current psyche.

1. life hasn't been nice to me lately.
2. but i'm happy. very, very happy.
3. thin book, LONG read.
4. sleep. sleep. sleep.
5. one more week! good and bad.
6. trick or treat.
7. JASON MRAZ. concert!
8. walk with buddies.
9. drive.

recognize.

so many moons ago, i had to take tests on what was most important to me, such as family or health or money or a good career. and on that list was also recognition. me being me, i honestly never thought of recognition as being a major factor on that list. it seemed too selfish.

but life has continued, and i realized recognition really is up there for me, no matter how selfish that may make me appear. i've gone through life never really being the best at what i do. or even good enough to possibly stand out in the crowd. so there it is... i just lived life sort of in the shadow, whether it was in school, at work, or in volleyball. and i thought was okay with that this whole time, but really, it sorta eats you up inside. you want to know that your actions have made a difference somehow. and there have been times in life when i did not feel that. mark twain was right when he said he could go three months on a good compliment. a little recognition for what i've done in life goes a long way, and lately it's hard to find any of it with all of my nostaligic thinking and questioning over what the hell i've done with my life before i graduate.

sometimes it's rather nice to know your existence means something to someone out there. that you've made a difference in some way or another.

you make me feel.

...giddy when you used to tell me how much you liked my eyes.
...safe when you surround me with your hug.
...grateful when you constantly stand by my side no matter what.
...nostalgic when you remind me of how thing used to be.
...scared when you tell me about your amazing future and remind my lack of one.
...excited when you talk of europe.
...happy when you smile at me.
...recognized when you compliment me for the first time.
...hurt when you lie to me.
...amused when you go along with my silly ways.
...frustrated when you fail to simply let things go and make the best of things.
...annoyed when you don't let me go.
...hopeful when you believe in me.
...guilty when you have so much faith in me and i have none.
...talented when you're so amazed at my work.
...loved when you take care of me.
...lucky when you are simply you and remind of how much i have in my life.

gone.

you've been gone for almost three years and two days. and there are days that go by when i forgot that you've left. there are days when i don't remember. those days are easier to be honest. i don't cry on those days. but tonight i remember you so clearly. it feels like yesterday you rang the doorbell. i saw your hat and recognized you right away. you almost always had some little knick knack to give me. i didn't appreciate it enough. but i kept it anyway. i'm sorry i didn't appreciate back then.

i'm sorry i never told you how much i loved you. i'm sorry you won't be there on my graduation to take my picture like you said you would. i'm sorry that we took your life for granted. it was a beautiful one.

lights.

"You know what I love about airplane flights? When the plane is getting ready for landing and through the window, you see millions and millions of lights: street lights, house lights, car lights, building lights. Yeah you can talk about air pollution but it's a beautiful thing. For every light you see, someone is there. That's our civilization you see. It's like a person is standing there with a torch." - Min Lee.

piggy back.

when she was first born, she couldn't walk yet,
so her mom carried her home from the hospital.
when she was two, she still couldn't swim,
so big brother held her close all the way to the deep end.
when she was three, she wanted to grow taller faster,
so her daddy carried her on his shoulders.
when she was six, school was still too far for her short legs
so mom drove her every morning.

life seemed simple, until her mom said,
"you can't expect us to carry you forever.
you need to learn to live on your own."
so she took her own first steps.
but soon, life grew difficult.
& she was scared to ask for help.
until she felt herself being carried once again.
and heard his voice say,
"sometimes it's okay to get a piggyback ride now and again."

forever.