Money Makes the World Go Round.

This is probably going to sound incredibly unwise and irresponsible of me to say, but I'm tired of saving up money for the future. I feel like a fool for working so hard since the age of 16 and somehow managing to spend the majority of it away in a rather frivolous fashion on things I cannot remember. Clothes, eating out, movies. I know it's been spent in good times and though I cannot remember specific movies, I do have fun memories with friends. And I know I'm hypocritical since I just spent 8 dollars on Captain Crcuh, box of 12 Special K bars and frozen strawberries (I broke the whole "no shopping when you're hungry" rule). It's either that or big chunks of my money disappears on boring things like tuition, gas, or textbooks. But overall, I feel like there's no way for me to be financially comfortable with my future while still being able to enjoy it.

And I'm getting that itch again, mainly because of my world geography class. My professor's been everywhere and he's barely 35. I want to go places and see the amazing cultures that I keep reading about in my textbook. I want to go places without feeling bad about spending so much money on a trip. I'm tired of listening to people say that I have the rest of my life to travel and go places. I've seen far too many people say that and spend years and years of their lives going to school and working and having families and saying "Oh well, too late."

I don't mind working hard to earn the money I receive. But more recently, I've seen me just saving money and seeing it get spent on things that I don't even have the chance to enjoy. I know practically any talk of money is always sort of a touchy topic, but seriously, being responsible and saving up money for educational future and such is making be bitter.

But don't think this means I'll suddenly start going and crazy vacations and stuff. The responsible side of me has almost always hindered my fun. Possibly rightfully so. I'm just thinking more lately..

What good is it to save up money to survive when you're not really living?

For the smiles.

These weeks have felt rough.
And I saw myself holding on to grudges
and feeling bitter,
and constantly frustrated.

But today I did not worry.
I thought nothing of the negatives,
only about what was around me
in the moment.
Nothing and no one could pull my thoughts away
no matter how hard they tried.

For today I felt safe
and so very happy.

Today reminded me
that I have a lot of good in my life,
a lot to make me smile.
I have you to make me smile.

I think I need to focus on that more.

Thanks for the smiles.

God is Love. (pt. 2)

More recently I've noticed, in listening to people or in my readings, the idea of God being love. I don't know why, but I don't think it ever really struck me until now.

I remember as a kid, a popular question for religion class was, "What is the greatest gift that God has given you?" And the kids would say things like family, friends, their house, have a meal each day, chocolate (I'm craving some right now), or their new toy they got. I know now what I would say if asked that question today. The ability to love.

There's just so many types of love and so many ways you can show it to others. Jesus said, "Love one another as I have loved you." Many books tell people not to give their love out so easily when it comes to relationships. Love is amazing and brings so much happiness, yet can be confusing at times. Then again, so is God. I have no doubt about the love I have for my family and have managed to love complete strangers, like the nun I saw walking down the street every morning since kindergarten. Yet, I've found myself feeling rather vulnerable when I wanted to tell someone I love them. It was probably one of the scariest, while also one of the happiest moments thus far in life. Strange, is it not?

(I wonder if it's bad that I don't say it as much as I think it. A part of me believes that if the thought ever crosses your mind, you say it. Every time, even if it happens 20 times in a day. To everyone. Family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends. Yet another part if doesn't want to say it so much because it seems to lose its meaning like it has in the past. But rather, I want to show it through actions.)

Anyway, love is big. But it tends to make me feel small at times. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." I feel small when I think of the magnitude of that kind of love.

And just think. Without God, I could never experience that nervous, excited, happy feeling which is, in fact, love. It's beautiful really.. when you love somebody.



This post probably seems weird to most people. It's me rambling mostly. I sort of just wrote whatever came to mind, and nothing really flows together well. And considering how late it is, it'll probably seem even more weird when I read this over in the morning. I dunno... it's just my thoughts I suppose.

God is Love. (pt. 1)

"In today's hard times, you sort of lose faith in God. And when you lose God, you lose love." - Deacon Jerry

Do you ever have one of those days when you just aren't in the best mood? There's a lot in your life you aren't happy about and you don't really have much control over anything. I mean... there's still a lot you have to be happy about, but you're choosing not to allow them to be the main focus on your mind. That and you don't really care. And all throughout the day a part of you is sort of just hating the world until your emotions build up, and you hear one thing that makes you want to just let it all out.

It's amazing, really, how God just sets me up for all of this. Over the years, I've noticed a lot of people around me stopped going to church because they question the importance of it, especially when it comes to the Catholic Church. Everything is very structured. Our responses are phrases we've come to memorize and have seemed to lose its meaning. People argue that going to a Catholic church has no sincerity behind the prayers when the priest reads out of a book so much. Sure, their arguments may be valid. But it's moments like these, when I'm not having the most amazing day and God draws me in, that make going to church so very worth it.

Maybe it was just the horrible headache I had from today or the stress from life in general that made me tear up when I heard the deacon today. But I think it was because I realized there was something else I was losing.

Cept this is something I have control over. I'll work better to keep Him.

Boy, I'm in a bad mood tonight..

Edit: And I now I know that fun. won't be at Bamboozle. Bummer.