California dreamin.

I had a dream the other night
where I had to fight.

It scared me
and frustrated me
and angered me.

But in the end I won.
And you chose me.

And as I woke up,
still in a somewhat unconscious state
I couldn't help but smile.

All of the unhappy feelings
from above
just disappeared.
Replaced utter bliss.
How lucky was I
to have you choose me in my dreams?

It took me about 4.6 seconds
to realize that you also chose me in real life.

Who would've thought
that I could have you
as my dream come true?

Thank you.

I had one of the moments again. One of those is-this-really-happening?-my-God-I'm-lucky kinds of moments. Where all of your responsibilities no longer exist, and you want to focus on the now that will come to an end far too soon. And practically the whole time you're only thinking two things: "Gosh, I'm so damn happy." and "I wonder if I can keep things just like this forever.."

I think the best thing about it is that if you were to give a play by play of the moment to any other person, they wouldn't think much of it. Anyone in the world could have had a similar experience and not given it a second thought, but for you, there was something just plain wonderful about it. But that's what makes it so great. No one else in the world may ever really appreciate it as much as you. It's yours.

You know those quotes that say something along the lines of, "It's the simple things in life that make it all worth living." That moment when I probably should have been driving home and getting ready for bed made life worth living.

Thanks for the moment I'll remember forever.

Marley.

I laid down in bed ready to sleep, but felt this sudden need to talk to someone. But looking at the clock, I knew full well that no one would respond to any messages. And suddenly I felt my eyes fill up with tears, as they wanted to all day. It was like this bubble had burst and everything just kept pouring out, all of my complaints, worries, everything. I found myself talking to Someone I hadn't talked to in a while. And Fr. Matt's voice pops into my head singing, "don't worry about a thing, cause everything little thing is gonna be all right." (Yeah, my priest sang Bob Marley in church last Sunday.)

And I knew that everything really would be all right. I was sad still, and could've used a really long hug, but yeah... everything's gonna be all right.

Thank You for listening.

:)

Dear You,

Will you even read this? I'm not sure.. I feel like writing to you anyway. Right now I'm in the process of finishing up my take home philosophy final which finishes up my first year of college. It doesn't feel like some exciting memorable moment or anything. I just want to be done, so I can free my mind of some responsibilities for a while. I remember sitting around with you and talking about me going off to college and how I was so indecisive on what I want to do or what I want to major in. And honestly, I haven't changed. If anything, I'm at a greater loss more than ever before.

I feel very disconnected with the world right now. I mean.. life is good. I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with it right now. I find me frustrated with such little things, but it always hits me hard for some reason. I'm always trying to find someone who will listen to me and help me figure out what I'm supposed to do. But I don't want people to be there for me just because I'm having a rough few days or because I'm asking them to be there for me. I want them to want to care enough to listen, not feel obligated to. I miss when we actually held real conversations because I didn't doubt that you just wanted to listen. I'm finding that to be rare with people.. Or maybe it's not rare and some part of me is pushing people away. I don't know.. maybe I'm forcing you to listen by writing this, and therefore I'm contradicting what I just said.

I'm just typing nonsense right now. I should get back to my philosophy final.

I miss talking to you. You feel so far away.

Sincerely,
Me.

Current Psyche.

It was good seeing people again yesterday.
Really, really good.
I missed people
a lot more than I had realized.
Even the ones I was never really close to.
Texting once a week
and seeing each other once ever 3 months
is not enough
at all.

I am freakin sleepy still.
I have a lot of work I should be catching up on.
Maybe I'll go to church at 630 instead.

I do enjoy your company
a lot more than you realize,
even if you wouldnt eat sorbets with me.

self-deprecating

I'm in one of those moods. Where you wake up not feeling so great, but you try to just ignore it. And you just try to get through the day and your mind just keeps wandering. You think about the people who were once so close but managed to walk away from your life. And then names of people who are still in your life keep popping up, but in the back of your mind you know that you're losing them too. You've already felt a part of you pushing them away and you're physically and mentally just too tired to make an effort to keep them close.

And throughout the day, little things that normally wouldn't bother you just keep pestering you. You're suddenly very aware of all of your flaws. Insecurities about the future make everything worse. And that voice in your head telling you that you don't even have a right to feeling this way doesn't help. So by the end of it all, you just feel like dirt.

Yeah.. one of those moods.
Tomorrow will be better though.
Hopefully.

Bright side: I finally went running again, and my room is the cleanest it's been in months, potentially even years.

Fond.

I like those moments when you're hiking.. and you're ahead of the rest of your group so it's just you. There are no other voices that are around to drown out the sound of your footsteps. Until you realize that it's your footsteps that are drowning out another noise. You stop. Look around and at just stare at this vast field of long grass and wild yellow flowers that surround you. (And if anyone really knows you, they know what a sucker you are for practically any yellow flower.)

At that moment, you hear the ever so quiet rustling of a grass and the sound of the ocean waves below. It's one of those sounds that you don't ever really think about but really, you only have the chance to hear maybe once or twice a year. They're rare. It's moments like this...

The Lord is Risen! Alleluia, alleluia!!

This is probably one of my favorite holidays. Not simply because it means that I will no longer have to watch what I eat every Friday or because I can finally get back what I've given up over the last forty days. I just tend to get really sad around Good Friday and Lent in general.

And Easter is just a time to start all over. It's a way to let go of all of the bad ish that you've been struggling with and frustrated with. Because your life is so much better than you realize. And even though it may not seem like it now, you have so much that should make you smile the goofiest smile ever. You get a chance to start all over and focus on the good stuff.

God is good stuff.

Life's box.

Think everything you own, specially all of the things in sprawled about in your room. It can be laying on the ground or sitting on the highest shelf of your closet. Now imagine that someone tells you that you must leave soon, and you can only bring so much stuff. The most important stuff. You look around and think of the main necessities: clothes, books, shoes, bed, computer, guitar, uke. But you take a look around and realize there's still a lot of stuff left: old cds, more books, boxes of pictures, frames of pictures, art projects from elementary school, your graduation gown from high school, 12 years of yearbooks. And all of this stuff isn't just sitting together in nice little piles for you to just pick up and take with you. It's scattered, and soon the thoughts in your brain are as well.

So you grab that box on the top shelf of the closet and you just start going through it. Then another box, and then another. And soon you look around you and realize that while you were trying to organize all of your stuff, you managed to do a really nice job at turning your room into a mess.

You start to categorize stuff and just stick them in boxes. Childhood knick knacks. Stuffed animals. High school essays and projects. Craft supplies. Clothes. Books. Pictures. Etc. And through all of this, you know some stuff must go, but everything has some memory of some sort. That's why you wanted to keep it in the first place. What are you supposed to do? You don't want to just let go of everything because letting go means forgetting and forgetting means losing the memories that you wanted so much to hold on to. And keeping one thing while throwing away another just makes you feel as though some things or people were just more important than others. What are you supposed to do?

How do people manage to find what's most important to them, throw them in a box, and just start all over?

I'm finding it hard to choose what to put in my life's boxes.

Spur of the Moment.

I wonder what the world would be life it everyone just acted on their feelings the moment it came about. People often tell others to calm down and just take to cool off when angry or to think things over when it comes to feelings of love. But what would happen if that never happened?

At first, I just thought that there would be a lot of fighting going on. People would be punching each other constantly and grudges would be held. Relationships would just be destroyed, and all love in the world would cease to exist.

BUT, that was just me thinking about what would happen if people simply acted on their feelings of anger. If people acted on their feelings of love, maybe they wouldn't be so scared to tell each other how they felt. Maybe they would apologize sooner and things could be better. Maybe you'd just see the world making a better effort to help one another out. Maybe people would just hug A LOT. Maybe grudges wouldn't be held on to for so long after all. Maybe things could be different.

Tonight is another night of what if's.

In case I haven't said it lately...

Thank you for hanging out with me, even though it usually just consists of us sitting in one of our cars and talking about random things. Thank you for not taking any crap from me and keeping me grounded. Thank you for saying the most perfect things at random moments. Thank you for not being annoyed at all of my constant text messages. Thank you for your constant willingness to be there for me the moments I just want to cry. Thank you for the wonderful memories you let me share with you in less than a year and for making me excited for the ones that have yet to happen. Thank you for being weird and making me laugh and helping me realize that I'm not the only weird one in our relationship. Thank you for making me smile, a lot. Thank you for not pulling away when all I want to do is just hug you and never let go.

Thank you for just being around in my life.
You really do not understand how much it means to me.

Options.

There's comes a point in life, when you start to wonder whether or not you should let go of someone or keep holding on. My choice was to keep holding on, hoping for something that may never happen. It meant that when I looked back I would have no regrets, and maybe she will want to come back. Be a friend again.

I know I've made my mistakes. I've made my apologies, and offered to be there if needed. I looked back on our history and found some wonderful memories and a wonderful person. I always wanted some kind of sign to help me make a better decision as to what I should do, to show me if there was ever any chance that things could get better.

Tonight I got my sign. Tears were shed in the past and the hurt always lingered. It probably still will, but tonight, I think it's time to let go.

Either choice hurts, but here's hoping this choice hurts less.

OK GO.

I've had those days and weeks when I've felt alone or just sick of dealing with life. And there have been moments when I turned to my friends to just vent. It wasn't necessarily asking for some kind of advice to fix the problems I had, but just to know that when life was rough, someone out there would listen to me or just have me for who I am.

And what I remember most of all was finding myself frustrated when I kept hearing, "It's gonna be okay!" I didn't want to hear that. I knew that when I would look at what appeared to be a crappy life six months from then, I would most likely be okay. But I didn't care about six months from then or even a week from that moment. I cared about that moment. I wanted this magical, immediate sense of happiness that I knew very well would not happen.

And so, whenever I see a friend going through a rough patch in their life, I refrain from saying that phrase that made me cringe so much. I hope they can understand that it's not because I am choosing to not be encouraging at the moment or optimistic. I just know that I cannot fully put myself in their shoes in times of unhappiness, but I sure can try.

So don't hate me for being hypocritical right now.. but, friend, it really will be okay. Life may not seem ideal for quite some time, and even then things may not seem to turn out as you had hoped. But everything is gonna be OH-kay.

Chin up, chum.

Money Makes the World Go Round.

This is probably going to sound incredibly unwise and irresponsible of me to say, but I'm tired of saving up money for the future. I feel like a fool for working so hard since the age of 16 and somehow managing to spend the majority of it away in a rather frivolous fashion on things I cannot remember. Clothes, eating out, movies. I know it's been spent in good times and though I cannot remember specific movies, I do have fun memories with friends. And I know I'm hypocritical since I just spent 8 dollars on Captain Crcuh, box of 12 Special K bars and frozen strawberries (I broke the whole "no shopping when you're hungry" rule). It's either that or big chunks of my money disappears on boring things like tuition, gas, or textbooks. But overall, I feel like there's no way for me to be financially comfortable with my future while still being able to enjoy it.

And I'm getting that itch again, mainly because of my world geography class. My professor's been everywhere and he's barely 35. I want to go places and see the amazing cultures that I keep reading about in my textbook. I want to go places without feeling bad about spending so much money on a trip. I'm tired of listening to people say that I have the rest of my life to travel and go places. I've seen far too many people say that and spend years and years of their lives going to school and working and having families and saying "Oh well, too late."

I don't mind working hard to earn the money I receive. But more recently, I've seen me just saving money and seeing it get spent on things that I don't even have the chance to enjoy. I know practically any talk of money is always sort of a touchy topic, but seriously, being responsible and saving up money for educational future and such is making be bitter.

But don't think this means I'll suddenly start going and crazy vacations and stuff. The responsible side of me has almost always hindered my fun. Possibly rightfully so. I'm just thinking more lately..

What good is it to save up money to survive when you're not really living?

For the smiles.

These weeks have felt rough.
And I saw myself holding on to grudges
and feeling bitter,
and constantly frustrated.

But today I did not worry.
I thought nothing of the negatives,
only about what was around me
in the moment.
Nothing and no one could pull my thoughts away
no matter how hard they tried.

For today I felt safe
and so very happy.

Today reminded me
that I have a lot of good in my life,
a lot to make me smile.
I have you to make me smile.

I think I need to focus on that more.

Thanks for the smiles.

God is Love. (pt. 2)

More recently I've noticed, in listening to people or in my readings, the idea of God being love. I don't know why, but I don't think it ever really struck me until now.

I remember as a kid, a popular question for religion class was, "What is the greatest gift that God has given you?" And the kids would say things like family, friends, their house, have a meal each day, chocolate (I'm craving some right now), or their new toy they got. I know now what I would say if asked that question today. The ability to love.

There's just so many types of love and so many ways you can show it to others. Jesus said, "Love one another as I have loved you." Many books tell people not to give their love out so easily when it comes to relationships. Love is amazing and brings so much happiness, yet can be confusing at times. Then again, so is God. I have no doubt about the love I have for my family and have managed to love complete strangers, like the nun I saw walking down the street every morning since kindergarten. Yet, I've found myself feeling rather vulnerable when I wanted to tell someone I love them. It was probably one of the scariest, while also one of the happiest moments thus far in life. Strange, is it not?

(I wonder if it's bad that I don't say it as much as I think it. A part of me believes that if the thought ever crosses your mind, you say it. Every time, even if it happens 20 times in a day. To everyone. Family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends. Yet another part if doesn't want to say it so much because it seems to lose its meaning like it has in the past. But rather, I want to show it through actions.)

Anyway, love is big. But it tends to make me feel small at times. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." I feel small when I think of the magnitude of that kind of love.

And just think. Without God, I could never experience that nervous, excited, happy feeling which is, in fact, love. It's beautiful really.. when you love somebody.



This post probably seems weird to most people. It's me rambling mostly. I sort of just wrote whatever came to mind, and nothing really flows together well. And considering how late it is, it'll probably seem even more weird when I read this over in the morning. I dunno... it's just my thoughts I suppose.

God is Love. (pt. 1)

"In today's hard times, you sort of lose faith in God. And when you lose God, you lose love." - Deacon Jerry

Do you ever have one of those days when you just aren't in the best mood? There's a lot in your life you aren't happy about and you don't really have much control over anything. I mean... there's still a lot you have to be happy about, but you're choosing not to allow them to be the main focus on your mind. That and you don't really care. And all throughout the day a part of you is sort of just hating the world until your emotions build up, and you hear one thing that makes you want to just let it all out.

It's amazing, really, how God just sets me up for all of this. Over the years, I've noticed a lot of people around me stopped going to church because they question the importance of it, especially when it comes to the Catholic Church. Everything is very structured. Our responses are phrases we've come to memorize and have seemed to lose its meaning. People argue that going to a Catholic church has no sincerity behind the prayers when the priest reads out of a book so much. Sure, their arguments may be valid. But it's moments like these, when I'm not having the most amazing day and God draws me in, that make going to church so very worth it.

Maybe it was just the horrible headache I had from today or the stress from life in general that made me tear up when I heard the deacon today. But I think it was because I realized there was something else I was losing.

Cept this is something I have control over. I'll work better to keep Him.

Boy, I'm in a bad mood tonight..

Edit: And I now I know that fun. won't be at Bamboozle. Bummer.

Nyquil sucks.

All I wanted to do was take some Nyquil and knock out until 7 tomorrow. After a disgusting mouthful of it and less than 4 hours of sleep, I am already awake again.




I just want sleep.
I'm sorry if I am grumpy.

I am simply the worst person in the world when I don't get it.