antsy.

can't sleeeeeep.
there's rarely ever a christmas eve where i can.


do you ever come across a moment where should make a wish...
at 11:11.
or on a shooting star.
or when a penny is tossed into a fountain.
or with birthday candles.

but you're so happy, you find that you don't need a wish.
life is too good.
(it's very dumbledore-like in harry potter.)


you make me that happy.

man, it's late.

i've come to the conclusion that no matter how hard life seems or how many times i question myself as a person, i am lucky.

random.

1. my room tends to be cleaner during times when i have tests because i usually choose to clean as a form of procrastination.
2. blogging is another form of procrastination.
3. as healthy as it may be for me and as much as i've tried to drink it, i don't like tea.
4. giving presents to people is the funnest thing EVER.
5. shopping for them is also fun.
6. i don't know when this change occured within me, but i fear i've grown rather materialistic and have grown to really, really enjoy shopping.
7. i think it's dangerous and should probably try to quit.
8. calculus and i will NEVER be friends.
9. chemistry is just my enemy.
10. i LOVE the rain. i could walk around in it for hours at a time. it's just so much fun to jump around in puddles and feel five again.
11. sadly, i don't own enough warm clothes for this frightfully cold weather.
12. tonight made me miss volleyball.
13. one of my worst flaws is that i never finish reading the majority of the books i come across.
14. my ability to focus is greatly lacking.
15. i'm pretty bad when it comes to planning events.

9 heartaches.

there are nine times when your heart hurts. there's the time when you're frightfully nervous for what's to come, whether it be a performance in front of a big audience or your first day at a new job. your heart pounds harder than normal and your trembling hands seem to be noticeable to all. there's the time when it physically hurts because you ate too much fried chicken for dinner that night and heartburn decides to kick in. there's the time when a numbing feeling in your left arm follows the pain in your heart. i suggest calling 911 in this case. there's the time right after you've sprinted a hundred meters, far too fast for your own good. there's my personal favorite when you think of that one person who's mere existence makes life seem that much better. the one who seems to occupy your first thoughts as you wake each morning and the last of them each night. this is a physical pain in your heart, but it's a good kind of hurt. it makes you realize that you really aren't dreaming, and you sorta wish it lasted just a few seconds longer. there's the time when you're so disappointed, your heart seems to sink and somehow finds itself in your stomach. there's the time when you feel so heartbroken, your heart seems split in two and you find yourself looking for tape or glue to put it back together. without some form of mending, your heart feels dysfunctional and would only work with gallons of ice cream in you. there's the time when you're so excited the adrenaline in you makes your heart beat three times too fast for it's own good. you've found something good in life and you find yourself wanting more. and finally, there's the worst time. the one when you lose something so dear to you that your heart becomes strange to you. it beats as normal to remind you that you're still living, yet feels rather like a rock in your chest that you just want to be rid of. it's the one where you know life won't quite be the same, yet its continual beats tell you that you must move on, though how long it will take is not quite clear.

no matter what kind of heartache you feel, one solution that seems to always work is time. impatience may seem like your shadow, but still, time really does help.

i'm ready...

to celebrate my birthday. so i'm a tad bit late...

so, friends, life will be life. through tearful moments and the ones full of hugs. life will be life. i'm grateful to friends who have stood by me in times when all i wanted was to be alone. i'm grateful to Him for giving me the wonderful people who support me and the strength i need to get through the day. i'm grateful to him for being the first happy birthday text. i'm grateful to her for being understanding. i'm grateful to him being there for me to go first when nothing could come but tears. i'm grateful to her for bringing me starbucks and a hug late at night. i'm grateful to him for making me WANT to celebrate my birthday again. i'm grateful to her for still being there for me even when it seems we are so far apart. i'm grateful to him for reminding me that i really am stronger than i think that that life will be okay. i'm grateful to him for making me laugh again, something only he could do today.

life will be life. i have a pretty big group of people who will help get me through it.

well done.

"sometimes i don't understand why i thought that i had all the time in the world to go and see you awhile for just a little while.

too caught up in my own life, i didn't see the pain you hid with a smile. and now you're not here with me. shoulda been, coulda been, woulda been, alright...

wish i knew how to turn back the hands of time, cause maybe then i'd be here by your side. wish that i had done just a little more. wish that i could see you one more time, but i know that God holds your life. your battle is finally won and he said well done. my faithful servant, well done.

too many times in our lives do we take things for granted. i don't understand it, no. when its right in front of our eyes thinking they would be here for all times.

wish i knew how to turn back the hands of time, cause maybe then i'd be here by your side. wish that i had done just a little more. wish that i could see you one more time, but i know that God holds your life. your battle is finally won and he said well done. my faithful servant, well done."

dear grandma, well done.

"smile, kimly. it's your birthday."

if someone had walked up to me years ago and told me that the last few hours of my childhood would also be the most miserable ones of it, i would've called them a damn liar and a thief. i would've been wrong.

i lied when i said i was just tired or getting sick...

countdown.

there are nine days left of my childhood. it doesn't feel like it... i'm not particularly excited. or sad. in like three days i'll get all moody and nostalgic and ish. people won't want to be around me, but they'll put up with my anyway cause they're friends. and that's what friends are for... (thanks for putting up with me.)

"how old are you?"
"umm...18"
weird.

ps. i still don't know why i wore an a feather on my head like an indian for my birthday ...
pss. i had the cooest haircut EVER.

somewhat.

[19:06] theoneknowitall: you're reasonably cool

best compliment EVER.

charlie v. lucy

it's like you think i'm lucy and you're charlie brown. and the football is tempting you. and history told charlie brown that he shouldn't kick that stupid ball, but he somehow believes lucy everytime and lands on his arse. i'm not lucy.

even you said pirates never give up. and i'll be damned if this pirate gives up on us.

rain fall.

this is the best possible sound for me at 12 45 am. someone told me that i seem like the type of person to like rain. i love love love it. there are puddles to be splashed in...

i miss...

i miss my youth. i miss my elementary school friends. i miss watching animaniacs every afternoon. i miss my stuffed animals that kept me company at the foot of my bed every night. i miss innocence. i miss getting rewarded for reading my harry potter books. i miss the lack of responsibility. i miss going to my aunt's every year for thanksgiving. i miss my uncle. i miss the feeling of security. i miss covering the driveway with chalk scribbles. i miss not having to worry about future. i miss not having to think about money issues. i miss eating pizza rolls for lunch almost every day. i miss my old lunch box. i miss getting amazing grades. i miss recess. i miss walking around with my old friends and just talking for what felt like eternity when in actuality it was less than fifteen minutes. i miss when we would walk everywhere instead of relying on the automobile. i miss not knowing how mean man can be. i miss being naive about stuff. i miss how the perfect love story was defined by cinderella. i miss when our only homework was to color. i miss what felt so comfortable. i miss when my whole family still lived at home. i miss you. i miss flying half way across the country every summer. i miss my old white walls that i would secretly doodle on. i miss the innocent imagination i once had. i miss the carefree childhood. i miss reading winnie the pooh and doctor seuss before bed instead of my government textbook. i miss what i thought you and i could be.

i wonder.

what life would be like if the only form of affection was through hugs. would you give more and just share it with the world or less and savor each one to make it that much more special?

best.

nothing can ever match this. nothing.

mistake.

"Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway." - How I Met Your Mother.

Some people may disagree, but here goes...

Kid tries to tie shoe laces.
Kid makes one too many loops.
Kid is confused but doesn't want to ask for help.
Kid is left with nothing but a huge knot.
Kid learns.
Kid tries again.

In life there are times when you know you are just making the worst decisions ever, and yet, you continue with your actions, knowing that you may someday regret it years later. Heck, you may even regret it the following week. So why do you make that mistake in the first place? Why do people put themselves into situations, when a part of them knows that they will mostly not like the outcomes?

My whole life, I've over thought practically every major decision in my life, even the little ones. The constant fear of what the outcome may be has held be back, as I constantly worried that things won't go as planned. It was, in some ways, the safe route. It was, in more ways, the stupid route. To hold back from what you really want, is to lie to yourself. A person can live an entire lifetime without ever fulfilling their dreams in order to have that safer, more guaranteed life. But at what expense? Sure, things may turn out all right for them. But what if it doesn't?

Kids, there comes in a time in your life when you find yourself making what may be the biggest decision of your life. And if you know, deep down inside, you heart is telling you to go down a path which may ultimately be a mistake, turn your brain off. Just turn your brain off and listen to your heart. It's best friends with your gut. In the end, it may be a mistake, but at least you can look back on life without any "what if's." You make that mistake, learn from it, and go on with your life. Sometimes, you gotta make that mistake.

all you need is love.

i wonder...if the words "i love you" can be said too much. or maybe too soon? now i know the beatles were right in saying that all you need is love, but how do you know if it's real or not? i do believe that the words can be used too much. it's been built up in songs and movies to the point where people may think they understand what it's like to love someone. and it is not their fault or necessarily a bad thing. i just think people love the idea of having that one special person in their life more than the person themself, not that i'm saying this love is fake. but love cannot happen overnight. as much as a hopeless romantic i may be, i do not believe in love at first sight. but above all things i do believe in love. in certain situations, i believe the words used far too liberally, yet in this hateful world we've come to know, the words are not said enough. i'm contradicting myself... i don't know how to explain it.

BUT
i do believe in love.

i believe in love for God. i believe in love for parents. i believe in love for siblings. i believe in love for friends. i believe in love for dogs or cats or turtles. i believe in love for music. i believe in love for a stranger. i believe in love for that one other person. i believe in love for food. i believe in the love people write songs about. i believe in the love supposedly only found in movie. i believe in the fumbling over the right words kind of love. i believe in the everlasting love. i believe in the 'i-love-you-so-i-must-let-you-go' love. i believe in the uncertainty of love. i believe in excitement of love and the simple joy of love. i believe in heartbreaking love. i believe in young love and old. above all things i believe in love.

infinite playlist.

1. your song - elton john
2. sunday morning - maroon 5
3. oh, it is love - hellogoodbye
4. hands down - dashboard confessional
5. i just want you - aj rafael
6. greatest story ever told - oliver james
7. all you need is love - the beatles
8. lemonade - passion
9. gentlemen don't - gabe bondoc
10. i'm yours - jason mraz
11. your eyes - rent
12. everything - michael buble
13. the way you look tonight - frank sinatra
14. can't help falling in love - elvis presley
15. more than anyone - gavin degraw
16. anyone else but you - moldy peaches
17. all my life - kci & jojo
18. more than words - extreme
19. you are the sunshine of my life - stevie wonder
20. this is promise you - nsync

there's more... i just can't think right now.
guaranteed.

i feel it in my fingers.

the holidays are coming! thanksgiving. birthday. christmas. as much as i love summer freedom, i truly do love this time of year. there's something different about it. there's a sense of together-ness in it all. it's nice to go back to watching the same holiday movie favorites. and snuggling up under a freakishly thick layer of blankets with creepy toe socks. and drinking hot cocoa. making wishlists and shopping lists for your favorite people. wearing layers upon layers of clothes to stay warm and during the freezing walks to school. scarves and gloves. pigging out and making pretty cookies. giving hugs with the hope of retaining some body heat. i daresay this is the most wonderful time of the year..

smiles!

pirates never give up.

johnny and capt. gillian.

current psyche.

1. life hasn't been nice to me lately.
2. but i'm happy. very, very happy.
3. thin book, LONG read.
4. sleep. sleep. sleep.
5. one more week! good and bad.
6. trick or treat.
7. JASON MRAZ. concert!
8. walk with buddies.
9. drive.

recognize.

so many moons ago, i had to take tests on what was most important to me, such as family or health or money or a good career. and on that list was also recognition. me being me, i honestly never thought of recognition as being a major factor on that list. it seemed too selfish.

but life has continued, and i realized recognition really is up there for me, no matter how selfish that may make me appear. i've gone through life never really being the best at what i do. or even good enough to possibly stand out in the crowd. so there it is... i just lived life sort of in the shadow, whether it was in school, at work, or in volleyball. and i thought was okay with that this whole time, but really, it sorta eats you up inside. you want to know that your actions have made a difference somehow. and there have been times in life when i did not feel that. mark twain was right when he said he could go three months on a good compliment. a little recognition for what i've done in life goes a long way, and lately it's hard to find any of it with all of my nostaligic thinking and questioning over what the hell i've done with my life before i graduate.

sometimes it's rather nice to know your existence means something to someone out there. that you've made a difference in some way or another.

you make me feel.

...giddy when you used to tell me how much you liked my eyes.
...safe when you surround me with your hug.
...grateful when you constantly stand by my side no matter what.
...nostalgic when you remind me of how thing used to be.
...scared when you tell me about your amazing future and remind my lack of one.
...excited when you talk of europe.
...happy when you smile at me.
...recognized when you compliment me for the first time.
...hurt when you lie to me.
...amused when you go along with my silly ways.
...frustrated when you fail to simply let things go and make the best of things.
...annoyed when you don't let me go.
...hopeful when you believe in me.
...guilty when you have so much faith in me and i have none.
...talented when you're so amazed at my work.
...loved when you take care of me.
...lucky when you are simply you and remind of how much i have in my life.

gone.

you've been gone for almost three years and two days. and there are days that go by when i forgot that you've left. there are days when i don't remember. those days are easier to be honest. i don't cry on those days. but tonight i remember you so clearly. it feels like yesterday you rang the doorbell. i saw your hat and recognized you right away. you almost always had some little knick knack to give me. i didn't appreciate it enough. but i kept it anyway. i'm sorry i didn't appreciate back then.

i'm sorry i never told you how much i loved you. i'm sorry you won't be there on my graduation to take my picture like you said you would. i'm sorry that we took your life for granted. it was a beautiful one.

lights.

"You know what I love about airplane flights? When the plane is getting ready for landing and through the window, you see millions and millions of lights: street lights, house lights, car lights, building lights. Yeah you can talk about air pollution but it's a beautiful thing. For every light you see, someone is there. That's our civilization you see. It's like a person is standing there with a torch." - Min Lee.

piggy back.

when she was first born, she couldn't walk yet,
so her mom carried her home from the hospital.
when she was two, she still couldn't swim,
so big brother held her close all the way to the deep end.
when she was three, she wanted to grow taller faster,
so her daddy carried her on his shoulders.
when she was six, school was still too far for her short legs
so mom drove her every morning.

life seemed simple, until her mom said,
"you can't expect us to carry you forever.
you need to learn to live on your own."
so she took her own first steps.
but soon, life grew difficult.
& she was scared to ask for help.
until she felt herself being carried once again.
and heard his voice say,
"sometimes it's okay to get a piggyback ride now and again."

forever.

hugs.

just right.

hmmkimlysthinkin: i have my first behind the wheel this week..
anvoanvoanvoanvo: excited?
hmmkimlysthinkin: nervous.
hmmkimlysthinkin: it'll calm me down before sats hopefully
anvoanvoanvoanvo: oh well thats good
anvoanvoanvoanvo: just remember that driving can be fun
anvoanvoanvoanvo: and that people have a good chance of surviving if you do hit them
hmmkimlysthinkin: hhahaha
hmmkimlysthinkin: thanks so much
anvoanvoanvoanvo: np ma'am

have you ever known someone who always seemed to know just the right things to say? whenever you were sad. or hurt. or happy. or confused. or angry. or stressed. hang on to those people. they're rare. and worth a million "friends" who are there just to hang out and have fun.

Whatif

Whatif by Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

cool stuff.

senior sunrise.

these are the best times of our lives. carpe diem.

better than that.

i'm tired of letting people's words get the better of me.
i know i've learned.
some people's words just aren't worth the hurt.
i'm better than that.
i know i'm better than that.

but sometimes... i feel that i'm not.
and i let them take some form of control over me.
to let me, for a moment, think that i'm a screw up.
to let me question myself. and my abilities.

i'm better than that.
i know i'm better than that.

i'm good at what i do.
i just tend to forget this sometimes...