unconditional.

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you." - John 15:9

Do you ever have those random moments throughout a day, or maybe just one moment that only happens once every few months, when you realize just how amazingly lucky you are? And you think to yourself that you probably, or definitely, don't deserve one bit of the love shown towards you. How can someone be so selfless that they can love you unconditionally, despite every flaw or wrongdoing of yours?

On my really tired days, I sleep in and forget to go to church.
I don't pray before every meal.
I'm actually quite selfish.
I don't thank Him for half the things that make me smile.
I'm not the nicest person in the world.
There are days when I don't want to forgive.
I take almost every day for granted.

I don't deserve a lot. I haven't done any great acts of kindness for those around me and I let my laziness keep me from potentially being a better Christian. And yet, I find myself the recipient of this unconditional love. So much love, in fact, there are times when I don't know what to do with myself.

at the top.

i like sharing random pictures. looking down never felt so scary and exhilerating.





i don't write the way i used to.

the gambler.

We were barely 18 when we'd crossed collective hearts.
It was cold, but it got warm when you'd barely crossed my eye.
and then you turned, put out your hand,
and you asked me to dance.
I knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight.

"by the way i'm never letting you go. just don't let me go now, ok?"
okay :)

hi.

today i forgot that you aren't around anymore, and looked for you.
it hurt all over again to remember that you were gone.



all i wanted was to forget again.

unrealistic.

i hate the moments when reality hits you hard.

did you know i once dreamed of seeing europe? all you dedicated blogger followers might know. i wanted to fly away from here the day after graduation and just travel with a pack on my back and go where ever i wished. i wanted to grab my friend and discover the back alleyways of rome and see the vatican. i wanted to put my hand in the mouth of truth just like in the movie and go all the way to the top of the eiffel tower. i wanted to ride a double decker bus and attempt to stalk the guy that plays harry potter. i even had a little fund that could only be openned once in order to save up money for my trip.

instead of being openned months ago, it sat where it has sat for for the last two years collecting dust. i even named it. alfie. plans change. people take trips to other places instead. i work instead of finally leaving like i told myself to months ago. the dream stays just what it is, a dream. reality hits and the responsible me says that i must save that money for college, not spend it on some trip across the globe.

and the worst part is that i still sometimes get tempted to just go out, buy a ticket and fly away. both luckily and unfortunately, my last trip to the bank says that i have exactly $40.88 in the savings account. therefore, that temptation is quite impossible.

i think to myself that if i just hadn't been so unrealistic in the first place, i wouldn't have this problem. the thing is.. i still like to dream. i still think i might find someone who will still want to fly away with me and discover the castles of england to take the ridiculously cliche pictures of the leaning tower of piza and the eiffel tower.

i promised myself four years ago that i wouldn't open my europe fund until the time came to REALLY go to europe. i'm not ready to break that promise just yet.

i still want to find someone someday.

teary.

i watched a movie which ended with two 8-year-old boys dying in a concentration camp and didn't shed a tear. i wondered to myself how i could ever turn so heartless.

then i said goodbye to a best friend of six strong years, and cried for the third time within the span of a week. goodbyes are hard, but they don't even hit me until they're all ready over. quite frankly, i don't care if this isn't a real goodbye, i don't want to even say see you later. i just want to know for a fact that i can go back to school in a couple weeks and know that i'll see my same friends like i always have. i want to hold on to something that i know i must let go of. i know what i want is childish, but who cares.

i'll miss you more than a drug addict in rehab misses their crack.
i love you more than peanut butter loves jelly.

i miss friends.

the ones who would climb the monkey bars with me during the half hour before school got out every friday. the ones who would share their food with me at recess. the ones who moved to the other side of the country, and the ones who have yet to leave. the ones who don't seem to want to talk anymore, at all. the ones who are still angry. the ones who i could once go to for anything anytime and actually wanted to talk. the ones who would make me laugh all the time. the ones who slowly and at the same time quickly drifted apart from you and eventually became a stranger. the ones who, quite frankly, don't wanna be friends.


i told myself not to care so much when it came time to realize that some friends are just lost forever, but it sort of eats you up inside. when it comes to this, i don't know what to do or what to say. it's the one thing in life i feel utterly and completely helpless with. i've faced the challenges at school or at work or with jerks or with idiots that life's thrown at me, but this? can't do it. hidden emotions make it impossible.

people.

thirteen years ago, God brought into my life two people who somehow managed to change my life for the better. little did i realize back then just how much of an impact people could have on me. within a matter of three days, i was forced to say goodbye to both. not forever, but for me, six months might as well be forever. they gave the term "best friend" its meaning.

in the span of six years, i met friends, best friends, athletes, hotties, skaters, jerks, liars, hypocrites, fakes, educators, clowns, nerds, idiots, classmates.

within less than a year, i met someone who makes me nervous, happy, giddy, excited, and strangely calm all at once. a someone who can make life better when it all feels like it's coming to an end.

in a lifetime, i grew up in a family of five. being the youngest, i learned what it was like to be watched over for constantly. i learned what true dedication looks like and the love of a family that no one could quite understand unless they were a part of it themselves.

almost two years ago, i met a group of people that scared me in ways i had never expected. in some way, they still intimidate me. in other ways, they taught me how to be more comfortable with myself and not be so scared of who i was.

i like people.
particularly the people who make life worth living.

9.0

today was a good day.
amazing morning.
satisfactory day at work.
relaxing evening.

week.

this morning i am heavy in the heart. sad in the heart.

curse my inability to wake up early. just the thought of you going makes me sad all over again. i don't want to do anything today, but i get to hide any sadness i have behind a pair of sunglasses for the next seven hours. i do not want to hide it.

this is a tough week.
a sad week.
and it's only the start.

i've said all that i've wanted to say, and yet i feel like there's still a lot left unsaid.

it was only right that your last phone call to me before you left woke me up. i'll miss you terribly, friend. i look forward to the day when you come home again, even more to hear all of the exciting stories you have to share.

happy in my heart.

so i was on urbandictionary.com.
i do not know why.
but i found a new phrase that i liked.

definition:
1. Extremely content; overjoyed; ecstatic; 'bubbling over.'
2. A deep-down jubilance.
3. As happy as one can get.

yeah, it's kinda like that.

me:i think i won't give you your present til tuesday night

friend: hahahaha

me: so i will ensure that i will get it to you that night

and not be a lazy bum

friend: hope it isnt a picture frame dammit

me: hahaha

friend: with some stupid ass picture with me and you

me: with a cheesy ass picture of us

friend: decorated with glitter and macaroni and shit

1:46 AM me: saying something like .. william and kimly

bfffriend: ...

f**k that

just thinking.

i think... i refuse to believe that things can be better if we cut ourselves off from the world and attempt to deal with life on our own. i think God put us on this earth with other people so we can learn to rely on others to help us get through the tough times in our lives and the good ones. i think we have other people in this world with us so we can learn how to trust one another and even possibly look past the mistakes once made and realize that people can be good again. i think that freezing someone out and giving them the cold shoulder does nothing but make the situation worse than it needs to be. i think that jealousy can get in the way of a lot of things, but learning to overcome it is a strength i have yet to understand. i think people need people and people do belong to people. i think that someone things just aren't meant to be, but i also think that if two people work at it enough, they can be happy together for many years until they're old and cripple. i think my last sentence was a run-on. i think that trying to do things on your own and push away the friends that want to be there is not the best way to go. i think that even though someone may not need you, the fact that they want your company is pretty darn good. i think it's time to end this.