Write or Wrong.

I think I prefer to write because you can edit what you say before the rest of the world reads it. Because it's easier to save what you say for another day and you won't feel as though the moment has passed you by. There's no awkward fumbling over words or leaving out an important thought or two.

Then again, I guess there's something beautifully raw about saying something face to face. Being so completely vulnerable in front of someone else yet still doing your best to open up. That's tough. At least it is for me.

I still get so incredibly nervous because I still believe things are too good to be true. Any moment this can all disappear, and I may very well be left with nothing. And yet, I feel so very safe when you're around. Nothing else matters anymore. I can't really describe it more than that.

Is this all just too crazy?
I'm going on 2 hours of sleep still and it's getting late. I'm for all my craziness. You shouldn't have to deal with it.

Lion.

Ever have one of those moments when you can't bring yourself to say something but in your mind you're just screaming it with the hopes that someone else can just read your mind and hear those silent screams?

My God, I am a coward.
Just call me a lion.

Sober Conversation.

I am very grateful that I have people I can have an intellectual conversation with. I like that I have people who I can hang out with anytime and always have something interesting to talk about. Someone who I can always click with, not a single moment of awkwardness. No need for some drinks to intoxicate, to make a situation more amusing. Not needing a designated driver because the rest of the group would be incapable of maneuvering a big vehicle. Being able to drink beverages that wouldn't require an ID.

Things are good enough sober...

Contentness.

I want to write! I do not care if I still have studying left to do and that it's already 1:30 in the morning. I'm gonna just use the excuse that writing is a way of clearing my mind, therefore allowing me to do a better job at focusing on my studying later on.

Today was and ideal day, that I would not mind repeating anytime soon (besides all things school related: studying and taking tests). I think it's sorta funny that so many of my friends went back to Oxford, mainly with the intent of visiting the people who are still there, old teachers and the students who are still there. Yet, for me at least, it felt so wonderful to see how many of the alumni just came back and were able to catch up again. I am so very fond of all the people I crossed paths with today, people I only talked to for a few minutes and others who I hung out with over lunch.

I want to just freeze everything,
and somehow magically make sure that these people
will be in my life
forever.

I don't think I've felt this kind of happiness in a very long time.
It's utter contentment.
It's finally seeing a friend after months apart
and feeling so much reassurance
in seeing that we still click.
We're still as close as ever,
since period 2 Spanish.
It's walking around in bookstores
and looking at stuff we can't afford.
It's the hugs that aren't just hugs.
They are hugs that say,
"Hey, let's stay close like this forever.
Let me keep you forever."

It's sitting there and literally thinking to yourself,
"Is this real? I think it is.
Wow.. awesome."

Yeah... Today was a good day.

I chickened out again today.
Maybe tomorrow...

Seemingly Powerless.

I think we tend to overlook a great deal in our lives and the actual power such overlooked things hold. (Did that make any sense?) It's the random messages shared between two friends throughout the day that seem like a bunch of nonsense to a third party that actually builds a bond between two people that no one can break. It's the slip of a cup that brings back a flood of memories and a great deal of laughter. It's the bagged lunches your mom still makes for you before you leave for school that tell you that she'll always be there for you. It's the one little sentence that gives you hope that everything will work out for the best. It's the kiss that still makes you wonder if the last few months were even real, as they seem far too good to be true. It's listening to that one song in your car that gets you smiling and happy every. single. freaking. time. It's making a wish at the same time every night that may seem incredibly childish to some, but sorta gives you a sense of hope for the impossible or for what you want most in the world.

Take a look at your day a little more closely.
Chances are you might have overlooked something too.


On a random note, my friends are coming home this week. Not just some of them, but basically ALL of them. I am quite excited, and clearly my words here are not even doing the excitement justice.

When I was at Walgreens today, I saw a card that was labeled in the category "It's been a while, but I'm always here to be your friend." They make pre-made cards for everything now. I wonder how difficult it would be write cards like that, like in (500) Days of Summer! Fun.

Ramble.

I am naturally a worry wart. I cannot help it when I start to worry about something small and automatically begin to over think it. Never mind the fact that this shows that I share a great deal of similar psychological symptoms to a person who is OCD. Indeed, I have looked back at certain moments in my life in which I worried about losing people and friendships and saw some freakish obsessive behavior going on. It's quite shameful for me now as I look back. If someone was angry or just didn't act their normal, happy self, I would simply assume that I did something wrong and they were mad at me. If there is even a slight chance that I forgot to bring something or get something done, I will not feel comfortable until I know for certain the task was completed. This was always just something I have accepted about myself throughout my life, and thus I sort of lived with it. I don't wanna anymore!

I want to not worry or over think, and just be happy with what I have. I want to ignore the stupid gut feeling I've got if ever it is telling me that something will not go my way. I want to learn to simply be grateful to the people around me and my God above for everything. It will be difficult.

I want to do well on my finals, therefore I must stop writing.
I just felt like writing...

:)

The world must see this.

[Abriged.]

You knit me sweaters and baked me cookies. You broke my heart when I saw that you were sick, and mended it back up again when you wouldn't let go of my hand.

I miss you.