to be financially comfortable with my future while still being able to enjoy it.

And I'm getting that itch again, mainly because of my world geography class. My professor's been everywhere and he's barely 35. I want to go places and see the amazing cultures that I keep reading about in my textbook. I want to go places without feeling bad about spending so much money on a trip. I'm tired of listening to people say that I have the rest of my life to travel and go places. I've seen far too many people say that and spend years and years of their lives going to school and working and having families and saying "Oh well, too late."

I don't mind working hard to earn the money I receive. But more recently, I've seen me just saving money and seeing it get spent on things that I don't even have the chance to enjoy. I know practically any talk of money is always sort of a touchy topic, but seriously, being responsible and saving up money for educational future and such is making be bitter.

But don't think this means I'll suddenly start going and crazy vacations and stuff. The responsible side of me has almost always hindered my fun. Possibly rightfully so. I'm just thinking more lately..

What good is it to save up money to survive when you're not really living?

For the smiles.

These weeks have felt rough.
And I saw myself holding on to grudges
and feeling bitter,
and constantly frustrated.

But today I did not worry.
I thought nothing of the negatives,
only about what was around me
in the moment.
Nothing and no one could pull my thoughts away
no matter how hard they tried.

For today I felt safe
and so very happy.

Today reminded me
that I have a lot of good in my life,
a lot to make me smile.
I have you to make me smile.

I think I need to focus on that more.

Thanks for the smiles.

God is Love. (pt. 2)

More recently I've noticed, in listening to people or in my readings, the idea of God being love. I don't know why, but I don't think it ever really struck me until now.

I remember as a kid, a popular question for religion class was, "What is the greatest gift that God has given you?" And the kids would say things like family, friends, their house, have a meal each day, chocolate (I'm craving some right now), or their new toy they got. I know now what I would say if asked that question today. The ability to love.

There's just so many types of love and so many ways you can show it to others. Jesus said, "Love one another as I have loved you." Many books tell people not to give their love out so easily when it comes to relationships. Love is amazing and brings so much happiness, yet can be confusing at times. Then again, so is God. I have no doubt about the love I have for my family and have managed to love complete strangers, like the nun I saw walking down the street every morning since kindergarten. Yet, I've found myself feeling rather vulnerable when I wanted to tell someone I love them. It was probably one of the scariest, while also one of the happiest moments thus far in life. Strange, is it not?

(I wonder if it's bad that I don't say it as much as I think it. A part of me believes that if the thought ever crosses your mind, you say it. Every time, even if it happens 20 times in a day. To everyone. Family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends. Yet another part if doesn't want to say it so much because it seems to lose its meaning like it has in the past. But rather, I want to show it through actions.)

Anyway, love is big. But it tends to make me feel small at times. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." I feel small when I think of the magnitude of that kind of love.

And just think. Without God, I could never experience that nervous, excited, happy feeling which is, in fact, love. It's beautiful really.. when you love somebody.



This post probably seems weird to most people. It's me rambling mostly. I sort of just wrote whatever came to mind, and nothing really flows together well. And considering how late it is, it'll probably seem even more weird when I read this over in the morning. I dunno... it's just my thoughts I suppose.

God is Love. (pt. 1)

"In today's hard times, you sort of lose faith in God. And when you lose God, you lose love." - Deacon Jerry

Do you ever have one of those days when you just aren't in the best mood? There's a lot in your life you aren't happy about and you don't really have much control over anything. I mean... there's still a lot you have to be happy about, but you're choosing not to allow them to be the main focus on your mind. That and you don't really care. And all throughout the day a part of you is sort of just hating the world until your emotions build up, and you hear one thing that makes you want to just let it all out.

It's amazing, really, how God just sets me up for all of this. Over the years, I've noticed a lot of people around me stopped going to church because they question the importance of it, especially when it comes to the Catholic Church. Everything is very structured. Our responses are phrases we've come to memorize and have seemed to lose its meaning. People argue that going to a Catholic church has no sincerity behind the prayers when the priest reads out of a book so much. Sure, their arguments may be valid. But it's moments like these, when I'm not having the most amazing day and God draws me in, that make going to church so very worth it.

Maybe it was just the horrible headache I had from today or the stress from life in general that made me tear up when I heard the deacon today. But I think it was because I realized there was something else I was losing.

Cept this is something I have control over. I'll work better to keep Him.

Boy, I'm in a bad mood tonight..

Edit: And I now I know that fun. won't be at Bamboozle. Bummer.

Nyquil sucks.

All I wanted to do was take some Nyquil and knock out until 7 tomorrow. After a disgusting mouthful of it and less than 4 hours of sleep, I am already awake again.




I just want sleep.
I'm sorry if I am grumpy.

I am simply the worst person in the world when I don't get it.

Hey, it's the 26th of January.

Do you ever find yourself sitting around with your friend (or group of them) and not a single word is exchanged? And in all that time while you're just sitting there, you're still feeling quite happy with everything. Sure it may not be the most exciting moment you could potentially have and probably won't seem like it would be the most memorable to anyone else. But you are happy, so what else really matters?

That's the thing. Just being around you makes me really happy, even if we aren't going on some cool adventure through the zoo or at the beach. I was cursed with a default look of boredom. So often, when people see my default look they automatically think I am bored or unhappy, but I most likely am not. I like to people-watch and sorta take in the world around me. And in those moments, I am usually not talkative and my default look comes around. But yeah.. that's just how my face is. It sounds strange, I know.

You should know that with you, I am always happy. (Unless we somehow manged to have a real fight.)

Throw in some paper and a box of crayons and life couldn't be better.

Go back.

Since I'm not fully satisfied with what I am writing tonight, I will just say this..

See blog entry from July 4th, 2009.

Remember...

...when the tips of my hair barely touched the bottom of my ears?
...when I would listen to the RENT soundtrack nearly every day and somehow manage to quote a song in a blog entry?
...when chick flicks made me a hopeless romantic and I constantly hoped it would be me one day?
...when my favorite toy was my little Canon Powershot?
...when I was actually decent when it came to volleyball?
...when I would blog practically every day, sometime multiple times?
...when I still wore glasses and had braces?
...when I knit??
...when we always walked to Walgreens to buy food and just pig out?
...when we would take naps after school and nothing else?
...when the park always one of our most popular places to hang out?

I am being nostalgic when I really should be sleeping. (I blame you, Athena.) Looking back, I remembered some of the happiest, most wonderful times in my youth. It makes me want to jump on the bandwagon and gather up all of my old pictures that made me so very happy and put them together in one place.

But the thing is.. I am also in love with my present life.
While I may look back and find a lot of good times in the past, I don't think I would want to go back. I love my now. Everything and everyone in my now. I am a fortunate person, living a very wonderful life.

I am happy.
& life is good.

Life is hard, but life is good.

(I do not care if you get sick of hearing this because you will continue to hear it from me a lot. I think it became my motto in life at one point..)

Rough Week.

The roughest.
I thought I would handle this better,
but clearly I cannot.

In actuality
I would love very much to run away.
But again,
I cannot.

I feel rather weak.
Helpless mostly.
And I am unsatisfied with the little help I can provide.
I should be able to do more.

In actuality, I am hindering myself
by wanting to forget.

I want to sleep,
but I cannot.

Unlike my usual problem,
I am not overthinking.
If anything,
I am not thinking enough.

I want to talk,
but I keep running out of words.
I want to scream,
but that's just not right.

I feel helpless.
Things change so quickly.

Rough week...

Remember.

Life is hard, but life is good.




I feel as though I am asking You for the impossible.
But if anyone can help me, it's You.

List Contents.

I sat down and made a list,
and it was a lot longer than thirteen.
But you're not allowed to read it.
And neither is the rest of the world.
It's growing...

I felt really bad
when I couldn't think of the list on the spot.
I remember people saying
it should be easy to think of its contents
right away.
It's not for me.
I'm sorry.
I hope that doesn't trouble you.

It shouldn't,
and I will give my justification as to why.

I may not be able to think of the list
off the top of my head.
But when the moment comes,
I know it.
I feel it.
And in the moments,
I just want to scream it to the rest of the world.
Or at least to you.
But that would probably hurt your ears,
so I usually choose to refrain.

And..
while the list's contents may take a while to think of,
I have no doubt of what it all leads to.

You make me happy
in a way no one else can make me happy.



Vague writings that probably turned out to not be so vague after all..

Rats live on no evil star.

Today reminded me how much I love my life.

Thus far each day of 2010 has been awesome. Never mind the fact that only two days have gone by. It's been good. Two perfect days is better than none, so I'll take it. Thank You, God. Today would never have happened if it weren't for You.

Random:
I have good people. I think (besides the hermits that live on their own and do their own thing) people, for the most part, just need people. You have your people to get you through the day. People to hang out with. People to talk to. People to have listen to you. People to listen to. People to work with. People need people. And when you don't have those people, you sorta feel lost in the world. And you're looking for this something that seems a little hard to find.

Well, I have people. Not just any kind of people. I have good people.
In case I haven't said it lately... thank you, People.

Happy Palindrome Day! (01/02/2010)

PS. I was off. My palindrome had something to do with a mouse and the moon. The real one had rats and no evil star. Sigh...

Typical New Year's Rambles.

I think it's very nice to note that yesterday was the first New Year's Eve (maybe ever) in which I had no real regrets looking back. It was the first year in which I didn't have to look back and feel unaccomplished in some way.

Instead I can look back and see that I've found my group of friends who I can rely on for anything, in moments of laughter or tears. Some who have been there for the last 13 years, others for the last 7 months. I hiked mountains for the first time, but certainly not the last. I graduated from high school and finished my first semester of college. I somehow fell in love with my summer job and finally learned to feel comfortable in my own shoes. I spent 6 rather rough days in the Grand Canyon, yet managed to enjoy it enough to want to go back next summer. I fell for this pretty cool kid I like to brag about. When it comes to family... there is not a single bit of doubt in my mind that we love each other and will always be there for one another. What more can I ask for? When it comes to God, He's given me far more than I deserve and is my constant backbone. Even in the moments when I sadly forget that He's there.

I had plans to see the world this past year, or at least Europe. Clearly that didn't follow through. My life isn't very exciting or all that interesting to anyone else. But in the end, I suppose it doesn't really matter.

Above all else, I am happy.

PS. I shall refrain from any New Year's Resolutions because it would be the exact same list as last year's. Exactly. I still have some work left..