God is Love. (pt. 1)

"In today's hard times, you sort of lose faith in God. And when you lose God, you lose love." - Deacon Jerry

Do you ever have one of those days when you just aren't in the best mood? There's a lot in your life you aren't happy about and you don't really have much control over anything. I mean... there's still a lot you have to be happy about, but you're choosing not to allow them to be the main focus on your mind. That and you don't really care. And all throughout the day a part of you is sort of just hating the world until your emotions build up, and you hear one thing that makes you want to just let it all out.

It's amazing, really, how God just sets me up for all of this. Over the years, I've noticed a lot of people around me stopped going to church because they question the importance of it, especially when it comes to the Catholic Church. Everything is very structured. Our responses are phrases we've come to memorize and have seemed to lose its meaning. People argue that going to a Catholic church has no sincerity behind the prayers when the priest reads out of a book so much. Sure, their arguments may be valid. But it's moments like these, when I'm not having the most amazing day and God draws me in, that make going to church so very worth it.

Maybe it was just the horrible headache I had from today or the stress from life in general that made me tear up when I heard the deacon today. But I think it was because I realized there was something else I was losing.

Cept this is something I have control over. I'll work better to keep Him.

Boy, I'm in a bad mood tonight..

Edit: And I now I know that fun. won't be at Bamboozle. Bummer.

Nyquil sucks.

All I wanted to do was take some Nyquil and knock out until 7 tomorrow. After a disgusting mouthful of it and less than 4 hours of sleep, I am already awake again.




I just want sleep.
I'm sorry if I am grumpy.

I am simply the worst person in the world when I don't get it.

Hey, it's the 26th of January.

Do you ever find yourself sitting around with your friend (or group of them) and not a single word is exchanged? And in all that time while you're just sitting there, you're still feeling quite happy with everything. Sure it may not be the most exciting moment you could potentially have and probably won't seem like it would be the most memorable to anyone else. But you are happy, so what else really matters?

That's the thing. Just being around you makes me really happy, even if we aren't going on some cool adventure through the zoo or at the beach. I was cursed with a default look of boredom. So often, when people see my default look they automatically think I am bored or unhappy, but I most likely am not. I like to people-watch and sorta take in the world around me. And in those moments, I am usually not talkative and my default look comes around. But yeah.. that's just how my face is. It sounds strange, I know.

You should know that with you, I am always happy. (Unless we somehow manged to have a real fight.)

Throw in some paper and a box of crayons and life couldn't be better.

Go back.

Since I'm not fully satisfied with what I am writing tonight, I will just say this..

See blog entry from July 4th, 2009.

Remember...

...when the tips of my hair barely touched the bottom of my ears?
...when I would listen to the RENT soundtrack nearly every day and somehow manage to quote a song in a blog entry?
...when chick flicks made me a hopeless romantic and I constantly hoped it would be me one day?
...when my favorite toy was my little Canon Powershot?
...when I was actually decent when it came to volleyball?
...when I would blog practically every day, sometime multiple times?
...when I still wore glasses and had braces?
...when I knit??
...when we always walked to Walgreens to buy food and just pig out?
...when we would take naps after school and nothing else?
...when the park always one of our most popular places to hang out?

I am being nostalgic when I really should be sleeping. (I blame you, Athena.) Looking back, I remembered some of the happiest, most wonderful times in my youth. It makes me want to jump on the bandwagon and gather up all of my old pictures that made me so very happy and put them together in one place.

But the thing is.. I am also in love with my present life.
While I may look back and find a lot of good times in the past, I don't think I would want to go back. I love my now. Everything and everyone in my now. I am a fortunate person, living a very wonderful life.

I am happy.
& life is good.

Life is hard, but life is good.

(I do not care if you get sick of hearing this because you will continue to hear it from me a lot. I think it became my motto in life at one point..)

Rough Week.

The roughest.
I thought I would handle this better,
but clearly I cannot.

In actuality
I would love very much to run away.
But again,
I cannot.

I feel rather weak.
Helpless mostly.
And I am unsatisfied with the little help I can provide.
I should be able to do more.

In actuality, I am hindering myself
by wanting to forget.

I want to sleep,
but I cannot.

Unlike my usual problem,
I am not overthinking.
If anything,
I am not thinking enough.

I want to talk,
but I keep running out of words.
I want to scream,
but that's just not right.

I feel helpless.
Things change so quickly.

Rough week...

Remember.

Life is hard, but life is good.




I feel as though I am asking You for the impossible.
But if anyone can help me, it's You.

List Contents.

I sat down and made a list,
and it was a lot longer than thirteen.
But you're not allowed to read it.
And neither is the rest of the world.
It's growing...

I felt really bad
when I couldn't think of the list on the spot.
I remember people saying
it should be easy to think of its contents
right away.
It's not for me.
I'm sorry.
I hope that doesn't trouble you.

It shouldn't,
and I will give my justification as to why.

I may not be able to think of the list
off the top of my head.
But when the moment comes,
I know it.
I feel it.
And in the moments,
I just want to scream it to the rest of the world.
Or at least to you.
But that would probably hurt your ears,
so I usually choose to refrain.

And..
while the list's contents may take a while to think of,
I have no doubt of what it all leads to.

You make me happy
in a way no one else can make me happy.



Vague writings that probably turned out to not be so vague after all..

Rats live on no evil star.

Today reminded me how much I love my life.

Thus far each day of 2010 has been awesome. Never mind the fact that only two days have gone by. It's been good. Two perfect days is better than none, so I'll take it. Thank You, God. Today would never have happened if it weren't for You.

Random:
I have good people. I think (besides the hermits that live on their own and do their own thing) people, for the most part, just need people. You have your people to get you through the day. People to hang out with. People to talk to. People to have listen to you. People to listen to. People to work with. People need people. And when you don't have those people, you sorta feel lost in the world. And you're looking for this something that seems a little hard to find.

Well, I have people. Not just any kind of people. I have good people.
In case I haven't said it lately... thank you, People.

Happy Palindrome Day! (01/02/2010)

PS. I was off. My palindrome had something to do with a mouse and the moon. The real one had rats and no evil star. Sigh...

Typical New Year's Rambles.

I think it's very nice to note that yesterday was the first New Year's Eve (maybe ever) in which I had no real regrets looking back. It was the first year in which I didn't have to look back and feel unaccomplished in some way.

Instead I can look back and see that I've found my group of friends who I can rely on for anything, in moments of laughter or tears. Some who have been there for the last 13 years, others for the last 7 months. I hiked mountains for the first time, but certainly not the last. I graduated from high school and finished my first semester of college. I somehow fell in love with my summer job and finally learned to feel comfortable in my own shoes. I spent 6 rather rough days in the Grand Canyon, yet managed to enjoy it enough to want to go back next summer. I fell for this pretty cool kid I like to brag about. When it comes to family... there is not a single bit of doubt in my mind that we love each other and will always be there for one another. What more can I ask for? When it comes to God, He's given me far more than I deserve and is my constant backbone. Even in the moments when I sadly forget that He's there.

I had plans to see the world this past year, or at least Europe. Clearly that didn't follow through. My life isn't very exciting or all that interesting to anyone else. But in the end, I suppose it doesn't really matter.

Above all else, I am happy.

PS. I shall refrain from any New Year's Resolutions because it would be the exact same list as last year's. Exactly. I still have some work left..

Write or Wrong.

I think I prefer to write because you can edit what you say before the rest of the world reads it. Because it's easier to save what you say for another day and you won't feel as though the moment has passed you by. There's no awkward fumbling over words or leaving out an important thought or two.

Then again, I guess there's something beautifully raw about saying something face to face. Being so completely vulnerable in front of someone else yet still doing your best to open up. That's tough. At least it is for me.

I still get so incredibly nervous because I still believe things are too good to be true. Any moment this can all disappear, and I may very well be left with nothing. And yet, I feel so very safe when you're around. Nothing else matters anymore. I can't really describe it more than that.

Is this all just too crazy?
I'm going on 2 hours of sleep still and it's getting late. I'm for all my craziness. You shouldn't have to deal with it.

Lion.

Ever have one of those moments when you can't bring yourself to say something but in your mind you're just screaming it with the hopes that someone else can just read your mind and hear those silent screams?

My God, I am a coward.
Just call me a lion.

Sober Conversation.

I am very grateful that I have people I can have an intellectual conversation with. I like that I have people who I can hang out with anytime and always have something interesting to talk about. Someone who I can always click with, not a single moment of awkwardness. No need for some drinks to intoxicate, to make a situation more amusing. Not needing a designated driver because the rest of the group would be incapable of maneuvering a big vehicle. Being able to drink beverages that wouldn't require an ID.

Things are good enough sober...

Contentness.

I want to write! I do not care if I still have studying left to do and that it's already 1:30 in the morning. I'm gonna just use the excuse that writing is a way of clearing my mind, therefore allowing me to do a better job at focusing on my studying later on.

Today was and ideal day, that I would not mind repeating anytime soon (besides all things school related: studying and taking tests). I think it's sorta funny that so many of my friends went back to Oxford, mainly with the intent of visiting the people who are still there, old teachers and the students who are still there. Yet, for me at least, it felt so wonderful to see how many of the alumni just came back and were able to catch up again. I am so very fond of all the people I crossed paths with today, people I only talked to for a few minutes and others who I hung out with over lunch.

I want to just freeze everything,
and somehow magically make sure that these people
will be in my life
forever.

I don't think I've felt this kind of happiness in a very long time.
It's utter contentment.
It's finally seeing a friend after months apart
and feeling so much reassurance
in seeing that we still click.
We're still as close as ever,
since period 2 Spanish.
It's walking around in bookstores
and looking at stuff we can't afford.
It's the hugs that aren't just hugs.
They are hugs that say,
"Hey, let's stay close like this forever.
Let me keep you forever."

It's sitting there and literally thinking to yourself,
"Is this real? I think it is.
Wow.. awesome."

Yeah... Today was a good day.

I chickened out again today.
Maybe tomorrow...

Seemingly Powerless.

I think we tend to overlook a great deal in our lives and the actual power such overlooked things hold. (Did that make any sense?) It's the random messages shared between two friends throughout the day that seem like a bunch of nonsense to a third party that actually builds a bond between two people that no one can break. It's the slip of a cup that brings back a flood of memories and a great deal of laughter. It's the bagged lunches your mom still makes for you before you leave for school that tell you that she'll always be there for you. It's the one little sentence that gives you hope that everything will work out for the best. It's the kiss that still makes you wonder if the last few months were even real, as they seem far too good to be true. It's listening to that one song in your car that gets you smiling and happy every. single. freaking. time. It's making a wish at the same time every night that may seem incredibly childish to some, but sorta gives you a sense of hope for the impossible or for what you want most in the world.

Take a look at your day a little more closely.
Chances are you might have overlooked something too.


On a random note, my friends are coming home this week. Not just some of them, but basically ALL of them. I am quite excited, and clearly my words here are not even doing the excitement justice.

When I was at Walgreens today, I saw a card that was labeled in the category "It's been a while, but I'm always here to be your friend." They make pre-made cards for everything now. I wonder how difficult it would be write cards like that, like in (500) Days of Summer! Fun.

Ramble.

I am naturally a worry wart. I cannot help it when I start to worry about something small and automatically begin to over think it. Never mind the fact that this shows that I share a great deal of similar psychological symptoms to a person who is OCD. Indeed, I have looked back at certain moments in my life in which I worried about losing people and friendships and saw some freakish obsessive behavior going on. It's quite shameful for me now as I look back. If someone was angry or just didn't act their normal, happy self, I would simply assume that I did something wrong and they were mad at me. If there is even a slight chance that I forgot to bring something or get something done, I will not feel comfortable until I know for certain the task was completed. This was always just something I have accepted about myself throughout my life, and thus I sort of lived with it. I don't wanna anymore!

I want to not worry or over think, and just be happy with what I have. I want to ignore the stupid gut feeling I've got if ever it is telling me that something will not go my way. I want to learn to simply be grateful to the people around me and my God above for everything. It will be difficult.

I want to do well on my finals, therefore I must stop writing.
I just felt like writing...

:)

The world must see this.

[Abriged.]

You knit me sweaters and baked me cookies. You broke my heart when I saw that you were sick, and mended it back up again when you wouldn't let go of my hand.

I miss you.