ramble ramble.

i wonder...
if it's this late at night
and my mind is so terribly unfocused,
will my words make sense?
or better yet,
can they actually sound pleasing to a 3rd party?

i found myself reading,
when my pencil should have been scribbling
numbers that make absolutely no sense to me.
i was lazy so i didn't read the blog from the beginning.
the furthest i got was last january.
tonight i read it from start to finish.
it scares me to know that i don't really know someone.
it scares me to know think of their life before me.
and mine before them.
only cause
it means there's a chance
that their life can go on without me
and mine without them.
i loved it and hated it
all at once.

i wish that writing hadn't stopped.
so my reading wouldn't have to stop either,
and not just because i don't want to return to calculus.
i can write all night
and avoid it all together!
i should be wearing my procrastinators tee.
what an ideal moment for it.

it's wandering...

i daresay, today was a wonderful day.
(actually it was yesterday.)
i was a kid again
while still allowed to do adult things,
like drive
or curse if i wished.
i did not.

i want to tell people who i feel.
if i'm scared of you, i'll tell you.
if i'm jealous of you, i'll tell you.
if i'm angry at you, i'll tell you.
if i'm fond of you, i'll tell you.
if i miss you, i'll tell you.
if i hate you, i'll tell you.
if i love you, i'll tell you.

i cannot.
most likely will not.
is it strange that telling someone you love them
is just as scary as telling someone you hate them?
if not scarier.
i wonder why that is.

i know.
it's putting yourself out there.
(or maybe..MAYBE
it's the fact that people don't really know what love is yet
and they use that phrase like it's nothing
without any real understanding.)
is it strange that the person
who you want to express your love to
should be the last person you're scared of sharing said feelings with?
i think so.
(i don't know what i'm talking about anymore.)

i've been trying to tell people for weeks
that they scare me
and that i miss them
and that i hate them.
(i really shouldn't hate.
resent? no..
uhmm. shoot.
frustrated with!
i am frustrated with you!!
better.)
i cannot.

you know what i hate?
how much freaking alliterations is ALWAYS in my writing.

it's wandering again...
oh, thoughts.
back to calculus.
never do i feel more like a chump,
than when i'm struggling in calculus.
curses.

“ Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

i heard this in church while sitting in church today and read it while looking through blogs today. i think Someone is trying to tell me something...

good company.

i had one of those moments yesterday, when i was sitting in the passenger seat on the way to huntington beach. it was one of those moments when i sorta zone out and feel as though my mind is just floating outside of my body, taking a look at my life in a totally different perspective. and i wonder how i managed to be so lucky. particularly with the person sitting next to me.

i've never done any great things in my life. i'm not the best conversationalist and i'm not particularly funny or anything close. i didn't deserve to be in such good company, not one bit. it was then i realized that life seemed too good to be true, so naturally something was out of place. the way things turned out seemed so very odd it. not a bad odd, just odd. odd that i managed to find someone so amazing, who apparently didn't mind being around me.

and then i wondered what life would be like if i were to run out of luck and i would lose such company. it worried me for a bit until i came back, mind no longer floating elsewhere. now very self conscious and unaware of how long i had zoned out, i decided to not question my luck anymore.

life was wonderful, and that's all that really mattered.

bipolar.

i've come to the conclusion that i'm bipolar with each day.

i looked at the world differently today. maybe because it was my last day at soak city, and i didn't really have anything to worry about. today was really long and really, really tiring. i'll miss the people i once dreaded being around. is that weird? but still, it's true. it was bittersweet. but sitting at the table with these people and laughing as hard as we did... making plans for the future after we've sorta gone on our own separate paths... it was nice.

i grew up a little more this summer thanks to them.

grand night.

"No, nothing in movies really exists... except love!" - Rachel Burley.

that made me laugh. a lot.

steps.

the way i see it, there are certain steps when it comes to a relationship. not just any kind of relationship, mind you, but the boy like girl kind of relationship. (then again, maybe it's just the steps to liking someone in that particular kind of liking sort of way.) i fully understand that they may not all follow these steps precisely or even at all. this is my interpretation of it all.

step one is actually talking to that person. now you may have talked to this person for years before and never really thought much about it, or this may be the first time you really talk to a person. you can speak to a person for a lifetime without really talking to them. anyway, in this first step you start to really get to know the other person, in ways you never really expected. you really begin to notice their existence, it's more obvious when they're around or worse, not around.

moving on, there's step 2. that's when you hang out, but it's the awkward kind of hanging out. not necessarily a bad awkward, but just awkward. it's the time when you're not quite sure of the other party feels the same way towards you or whether this is just you making an absolutely awful assumption. it's the time period when you think something might happen or it's just the beginning of nothing at all. it's during this time when you must be particularly careful of what you say. and every self conscious word is so obviously filled with this attempted wit, yet comes out as idiotic. this is the step where every encounter ends in that weird hug where you may think it's something special, when in actually may just be a hug between two friends. this is the uncertain step.

step 3! this is where the fun really begins, but unfortunately the confusion doesn't end. we call it the hand holding step. it's has quite the subtle, yet potentially very quick transition from step 2. you and your special friend are hanging out, in a group or on your very lonesome, and suddenly you realize that hands are being held. prior to the hand holding you may have simply thought about the robots attacking each other on the giant screen in front of you, or you might have been begging for this to happen, but only in your mind of course. anyway, that holding hand talks A LOT. it says 'hey, hi, how's it going? so here's the deal, i like you. and it's enough to want to hold your hand. now, this doesn't necessarily mean we're going out or we are now some form of an item, but it means i like you. and if you don't let go of me right away, it means you like me too. so if you'll let me, i'd like to hold your hand, and not let go for a very long time, or ever! ooh, that would be nice. oh, and don't mind the sweaty palms. i'm a little nervous." the beatles said it best.

finally comes step 4. you can probably guess what it is, the kiss. now i think i'll choose not to describe this step, mainly because it's so very different with each person. it can occur anytime, anywhere. in the middle of the street. in the rain. on a swing in the park. in your basement. under some mistletoe. on a rollercoaster. i don't know... anywhere! the media and novels have managed to describe this step on their own, so i shall refrain from attempting it. i'll just say one thing, this is the step where you manage to forget that the rest of the world exists because, in that one moment, now there's only one other person in the world that really seems to matters.

now there are most definitely more steps, but i'm choosing not to go on. i'll blame my sleepiness for that. keep in mind that i'm a very, bored teenage girl and that 98.6% of what i write is absolute nonsense. i'll probably delete this post out of shame within a few days. please don't judge me...

i think...

...over time people have come to the conclusion that if i'm quiet or don't speak much then there's something bothering me. i talk a lot. a lot more than any normal person probably should. so if i'm quiet, they make the incorrect assumption that something is wrong. i'm sad. or i'm angry. i like to watch people, especially people that i've just met. not talking is a time for me to really get to know other people, or just take in the world around me.

...i still fear other people's perceptions of me. i was once told that if people look at you in a certain manner then it might as well be true. there may be several arguments both for and against this statement. still, it makes sense. people see me is clingy or obnoxious or fake or irresponsible. and in my mind, i'm screaming louder than i've ever screamed before. in my mind, i want desperately to prove that i'm not the person they see me to be, though i know it to be impossible in the end.

...i'm absolutely horrible at confrontations.

...i want to roam around ikea.

...i want to repaint my room.

...i'm done typing for now since this is all nonsense.

but i know...
oh, i know...

...i'm the happiest i've been in a very long time.