antsy.

can't sleeeeeep.
there's rarely ever a christmas eve where i can.


do you ever come across a moment where should make a wish...
at 11:11.
or on a shooting star.
or when a penny is tossed into a fountain.
or with birthday candles.

but you're so happy, you find that you don't need a wish.
life is too good.
(it's very dumbledore-like in harry potter.)


you make me that happy.

man, it's late.

i've come to the conclusion that no matter how hard life seems or how many times i question myself as a person, i am lucky.

random.

1. my room tends to be cleaner during times when i have tests because i usually choose to clean as a form of procrastination.
2. blogging is another form of procrastination.
3. as healthy as it may be for me and as much as i've tried to drink it, i don't like tea.
4. giving presents to people is the funnest thing EVER.
5. shopping for them is also fun.
6. i don't know when this change occured within me, but i fear i've grown rather materialistic and have grown to really, really enjoy shopping.
7. i think it's dangerous and should probably try to quit.
8. calculus and i will NEVER be friends.
9. chemistry is just my enemy.
10. i LOVE the rain. i could walk around in it for hours at a time. it's just so much fun to jump around in puddles and feel five again.
11. sadly, i don't own enough warm clothes for this frightfully cold weather.
12. tonight made me miss volleyball.
13. one of my worst flaws is that i never finish reading the majority of the books i come across.
14. my ability to focus is greatly lacking.
15. i'm pretty bad when it comes to planning events.

9 heartaches.

there are nine times when your heart hurts. there's the time when you're frightfully nervous for what's to come, whether it be a performance in front of a big audience or your first day at a new job. your heart pounds harder than normal and your trembling hands seem to be noticeable to all. there's the time when it physically hurts because you ate too much fried chicken for dinner that night and heartburn decides to kick in. there's the time when a numbing feeling in your left arm follows the pain in your heart. i suggest calling 911 in this case. there's the time right after you've sprinted a hundred meters, far too fast for your own good. there's my personal favorite when you think of that one person who's mere existence makes life seem that much better. the one who seems to occupy your first thoughts as you wake each morning and the last of them each night. this is a physical pain in your heart, but it's a good kind of hurt. it makes you realize that you really aren't dreaming, and you sorta wish it lasted just a few seconds longer. there's the time when you're so disappointed, your heart seems to sink and somehow finds itself in your stomach. there's the time when you feel so heartbroken, your heart seems split in two and you find yourself looking for tape or glue to put it back together. without some form of mending, your heart feels dysfunctional and would only work with gallons of ice cream in you. there's the time when you're so excited the adrenaline in you makes your heart beat three times too fast for it's own good. you've found something good in life and you find yourself wanting more. and finally, there's the worst time. the one when you lose something so dear to you that your heart becomes strange to you. it beats as normal to remind you that you're still living, yet feels rather like a rock in your chest that you just want to be rid of. it's the one where you know life won't quite be the same, yet its continual beats tell you that you must move on, though how long it will take is not quite clear.

no matter what kind of heartache you feel, one solution that seems to always work is time. impatience may seem like your shadow, but still, time really does help.

i'm ready...

to celebrate my birthday. so i'm a tad bit late...

so, friends, life will be life. through tearful moments and the ones full of hugs. life will be life. i'm grateful to friends who have stood by me in times when all i wanted was to be alone. i'm grateful to Him for giving me the wonderful people who support me and the strength i need to get through the day. i'm grateful to him for being the first happy birthday text. i'm grateful to her for being understanding. i'm grateful to him being there for me to go first when nothing could come but tears. i'm grateful to her for bringing me starbucks and a hug late at night. i'm grateful to him for making me WANT to celebrate my birthday again. i'm grateful to her for still being there for me even when it seems we are so far apart. i'm grateful to him for reminding me that i really am stronger than i think that that life will be okay. i'm grateful to him for making me laugh again, something only he could do today.

life will be life. i have a pretty big group of people who will help get me through it.

well done.

"sometimes i don't understand why i thought that i had all the time in the world to go and see you awhile for just a little while.

too caught up in my own life, i didn't see the pain you hid with a smile. and now you're not here with me. shoulda been, coulda been, woulda been, alright...

wish i knew how to turn back the hands of time, cause maybe then i'd be here by your side. wish that i had done just a little more. wish that i could see you one more time, but i know that God holds your life. your battle is finally won and he said well done. my faithful servant, well done.

too many times in our lives do we take things for granted. i don't understand it, no. when its right in front of our eyes thinking they would be here for all times.

wish i knew how to turn back the hands of time, cause maybe then i'd be here by your side. wish that i had done just a little more. wish that i could see you one more time, but i know that God holds your life. your battle is finally won and he said well done. my faithful servant, well done."

dear grandma, well done.

"smile, kimly. it's your birthday."

if someone had walked up to me years ago and told me that the last few hours of my childhood would also be the most miserable ones of it, i would've called them a damn liar and a thief. i would've been wrong.

i lied when i said i was just tired or getting sick...