Wednesday, December 12, 2012

"I've calculated how much sleep you've been getting.."

To say I'm tired would not suffice. I leave for school before my roommate even leaves the bedroom and come home hours after she's already been asleep. I don't think I've allowed myself to add up the numbers simply because I'm in denial of how little sleep I'm actually getting. While the rest of the world is telling me to just go to bed and start again the next day, my mind is screaming, yelling that there's still some cavity somewhere in there that can retain a little better understanding of Nash equilibrium and iterated dominance. My gosh is game theory kicking my butt. And I have a whole quarter of it in the winter? This will be... We'll see. 

In all of my studying, I've never been this distracted. Not simply by the social media outlets that steal away the precious hours of so many students, but just thoughts.

Thoughts about life after San Diego.
Thought about whether life should stay in San Diego a little longer.
Thoughts about the general future.
Thoughts about how my wants for my life are turning down a very different path that I did not foresee. And that scares me.

In some ways I don't want things to change because that was always the plan that just happened, and for things to veer towards a different path doesn't make me feel very.. safe. But I worry about that part of me that will always wonder what would have happened if things ended up differently. If I didn't go back home. If I took the chances, even if they ended in failure. If my education (and someday a career) was, for the first time, to become a priority in my life.

This is me. The kid who worries way to much for her own good.

"Life is way too short to consider and reconsider every possibility."

No words, no "Happy Birthday"s, no "You can do it!"s, in the last week have ever been needed to be heard more than that. 

I ramble.  :)

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