i want to...

i want to travel through europe.
i want to graduate high school.
i want to finally drive.
i want to be the kind of friend i would want.
i want to be a good daughter to my parents.
i want to be the one you turn to when you're sad.
i want to make you laugh again.
i want to make your lost dreams come true.
i want to eat some jello.
i want to return everything i've borrowed from people.
i want to not worry about the future.
i want to go through with all of the plans we make.
i want to watch the clouds roll by.
i want to always stay as happy as i am when you're around.
i want to go to the beach.
i want to be remembered as a good person.
i want to get a fisheye camera.
i want to go on a road trip.
i want to reread all the harry potter books again.

sleep.

sleep does wonders on a person's mood in a 12 hour period, especially when 10 of those hours involved the actually sleeping part. suddenly the things that drove your mind crazy the night before don't matter any more. or in fact, maybe the sleep helped you realize that accepting it is far better than changing something you can't change. suddenly the world looks a little bit brighter and you just want to smile.


i should never deprive myself of this much sleep again ...

acceptance.

hello self,

it's time for me to accept things for the way they are. i know sometimes it won't make me very happy. and there will be times i'll be frustrated and want to cry. but, baby, that's life. worrying so much about things i really don't have control over will just make me miserable. it's useless misery. life will be life. and life will go on.

now this doesn't mean i should simply stop going after what iwant. it just means i need to realize some things are out of my hands. i can't change how a person feels or their every action. that's not how things work. let God take the load of stress off life and things should get better.

love always,
kimly pv.


i'm done being the only one left chasing. i'm done chasing...

to no end.

today, though a day i dreaded for this last was week, was for you. no matter where i went and no matter what i said, you, wonderful person, were always on the back of my mind. you are the greatest person i have ever met thus far in life. i have no doubt that no person i ever meet in this lifetime can ever surpass how wonderful you are. no person could ever hate you. you took in children who weren't even your own and made the craziest sweaters ever. you were happy when i told you i wanted to be a doctor cause then i would be able to take care of you (i'm sorry that the likeliness of that is .. terrible. just terrible.) i've never seen you angry. i've never seen you sad. i'm glad that i never will.

i've decided to only smile whenever i think of you. no more tears or pain at the thought of you being gone. you don't deserve tears. or a frown of any kind. you deserve my most ridiculous smile and most embarassing laugh. you brought a happiness and love to my childhood, and for that i will always be grateful. i love you to no end, with no questions, no doubts, and no regrets.

i thought i was supposed to say goodbye.
but quite frankly, i refuse.
i'll see you later.

what to do...

what do you do when it's almost 2am in the morning and each tick of the bathroom clock reminds that you're just that much close to waking up to a morning you know won't make you happy? what do you do when the romance of life seems to twindle away? what do you do when you find that the people you were once able to turn to, or even talk to, when life doesn't seem right suddenly seem unapproachable? what do you do when look you at the past and realize it might've screwed up your future? what do you do when, no matter how much you don't want to admit it, you realize he was right all along and you really may have lost him for good this time? what do you do when a person from the past wants to make themselves the present, but they're the last person you want, and in fact, the one person you do want is not really there? what do you do when you constantly have the feeling of deprevation deep inside but you can't, no matter how much searching, find what it is? what do you do when you find yourself becoming a person you don't want to be? what do you do when jealousy starts to creep its way into your mind, and stays no matter how hard you fight it? what do you do when you want to tell someone that you feel ignored but don't want to, mainly because returned feelings would seem fake? what do you do?

smile...
and realize, life will be okay.

i want to write.

but not about books.
books are meant to be read.
i don't believe they are meant to be written about.

i'm probably approaching my paper all wrong.
i'm very ready to just start ranting in the paper.
instead of analyzing.
at least i'll get some amusement out of it.

i want to write...
about my expectations in life.
about falling in love.
about the joys of youth.
about the frustrations of everything and nothing.
about my adventures to nowhere.
about the amusement of friends.

but not about books.

into the wild.

i wake up to the sounds of my phone's ever-so obnoxious alarm at 500am exactly. the previous night's dose of nyquil still lingers, and i know that life in 3 hours won't ever feel quite as warm as it does now. but this is a day i've been planning for weeks and it'll get better. so i drag myself out of bed and pull on the warm clothes i hung the night before. teeth are brushed. bags are packed. let's hit the road.

i pull up to a familiar building with beautiful golden arches and even more beautiful hash browns waiting for me inside. it's dark. it...will be open at 530, or so says the teenage employee that just stepped out for some fresh air. i glance at the clock on the dashboard. 530. what lies... food is out and we're off to pick up the others.

it's late. we speed. we make it with time to spare.
we're ready. we leave. off on the road again with an attempted nap or two.

so up we go on a hike, and the trail is slippery...i can't help but want to just lay on the white fluff and make a snow angel. right there and then without a care what others may think. but it's cold so i keep walking instead. the trails get tougher and my legs more tired. but i'm happily dig my hand into the not so fresh snow and make my first snowball ever. the toss wasn't perfect... but it made a nice sound.

there are a few slips. a few falls. and tumble here or there.
we're scared. we leave. we SLIDE.

(this is the good life.)

we're back. we eat. we hike some more.
snow! snow! the good kind.
there's a toss. there's a fall. there's snow everywhere.
adults prove to be far more immature than children could ever be.
this was a snow fight at its greatest.
dare i say it? it was legendary.
we talk. we laugh. we live life.

food is good, rice is magnificent. it's a feast right on the cold asphalt with flip flops and snow. songs were sung. embarrassing videos captured the memories for good. regret will probably come later but the driver and head passenger didn't seem to mind. bless them for that.

the hike wasn't quite what i expected, but the company sure as hell was good. memories that will last a lifetime and friendships which will last even longer. tonight will be one of those nights. a night where i can look back on my day and know i lived life to the absolute fullest, without a single care about the outside world.

i'm back to civilization, but it was nice...to see what it's like to go into the wild.

buckle up.

it's gonna be a long week.

mixed up resolutions.

um... yeah. why not? resolutions and random thoughts.

1. exercise more. (& actually stick to it)
2. spend less money... debit cards are dangerous. i should really cut mine up.
3. appreciate what i have.
4. rely on God more. let Him take care of me, in good times and in bad times.
5. (i always wanted to be witty. it would make communication far more fun i think. can you make yourself witty? i feel like that kills the whole point of it...)
6. clean room! keep it that way.
7. stay more organized in life.
8. get more self-motivated.
9. follow through with stuff.
10. don't let stupid people control me so much. (it's okay if someone out there doesn't like you.)
11. make my relationships last. all of them.
12. (fog is a scary thing. so are possums.)
13. (face paint is a jerk.)
14. read more.
15. focus more in school. (it's gonna be the death of me.)
16. muuuusic.

that's it for now... i can improve so much more. but i lack clear thinking at the moment. it's late.