your court.

so as i drove home, i thought to myself..
"i've done all i can. the ball is in your court. at least i know that i'll have no regrets."

i think that makes me very okay with how my life is. i told myself many, many times that i would live life with no regrets. carpe diem. c'est la vie. it wasn't until today, where i finally realized that i may very well be living up to my own word. i know there were a lot of mistakes i've made that should never have happened. i know there's a lot of things i should've done or should've said.

but more recently, i think i've found myself doing the things i want to do. and should do. and i've found that even though things may not go exactly my way, and people don't necessarily act the way i wish them to, at least i can know that i've done right by me and what i believe is to be right by them. to the best of my abilities. within reason.

this doesn't mean i've grown up.
or that i'm any less naive.

i think...
it means i'm still in the growing process.
i'm just becoming more aware.
less scared.

"i like moments like that... when you know there's still good in the world."

swim.

"you'd totally bang him if you could, wouldn't you?"
nooooo.

but no, really..
he makes tattoos awesome.
and playing the piano awesome.
and jumping on said piano even more awesome.

thank you for taking me back years and years to my youth which, in fact, wasn't so long ago. suddenly the hours of listening to the same songs play over and over again rushed back. i still recall the exact blog where i complained quite childishly (real word? doubt it.) about not being able to pick up and go to their concert. sept. 14, 2006. and i realized that i even blogged pictures of the tshirt i told you about, one of the first tshirts i ever made. still pretty childish of me.

i remember very well how impossible it felt to simply buy some tickets, grab my stuff, and go see my favorite band live. but you made it happen, didn't you?

i really had forgotten how much i loved hearing his voice and how much energy he put into all of his music. remember... we wanted to see him play months ago, but i do believe you invited me to a nonexistent concert. i barely knew you, but still, i hoped to myself that i could go with you.

it was a perfect night. thank you.

romantics.

so the way i see it, there are four types of romantics (quite possibly more, i just haven't figured them out yet).


#1. romantic number one is the hopeless romantic, which is, according to the rest of the world, the category that people say i fall into. this is the group of people who are the daydreamers. the ones that have watched the lame romantic movies and say aww whenever something remotely cute or romantic happens around them. they already know how they would like to be proposed to and the kinds who know exactly which type of flowers they would love to get whenever a situation warrants flowers. these people are the ones who have imagined every type of romantic scene possible for their future and know exactly which movie they would love their life to follow. though this person has imagined practically every romantic situation possible, they also have a taste of reality. they know that the likeliness of the movie love coming true is probably slim to none, but have hope that maybe they can be the exception and find it out there.


#2. the non-romantic. this is the person who knows that love exists and that love may sometimes call for a romantic gesture or two, but that's basically the extent of it. if there's any kind of word to describe this person, it would probably be practical. they know that love is awesome, but they know that it doesn't necessarily mean you have to call that special person just to say goodnight, and that anniversaries shouldn't be celebrated every month, especially since the mere term anniversary is defined as the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event. so to say happy one week anniversary or happy one month anniversary makes no sense in actuality. proposals don't require a knee or some amazing ring right away. they don't need a sunset in the background or hundreds of people watching at one time. the non-romantic fully understands the existence of love, just doesn't feel the need to exaggerate it or make it seem fluffy in any way.

#3. the cheesy romantic. annoys all that is around him or her. this person can deliver a line that would make anyone want to gag a little, or maybe just laugh a lot. they know just what to say and when to say it. they think to themselves what could be nice to say and what will make another person grin from ear to ear. this is the person that likes to leave messages for the other special person to find in the morning and the one who plans ahead. this person will give flowers just the for the sake of giving flowers and knows all of the ridiculously cute things that have been said in movies from casablanca to the notebook. sadly for the cheesy romantic, he or she can has the tendency to come off as being incredibly fake and even shallow almost. their acts seem only good enough for the movies, so when they happen in real life, it seems too good to the true for the outside world. know this, the cheesy romantics like to do what they do not simply to get another person in bed. oh, no. this person does it because like to see the smile one someone else's face. they love love and love being in love, or in like for the early stages. they deserve a great deal of appreciation when you think about all that they do. they are genuine at heart and mean every word they say.

#4. the romantic romantic. okay, in all honesty, i have no idea what the romantic romantic is really like. i don't know if he or she exists in movies, but i imagine they're something like this. the romantic romantic doesn't need no stinkin' movies or book to know romance. they create it themselves. rather than falling under certain standards of romance, they know what they want and they get it in their own way. they too, like the cheesy romantic, can deliver a good line, just far more subtly. they appreciate any sentimental memories or places that they may share with someone, but does not exaggerate it. in other words, they don't need to show the world how they feel. the care they show stays mainly between two people, as it should. they're sneaky and don't show their true selves right away. or so i'm guessing. i have yet to find out...


hehe, i like my paragraphs of nonsense. can you tell i miss writing?

things i learned today.

-just because five hours of sleep was enough to get me through a day of high school doesn't mean it can get me through a day of work in the summer.
-if it's almost 90 degrees outside, you really shouldn't walk around barefoot.
-you can break two wrists if you're running fast enough towards a solid, flat vertical surface otherwise known as a wall.
-thirteen year old boys are kinda, really annoying.
-life and conversations in tv are way more awesome than real life, particularly when it's in how i met your mother.
-you can do your best to be as helpful as possible but you won't always get recognition for it. to other people you're just doing what's expected of you.
-life sounds way more awesome in metaphor form.
-i really don't like me when i'm tan.

things you may not know.

1. i don't like driving. if i can avoid having to get behind the wheel, i will. unlike the rest of the teenage world, i didn't rush to get a license and a car right away. anyone who's sat in my passenger seat can tell you, without any hesitation, that i'm not good. i drive because i must get somewhere, not cause i want to.

2. even though i always tell people that i don't want kids, i know i will someday cause i secretly do. i'm just scared i'll be a bad parent. but i already know... two boys, one girl.

3. in my mind, i severely judge people who make obvious grammar mistakes. if you say "for free," any level of awesomeness you may have drops a notch or two. i have to really, really like you to overlook it and not let it drop.

4. i love getting mail. letters. packages. it's been about 7 months since i've actually received a real letter. but seriously, they could beat any perfectly worded text message or email any day.

5. i online shop. it's bad. 'nough said.

6. there are lots and lots of moments when i want to say, "this is a moment i want to ALWAYS remember. let's take pictures!" but the fear of looking like a fool kicks in, so i let the moment just pass me by. i take pictures of about 1/4 of the things i'd like to capture on film.

7. i really, really like to paint. i'm no good, and haven't done it in years. but i like it.

8. there are times, when i nap longer than i actually sleep at night.

9. i hear the disneyland fireworks at this VERY MOMENT. i wish so badly i could be watching them.



this was random and totally unnecessary.

with you,

i'll run away to the ends of the world.
but for now, let's hit up venice beach. :)

slip.

there are some people you can say absolutely anything to and not have to worry about the stupid things you say. there are others who you have to watch what you say around. but then there are those moments when you let something slip. and you sorta just gotta pretend like nothing ever happened. inside your head, you're screaming at yourself. why would you say that? don't be so careless. on the outside you attempt to play it off like you never said that at all.

and it actuality, you don't even know if saying those taboo words is even that taboo at all. but still...

i hate when i let things slip.

unimportant.

wake up, and it's already 11am. morning is practically gone and you're ready for lunch. you're waiting and waiting and waiting for a call, trying desperately to find something to do to pass the time. desperate enough to even clean your room. or start it, at least. finally you get the call and you wait some more.

hello.
shop.
food.
mix.
bake.
eat.
drive.
home.
visit.
talk.
sleep.

did that really happen?
is it possible for time to feel like it's going by too fast and too slow at the same time?
tuesday feels far.


i miss my old writing.

baggage.

i wonder..

people can forgive, but how often can they truly forget? i've made my mistakes and i've said my "i'm sorry's." i meant it when i told you how deeply sorry i was. i was aware of any pain i caused. i broke the promise of me finally being able to change for the better, for you.

you and i both watched as history repeated itself again and again.
"who's to say it won't happen again?"
no one.

i don't know if you could ever look past my mistakes. i wish so badly i could take away that baggage that will always hold this friendship back. all we can do in live in the now.

i had fun today.

foolish.

there are moments when life seems to hurt you in ways you never thought possible. there are mornings when you feel as though you just don't have the strength to get out of bed and face the terrible life you seem to be living. there are nights when you simply feel like crying yourself to sleep and wish only to wake up with a different reality. then there are the times when you look back at all of the mistakes you made at one point or another in your past and just laugh. sometimes that laughter takes only a few seconds, other times it may take months.

more recently, i've found myself looking back at the stupid mistakes i made and can't help but smile. i always feared the regret i would hold on to if i were to make any stupid mistakes. but with life being this good, there really is no need to regret. without the mistakes i've made and lessons i've learned, i would not be where i am today. i'd still be that naive, little girl searching for some kind of wisdom to make me more mature and give me a better outlook on life. when in reality, that shallow search for it is what held me back and forced me to keep that immaturity. i hid my foolish self behind what seemed to pass off as thoughtful prose.

though things may not necessarily be ideal, i'm pretty satisfied with life. i kinda like who i am. i'm living in the moment as best as i can.

the now is too good to spend it dwelling in the past.

"we're good together."