backseat laughter.

i haven't written in a while. i kinda miss it, but kinda don't. haven't really had time to think very much. life's been busy, but i don't mind. why am i awake right now?

life is pretty friggin good right now.
where's my bike??

where.

at about 6 am i sat on the basketball courts one last time and cried, in a rather pathetic fashion. suddenly everywhere i looked, some memory came rushing back. where the boy would play basketball practically every morning and subtly wave as i walked by. where portables once stood and i met the first friend i would make at this school. where we had our picnics practically every day at lunch. where we drove our cars up and watched a cartoon together one last time. where i would practice the sport i both loved and feared every day. where i watched a game in pjs my freshman year. where i learned to love. where i learned to hate. where i ran. where i played. where i wrote. where i listened. where i grew up.

i was never ready to leave.
i'm still not.

i know this isn't goodbye or necessarily an end.
i know the best is yet to come.

but still, i'll miss it.

realizations.

realizations come at random, different moments for different people. it can happen in car rides. it can happen when you stand in front of a mirror with your cap and gown on. it can happen when you look around and realize that you may never see the people sitting around you again. it can hit you when you look around and the memories of the last six years rush back from every where you look. it can happen when you take one final walk home.

how can you prepare for one moment for over half your life, only to let it slip past you? and as you mentally prepared yourself for the moment to come and the goodbyes to be said, none if it managed to sink in until it felt too late. i think it hurts because it doesn't feel real. i feel like i should still wake up and put on my polo shirt and walk to school like i have for the last six years.

i read a letter i wrote last year, saying that i was still a high school student. and that even though i may not like the administration or the subjects, i liked it because i felt incredibly safe. no matter how much i screwed up, it wasn't too bad. high school was a time for me to make mistakes and not let them get to me too much. i was jealous of that girl. i was so jealous of that girl who still had another year of high school to look forward to and live up to its fullest, while i just sat there with uncertainties of the future. and i realized all over again that i'm done with this part of my life.

i know my goodbyes aren't real goodbyes. i hope i never have to really say goodbye.
"never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

i have the feeling that i'm gonna come across a lot of realizations all over again...

serendipity.

[ser-uhn-dip-i-tee]
-noun.
a fortunate accident.

i used to think that this kind of stuff could only happen in the the movies. that one movie in particular. being the hopeless romantic that i am, a part of me always hoped that something like this could someday come true. and though in the back of my mind i always searched for a moment of serendipity, i never truly believed it to be possible. it was simply too good to be true. such a coincidence couldn't actually happen in real life. the screenwriters didn't get what they wrote from real life. it was always just a figment of some person's imagination. i used to be cynically hopeful.

but it's wonderfully beautiful if you think about it. the idea of high school sweet hearts you find each other again years later and fall in love all over again. the idea of you walking into a used bookstore and finding one that belonged to your great grandfather. the idea of two college room mates who drift apart after decades only to randomly run into each other on the street. it's a nice thought at the end of the day.

you were the best accident i could've asked for...

pink milk.

i felt a strange, and very sudden need to cry today as i watched an old friend today in class. i felt incredibly inadequate as both a person and a friend. every good feeling i had in the past weeks disappeared for those few moments. and only those moments. those moments when tears filled my eyes, not because of some lame staring contest, but from an ineffable kind of hurt. every broken promise i made came back to mind. everything i said i wouldn't do, i did.

i felt very proud when i had no right to. there you stood just radiating greatness, when it wasn't even your peak.

you were the only person who really knew me, when i didn't know who i was or how the heck i would really make it in this world. you stayed with me in all the times i screwed up and gave me encouraging words again. i stared at my phone many times, telling myself i would call you and talk like we used to. but i was always too scared. i'm scared it's too late for me to go back and try to fix all that i messed up.

i'm fine again, but i can't help but think still. it's what i do.
you're leaving soon to a far better life.
i'm just a waste of time.

i miss charlie and lola.

risky business.

she told us that in order to get anything really worthwhile in life, you have to take risks. the bigger the risk you take, the greater reward. but there always lies the chance of that big risk coming back and hitting you hard. you never really know how things will turn out. you just gotta take the risk.

i never took any big risks in life. no matter what situation i came to, i would always take the safer route. any fear i had within me forced me to play it safe and know with certainty that my life would turn out okay in one way or another. any risk that i did end up taking, never really turned out in my favor by the end. i look around and see some of my closest friends with the most amazing futures and i asked myself what the heck i did wrong to not achieve that greatest. i know very well that they deserve every ounce of happiness they receive in the future. but i don't know if i'll be so fortunate. i never stood up for myself. i never showed my fullest capabilities or my fullest potential. i accepted that i would never be nothing more than average, and for that, the future i see before me is simply average.

i don't know how to make me not so scared of taking a risk and trying new things. how do you stop yourself from being scared of things just going so wrong? telling yourself that everything is will be all right just doesn't seem enough.

cease and desist.

some people have told me that all things must come to an end. i don't believe that. at least, i don't wish to believe it. there are some things that really must end, like high school, the pretty bouquet of flowers on the bookshelf, or your childhood.

but still, i do believe something things can last forever. like relationships. like trust. like faith. like love.

so many times it's seemed as though relationships were over. like the love that once existed could no longer continue. it must cease and desist. too often i feared it to be true, but i don't really believe that it's over. i hope it isn't over. true love shouldn't die that easily.

there's always a chance for that friendship to return. maybe not pick up exactly where things left off, but at least pick up. it may not happen anytime soon. it may not happen at all. but i will always hope, in the back of my mind and the deepest corners of my heart, that the friendship won't simply end. if it was real, it won't die. i have hopes that love is strong enough to keep it going. in the mean time, i'll wait. it'll test the patience i've never really had before. sorta just shows how much i want it.

some things can be forever if you let them be.

butterflies and the time space continuum.

you know how people say if you were to go back in time and kill just one butterfly, the entire future could be altered, either for the better or the worse? i still wonder whether or not my life would be different had i not said some things i said. or had i made different decisions. had i taken more chances. had i stood up for myself. had i apologized sooner.

if i were go to back and make a change, i wonder how things would turn out.
i fear i may always wonder. i'm curious in that way.

i am very happy with how my life is today.
i'm scared for the future.
i don't know if i would change the past if i had the chance if i had the chance though.
but i'm happy.