titles and lasts.

it makes me sad that it hasn't fully hit me that this is the beginning of all my lasts when it comes to high school. last high school rally tomorrow. last high school dance this saturday. last high school baseball game i'll see on friday. last chances to hang with my friends and the people i've come to love over these last six years. it's all too surreal that it doesn't feel real.

i never even really felt like a senior this year. as though, i'm gonna wake up two years younger any day now. the "title" never made me feel any more mature or any wiser or any more responsible. being a senior was always just a title for me. it never once defined me.

it's saddening.
and scary.
and just weird.

haha, i don't know how i feel right now.
i'm just babbling.

profound.

i wish i had something wise to ponder about or something incredibly profound to write about. but i do not.

when i'm happy, i have less to write about.
and less to think about.

because i'm just living in the moment.
and nothing else matters.

luck.

i really am lucky and grateful for all of the people in my life. especially the ones i've taken for granted. i do not deserve having them around.

para sarah.

:]

dear friend,

i wish only that i could say the right things and do the right things to make you smile. not one fake little smile at the stupid things i'm saying in my attempts to make you laugh. but a smile to show that you are truly happy and nothing could ever bring you down again.

i'm bad at it though.
i'm sorry.

sincerely,
kimly pv.

what is love?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails...." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

okay, okay. i admit that a part of me wants this recited at my wedding even though it has become incredibly cliche over the years and the rest of this post may very well change the interpretation of it. but heck, i don't care. it's pretty.

so long people have wondered what love is. i do. i know i've found it in my family and my friends. in new people i've met and the ones i lost. but still, there are moments throughout the day when i wonder if i truly understand love.

go back and replace each "love" with "God."
it's totally different.
but it works.

what is love?
God is love.

4U E DYD.

i saw the most interesting license plate today. i don't know why, but they manage to stand out to me.

can you imagine spending your whole life only to love someone else? how do you put someone else before yourself when they only manage to hurt you in one way or another? could you put aside all of your selfish thoughts and even your own happiness to make someone else happy? can you simply brush it off when someone who said things so cruel, it seemed to bring an all time low to your life at that moment? would you even want to forgive someone who never manages to forgive you, but only resents you and all that you do? if the moment came, would you be willing to die for the ones you love, even if they don't seem to love you back? do other people really appreciate you JUST the way you are?

i ask a lot of questions lately...
i hate being away from the place and people who give me answers.

"for you, He died."

wonder.

i still wonder about the boy who committed suicide on our school's field over six years ago and whether anyone still remembers (though class of 09 is the only class left who was there at the time). i still wonder about my first crush back in kindergarten and what the heck he is doing with his life these days. i still wonder if people can take me seriously or if they still see me as some timid littler girl who cannot manage to socialize. i still wonder whether or not he even cares anymore. i still wonder how my outlook on school and life would be if i had gone to a different school. i still wonder whether or not i made the right choices, and whether or not i'm making the right ones now. i still wonder whether i'm that friend in the group that people secretly hate and complain about when not around. i still wonder if she knew just how much i loved her and how i wished to simply take her pain away before she died.i still wonder what would have happened if i had told them how i felt years ago and whether or not our relationship would be different. i still wonder what happened to amelia earheart. i still wonder if crushes or infatuations really lead to any good. i still wonder if people will remember who i am ten years from now, and whether or not they will care. i still wonder if people can manage to forgive after months or years of being hurt.

life is hard, but life is good.

if someone had walked up to me four months ago and asked me to describe my life at this very moment, it probably wouldn't have been anywhere close to the way it is today (i love my run on sentences). even though life may not be exactly how i expected it, i'm still pretty happy. scratch that. i'm really happy. :]

this is the part where i would probably attempt some philosophical insight on how life can turn out okay even though you never believed it could. and how some people were right about me all along, though i was still right at the same time. and there were definitely times when i overreacted. but ... i think i'll choose to watch house instead.

life is good.

guard.

lifeguard. coast guard. point guard. rash guard. guard dog. crossing guard. security guard. body guard. national guard. shooting guard.

it's kinda feels nice to let your guard down a little once in a while...



so the american red cross called me asking me to go in and donate blood. it feels a little different when i decide to go out and donate on my own compared to when they're asking me for my blood. is it bad that i turned them down just cause i'm busy? it is...

grudge

n. : a feeling of ill will or resentment
v. : to give or permit with reluctance

i wonder how long you can hold a grudge against someone. but then i guess that depends on how terribly they treated you. i admit to holding many grudges. and today i've seen grudges that were born years ago, that i still hold inside me today. i also discovered my ability to let go of some as well. to just forget it, and remember that what's in the past is where it is. the past. why continue to let that get to you?

and then there's the time when you grudge through life when times are rough. and you sorta just deal with life in the most negative way possible. it's just felt like a waste of time, in all honesty.

i know i'm human. therefore, i'm far from perfect. i do hold grudges that i may keep with me for years. i also tend to be pessimistic. but if i try hard enough, i believe i can change for the better.
takes time.

talks.

i love the awkward talks. the conversations you have with someone you're first getting to really know. i mean, you may know of them, but it's those talks in which you first start to learn about the person. your talks with your closer friends are different because you're already so comfortable that you can sound stupid and it won't matter. but these awkward ones matter. they're the ones where you have to be incredibly careful with everything you say, cause first impressions really do make a difference. and you don't want to be the one looking like an idiot. the awkwardness may be incredibly subtle, or it may be totally out there. but you still look forward to them. cause they're fun.

you're careful.
and nervous.
and happy.
and just weird...

cause making new friends is kinda scary. but exciting.
cause you suddenly realize that there's still a whole world out there ready to be discovered. in everything, not just people.

hug!

little did you know how much it meant to be when you walked up to me with open arms, ready for a hug, and asked me if i was doing okay since i didn't look happy for a couple weeks. it was the first time we talked in a long time, and still, you never miss a thing.

there really are people out there who make the world a better place...

09 sunshine.

i never looked forward to senior year. not really. i was never as excited as everyone else to be the one of the upperclassmen. to, in some strange possible way, be supposedly looked up to by the little ones. whenever i look at all of the other senior classes in the past, they seemed so.. mature. everything was easy for them.

i still don't feel like a senior.

it wasn't easy for me this year.
it wasn't typical either.

it wasn't the senior year people told me it would be. i'm not excited to graduate. i'm not excited for college, not really. i'm not nostalgic or particularly frustrated with being treated like children. i do want to leave certain people behind, but i also want to hold on to those who took care of me and made me feel safe. it's different...

haha, but i do feel very much like a small, immature high schooler for writing this.

no where else to go.

i know i've written about this so much before. i guess the idea of it has always been a big part of my life. i've always let fear dictate my actions. somehow i would attempt to avoid such fears turning into realities, yet i would screw up in the process? and all at once, every fear that dominated my mind came true. some people just had bad timing proving my fear was right. other times it was me bringing it upon myself.

though my mind has blown up the last few weeks into something much worse than it actually is, life has more recently felt as though it's reached it's lowest. any effort i put into anything would mean absolutely nothing at all. words never seemed so empty. life was a lie. drastic, no?

but still, with that outlook on life in mind, it was like nothing could get any worse. the only way to go was up. and i looked at my life. with all the good. and with all the bad.

it's not that bad.
not ideal.
but not that bad.


a part of me will always want what i lost back. it will always be a part of me. and there will be times when i miss it terribly. but i'm okay.
it surprised me how okay i could be.

halt!

i can't help but think...

"the moment you leave high school, it's just gonna hit you in the face. you've grown so dependent on this romanticized idea of growing up in high school and maturing in how you look at life, in how you learn to love, in how you deal with the sh** you must someday go through. but you won't survive. not if you keep this mindset on how life works, in that immature way you look at things. you think you're wise now and you're gaining wisdom in the classrooms at school and your other friends? you know nothing. he was right. you may know about stuff, but you know nothing. it's fine. you'll fall. you'll fall a lot. but you'll get back up and learn. i can't wait for you to learn of the mistakes you've made. you deserve that shame you feel when you do realize it. but even worse, i pity you for all of the mistakes you won't ever learn from. cause the stubborn side of you will always think you are right. while the raw, cruel human side of me hopes you fall so hard and struggle so that you'll finally realize your mistakes, i do, with all my heart, wish you the best in life, full of joy, love, and laughter. good luck in life. you'll need it."

"lies."

so i was in my friends car on my way back to school, when i saw an old man with a beard holding a giant sign that just said something along the lines of "don't listen to the lies." "God doesn't accept you the way you are." and i got pretty angry at first. and then incredibly sad at the idea that anyone could ever feel this way...

He's my best friend.
i'll always have Him.