swim.

"you'd totally bang him if you could, wouldn't you?"
nooooo.

but no, really..
he makes tattoos awesome.
and playing the piano awesome.
and jumping on said piano even more awesome.

thank you for taking me back years and years to my youth which, in fact, wasn't so long ago. suddenly the hours of listening to the same songs play over and over again rushed back. i still recall the exact blog where i complained quite childishly (real word? doubt it.) about not being able to pick up and go to their concert. sept. 14, 2006. and i realized that i even blogged pictures of the tshirt i told you about, one of the first tshirts i ever made. still pretty childish of me.

i remember very well how impossible it felt to simply buy some tickets, grab my stuff, and go see my favorite band live. but you made it happen, didn't you?

i really had forgotten how much i loved hearing his voice and how much energy he put into all of his music. remember... we wanted to see him play months ago, but i do believe you invited me to a nonexistent concert. i barely knew you, but still, i hoped to myself that i could go with you.

it was a perfect night. thank you.

romantics.

so the way i see it, there are four types of romantics (quite possibly more, i just haven't figured them out yet).


#1. romantic number one is the hopeless romantic, which is, according to the rest of the world, the category that people say i fall into. this is the group of people who are the daydreamers. the ones that have watched the lame romantic movies and say aww whenever something remotely cute or romantic happens around them. they already know how they would like to be proposed to and the kinds who know exactly which type of flowers they would love to get whenever a situation warrants flowers. these people are the ones who have imagined every type of romantic scene possible for their future and know exactly which movie they would love their life to follow. though this person has imagined practically every romantic situation possible, they also have a taste of reality. they know that the likeliness of the movie love coming true is probably slim to none, but have hope that maybe they can be the exception and find it out there.


#2. the non-romantic. this is the person who knows that love exists and that love may sometimes call for a romantic gesture or two, but that's basically the extent of it. if there's any kind of word to describe this person, it would probably be practical. they know that love is awesome, but they know that it doesn't necessarily mean you have to call that special person just to say goodnight, and that anniversaries shouldn't be celebrated every month, especially since the mere term anniversary is defined as the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event. so to say happy one week anniversary or happy one month anniversary makes no sense in actuality. proposals don't require a knee or some amazing ring right away. they don't need a sunset in the background or hundreds of people watching at one time. the non-romantic fully understands the existence of love, just doesn't feel the need to exaggerate it or make it seem fluffy in any way.

#3. the cheesy romantic. annoys all that is around him or her. this person can deliver a line that would make anyone want to gag a little, or maybe just laugh a lot. they know just what to say and when to say it. they think to themselves what could be nice to say and what will make another person grin from ear to ear. this is the person that likes to leave messages for the other special person to find in the morning and the one who plans ahead. this person will give flowers just the for the sake of giving flowers and knows all of the ridiculously cute things that have been said in movies from casablanca to the notebook. sadly for the cheesy romantic, he or she can has the tendency to come off as being incredibly fake and even shallow almost. their acts seem only good enough for the movies, so when they happen in real life, it seems too good to the true for the outside world. know this, the cheesy romantics like to do what they do not simply to get another person in bed. oh, no. this person does it because like to see the smile one someone else's face. they love love and love being in love, or in like for the early stages. they deserve a great deal of appreciation when you think about all that they do. they are genuine at heart and mean every word they say.

#4. the romantic romantic. okay, in all honesty, i have no idea what the romantic romantic is really like. i don't know if he or she exists in movies, but i imagine they're something like this. the romantic romantic doesn't need no stinkin' movies or book to know romance. they create it themselves. rather than falling under certain standards of romance, they know what they want and they get it in their own way. they too, like the cheesy romantic, can deliver a good line, just far more subtly. they appreciate any sentimental memories or places that they may share with someone, but does not exaggerate it. in other words, they don't need to show the world how they feel. the care they show stays mainly between two people, as it should. they're sneaky and don't show their true selves right away. or so i'm guessing. i have yet to find out...


hehe, i like my paragraphs of nonsense. can you tell i miss writing?

things i learned today.

-just because five hours of sleep was enough to get me through a day of high school doesn't mean it can get me through a day of work in the summer.
-if it's almost 90 degrees outside, you really shouldn't walk around barefoot.
-you can break two wrists if you're running fast enough towards a solid, flat vertical surface otherwise known as a wall.
-thirteen year old boys are kinda, really annoying.
-life and conversations in tv are way more awesome than real life, particularly when it's in how i met your mother.
-you can do your best to be as helpful as possible but you won't always get recognition for it. to other people you're just doing what's expected of you.
-life sounds way more awesome in metaphor form.
-i really don't like me when i'm tan.

things you may not know.

1. i don't like driving. if i can avoid having to get behind the wheel, i will. unlike the rest of the teenage world, i didn't rush to get a license and a car right away. anyone who's sat in my passenger seat can tell you, without any hesitation, that i'm not good. i drive because i must get somewhere, not cause i want to.

2. even though i always tell people that i don't want kids, i know i will someday cause i secretly do. i'm just scared i'll be a bad parent. but i already know... two boys, one girl.

3. in my mind, i severely judge people who make obvious grammar mistakes. if you say "for free," any level of awesomeness you may have drops a notch or two. i have to really, really like you to overlook it and not let it drop.

4. i love getting mail. letters. packages. it's been about 7 months since i've actually received a real letter. but seriously, they could beat any perfectly worded text message or email any day.

5. i online shop. it's bad. 'nough said.

6. there are lots and lots of moments when i want to say, "this is a moment i want to ALWAYS remember. let's take pictures!" but the fear of looking like a fool kicks in, so i let the moment just pass me by. i take pictures of about 1/4 of the things i'd like to capture on film.

7. i really, really like to paint. i'm no good, and haven't done it in years. but i like it.

8. there are times, when i nap longer than i actually sleep at night.

9. i hear the disneyland fireworks at this VERY MOMENT. i wish so badly i could be watching them.



this was random and totally unnecessary.

with you,

i'll run away to the ends of the world.
but for now, let's hit up venice beach. :)

slip.

there are some people you can say absolutely anything to and not have to worry about the stupid things you say. there are others who you have to watch what you say around. but then there are those moments when you let something slip. and you sorta just gotta pretend like nothing ever happened. inside your head, you're screaming at yourself. why would you say that? don't be so careless. on the outside you attempt to play it off like you never said that at all.

and it actuality, you don't even know if saying those taboo words is even that taboo at all. but still...

i hate when i let things slip.

unimportant.

wake up, and it's already 11am. morning is practically gone and you're ready for lunch. you're waiting and waiting and waiting for a call, trying desperately to find something to do to pass the time. desperate enough to even clean your room. or start it, at least. finally you get the call and you wait some more.

hello.
shop.
food.
mix.
bake.
eat.
drive.
home.
visit.
talk.
sleep.

did that really happen?
is it possible for time to feel like it's going by too fast and too slow at the same time?
tuesday feels far.


i miss my old writing.

baggage.

i wonder..

people can forgive, but how often can they truly forget? i've made my mistakes and i've said my "i'm sorry's." i meant it when i told you how deeply sorry i was. i was aware of any pain i caused. i broke the promise of me finally being able to change for the better, for you.

you and i both watched as history repeated itself again and again.
"who's to say it won't happen again?"
no one.

i don't know if you could ever look past my mistakes. i wish so badly i could take away that baggage that will always hold this friendship back. all we can do in live in the now.

i had fun today.

foolish.

there are moments when life seems to hurt you in ways you never thought possible. there are mornings when you feel as though you just don't have the strength to get out of bed and face the terrible life you seem to be living. there are nights when you simply feel like crying yourself to sleep and wish only to wake up with a different reality. then there are the times when you look back at all of the mistakes you made at one point or another in your past and just laugh. sometimes that laughter takes only a few seconds, other times it may take months.

more recently, i've found myself looking back at the stupid mistakes i made and can't help but smile. i always feared the regret i would hold on to if i were to make any stupid mistakes. but with life being this good, there really is no need to regret. without the mistakes i've made and lessons i've learned, i would not be where i am today. i'd still be that naive, little girl searching for some kind of wisdom to make me more mature and give me a better outlook on life. when in reality, that shallow search for it is what held me back and forced me to keep that immaturity. i hid my foolish self behind what seemed to pass off as thoughtful prose.

though things may not necessarily be ideal, i'm pretty satisfied with life. i kinda like who i am. i'm living in the moment as best as i can.

the now is too good to spend it dwelling in the past.

"we're good together."

backseat laughter.

i haven't written in a while. i kinda miss it, but kinda don't. haven't really had time to think very much. life's been busy, but i don't mind. why am i awake right now?

life is pretty friggin good right now.
where's my bike??

where.

at about 6 am i sat on the basketball courts one last time and cried, in a rather pathetic fashion. suddenly everywhere i looked, some memory came rushing back. where the boy would play basketball practically every morning and subtly wave as i walked by. where portables once stood and i met the first friend i would make at this school. where we had our picnics practically every day at lunch. where we drove our cars up and watched a cartoon together one last time. where i would practice the sport i both loved and feared every day. where i watched a game in pjs my freshman year. where i learned to love. where i learned to hate. where i ran. where i played. where i wrote. where i listened. where i grew up.

i was never ready to leave.
i'm still not.

i know this isn't goodbye or necessarily an end.
i know the best is yet to come.

but still, i'll miss it.

realizations.

realizations come at random, different moments for different people. it can happen in car rides. it can happen when you stand in front of a mirror with your cap and gown on. it can happen when you look around and realize that you may never see the people sitting around you again. it can hit you when you look around and the memories of the last six years rush back from every where you look. it can happen when you take one final walk home.

how can you prepare for one moment for over half your life, only to let it slip past you? and as you mentally prepared yourself for the moment to come and the goodbyes to be said, none if it managed to sink in until it felt too late. i think it hurts because it doesn't feel real. i feel like i should still wake up and put on my polo shirt and walk to school like i have for the last six years.

i read a letter i wrote last year, saying that i was still a high school student. and that even though i may not like the administration or the subjects, i liked it because i felt incredibly safe. no matter how much i screwed up, it wasn't too bad. high school was a time for me to make mistakes and not let them get to me too much. i was jealous of that girl. i was so jealous of that girl who still had another year of high school to look forward to and live up to its fullest, while i just sat there with uncertainties of the future. and i realized all over again that i'm done with this part of my life.

i know my goodbyes aren't real goodbyes. i hope i never have to really say goodbye.
"never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."

i have the feeling that i'm gonna come across a lot of realizations all over again...

serendipity.

[ser-uhn-dip-i-tee]
-noun.
a fortunate accident.

i used to think that this kind of stuff could only happen in the the movies. that one movie in particular. being the hopeless romantic that i am, a part of me always hoped that something like this could someday come true. and though in the back of my mind i always searched for a moment of serendipity, i never truly believed it to be possible. it was simply too good to be true. such a coincidence couldn't actually happen in real life. the screenwriters didn't get what they wrote from real life. it was always just a figment of some person's imagination. i used to be cynically hopeful.

but it's wonderfully beautiful if you think about it. the idea of high school sweet hearts you find each other again years later and fall in love all over again. the idea of you walking into a used bookstore and finding one that belonged to your great grandfather. the idea of two college room mates who drift apart after decades only to randomly run into each other on the street. it's a nice thought at the end of the day.

you were the best accident i could've asked for...

pink milk.

i felt a strange, and very sudden need to cry today as i watched an old friend today in class. i felt incredibly inadequate as both a person and a friend. every good feeling i had in the past weeks disappeared for those few moments. and only those moments. those moments when tears filled my eyes, not because of some lame staring contest, but from an ineffable kind of hurt. every broken promise i made came back to mind. everything i said i wouldn't do, i did.

i felt very proud when i had no right to. there you stood just radiating greatness, when it wasn't even your peak.

you were the only person who really knew me, when i didn't know who i was or how the heck i would really make it in this world. you stayed with me in all the times i screwed up and gave me encouraging words again. i stared at my phone many times, telling myself i would call you and talk like we used to. but i was always too scared. i'm scared it's too late for me to go back and try to fix all that i messed up.

i'm fine again, but i can't help but think still. it's what i do.
you're leaving soon to a far better life.
i'm just a waste of time.

i miss charlie and lola.

risky business.

she told us that in order to get anything really worthwhile in life, you have to take risks. the bigger the risk you take, the greater reward. but there always lies the chance of that big risk coming back and hitting you hard. you never really know how things will turn out. you just gotta take the risk.

i never took any big risks in life. no matter what situation i came to, i would always take the safer route. any fear i had within me forced me to play it safe and know with certainty that my life would turn out okay in one way or another. any risk that i did end up taking, never really turned out in my favor by the end. i look around and see some of my closest friends with the most amazing futures and i asked myself what the heck i did wrong to not achieve that greatest. i know very well that they deserve every ounce of happiness they receive in the future. but i don't know if i'll be so fortunate. i never stood up for myself. i never showed my fullest capabilities or my fullest potential. i accepted that i would never be nothing more than average, and for that, the future i see before me is simply average.

i don't know how to make me not so scared of taking a risk and trying new things. how do you stop yourself from being scared of things just going so wrong? telling yourself that everything is will be all right just doesn't seem enough.

cease and desist.

some people have told me that all things must come to an end. i don't believe that. at least, i don't wish to believe it. there are some things that really must end, like high school, the pretty bouquet of flowers on the bookshelf, or your childhood.

but still, i do believe something things can last forever. like relationships. like trust. like faith. like love.

so many times it's seemed as though relationships were over. like the love that once existed could no longer continue. it must cease and desist. too often i feared it to be true, but i don't really believe that it's over. i hope it isn't over. true love shouldn't die that easily.

there's always a chance for that friendship to return. maybe not pick up exactly where things left off, but at least pick up. it may not happen anytime soon. it may not happen at all. but i will always hope, in the back of my mind and the deepest corners of my heart, that the friendship won't simply end. if it was real, it won't die. i have hopes that love is strong enough to keep it going. in the mean time, i'll wait. it'll test the patience i've never really had before. sorta just shows how much i want it.

some things can be forever if you let them be.

butterflies and the time space continuum.

you know how people say if you were to go back in time and kill just one butterfly, the entire future could be altered, either for the better or the worse? i still wonder whether or not my life would be different had i not said some things i said. or had i made different decisions. had i taken more chances. had i stood up for myself. had i apologized sooner.

if i were go to back and make a change, i wonder how things would turn out.
i fear i may always wonder. i'm curious in that way.

i am very happy with how my life is today.
i'm scared for the future.
i don't know if i would change the past if i had the chance if i had the chance though.
but i'm happy.

titles and lasts.

it makes me sad that it hasn't fully hit me that this is the beginning of all my lasts when it comes to high school. last high school rally tomorrow. last high school dance this saturday. last high school baseball game i'll see on friday. last chances to hang with my friends and the people i've come to love over these last six years. it's all too surreal that it doesn't feel real.

i never even really felt like a senior this year. as though, i'm gonna wake up two years younger any day now. the "title" never made me feel any more mature or any wiser or any more responsible. being a senior was always just a title for me. it never once defined me.

it's saddening.
and scary.
and just weird.

haha, i don't know how i feel right now.
i'm just babbling.

profound.

i wish i had something wise to ponder about or something incredibly profound to write about. but i do not.

when i'm happy, i have less to write about.
and less to think about.

because i'm just living in the moment.
and nothing else matters.

luck.

i really am lucky and grateful for all of the people in my life. especially the ones i've taken for granted. i do not deserve having them around.

para sarah.

:]

dear friend,

i wish only that i could say the right things and do the right things to make you smile. not one fake little smile at the stupid things i'm saying in my attempts to make you laugh. but a smile to show that you are truly happy and nothing could ever bring you down again.

i'm bad at it though.
i'm sorry.

sincerely,
kimly pv.

what is love?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails...." - 1 Corinthians 13:13

okay, okay. i admit that a part of me wants this recited at my wedding even though it has become incredibly cliche over the years and the rest of this post may very well change the interpretation of it. but heck, i don't care. it's pretty.

so long people have wondered what love is. i do. i know i've found it in my family and my friends. in new people i've met and the ones i lost. but still, there are moments throughout the day when i wonder if i truly understand love.

go back and replace each "love" with "God."
it's totally different.
but it works.

what is love?
God is love.

4U E DYD.

i saw the most interesting license plate today. i don't know why, but they manage to stand out to me.

can you imagine spending your whole life only to love someone else? how do you put someone else before yourself when they only manage to hurt you in one way or another? could you put aside all of your selfish thoughts and even your own happiness to make someone else happy? can you simply brush it off when someone who said things so cruel, it seemed to bring an all time low to your life at that moment? would you even want to forgive someone who never manages to forgive you, but only resents you and all that you do? if the moment came, would you be willing to die for the ones you love, even if they don't seem to love you back? do other people really appreciate you JUST the way you are?

i ask a lot of questions lately...
i hate being away from the place and people who give me answers.

"for you, He died."

wonder.

i still wonder about the boy who committed suicide on our school's field over six years ago and whether anyone still remembers (though class of 09 is the only class left who was there at the time). i still wonder about my first crush back in kindergarten and what the heck he is doing with his life these days. i still wonder if people can take me seriously or if they still see me as some timid littler girl who cannot manage to socialize. i still wonder whether or not he even cares anymore. i still wonder how my outlook on school and life would be if i had gone to a different school. i still wonder whether or not i made the right choices, and whether or not i'm making the right ones now. i still wonder whether i'm that friend in the group that people secretly hate and complain about when not around. i still wonder if she knew just how much i loved her and how i wished to simply take her pain away before she died.i still wonder what would have happened if i had told them how i felt years ago and whether or not our relationship would be different. i still wonder what happened to amelia earheart. i still wonder if crushes or infatuations really lead to any good. i still wonder if people will remember who i am ten years from now, and whether or not they will care. i still wonder if people can manage to forgive after months or years of being hurt.

life is hard, but life is good.

if someone had walked up to me four months ago and asked me to describe my life at this very moment, it probably wouldn't have been anywhere close to the way it is today (i love my run on sentences). even though life may not be exactly how i expected it, i'm still pretty happy. scratch that. i'm really happy. :]

this is the part where i would probably attempt some philosophical insight on how life can turn out okay even though you never believed it could. and how some people were right about me all along, though i was still right at the same time. and there were definitely times when i overreacted. but ... i think i'll choose to watch house instead.

life is good.

guard.

lifeguard. coast guard. point guard. rash guard. guard dog. crossing guard. security guard. body guard. national guard. shooting guard.

it's kinda feels nice to let your guard down a little once in a while...



so the american red cross called me asking me to go in and donate blood. it feels a little different when i decide to go out and donate on my own compared to when they're asking me for my blood. is it bad that i turned them down just cause i'm busy? it is...

grudge

n. : a feeling of ill will or resentment
v. : to give or permit with reluctance

i wonder how long you can hold a grudge against someone. but then i guess that depends on how terribly they treated you. i admit to holding many grudges. and today i've seen grudges that were born years ago, that i still hold inside me today. i also discovered my ability to let go of some as well. to just forget it, and remember that what's in the past is where it is. the past. why continue to let that get to you?

and then there's the time when you grudge through life when times are rough. and you sorta just deal with life in the most negative way possible. it's just felt like a waste of time, in all honesty.

i know i'm human. therefore, i'm far from perfect. i do hold grudges that i may keep with me for years. i also tend to be pessimistic. but if i try hard enough, i believe i can change for the better.
takes time.

talks.

i love the awkward talks. the conversations you have with someone you're first getting to really know. i mean, you may know of them, but it's those talks in which you first start to learn about the person. your talks with your closer friends are different because you're already so comfortable that you can sound stupid and it won't matter. but these awkward ones matter. they're the ones where you have to be incredibly careful with everything you say, cause first impressions really do make a difference. and you don't want to be the one looking like an idiot. the awkwardness may be incredibly subtle, or it may be totally out there. but you still look forward to them. cause they're fun.

you're careful.
and nervous.
and happy.
and just weird...

cause making new friends is kinda scary. but exciting.
cause you suddenly realize that there's still a whole world out there ready to be discovered. in everything, not just people.

hug!

little did you know how much it meant to be when you walked up to me with open arms, ready for a hug, and asked me if i was doing okay since i didn't look happy for a couple weeks. it was the first time we talked in a long time, and still, you never miss a thing.

there really are people out there who make the world a better place...

09 sunshine.

i never looked forward to senior year. not really. i was never as excited as everyone else to be the one of the upperclassmen. to, in some strange possible way, be supposedly looked up to by the little ones. whenever i look at all of the other senior classes in the past, they seemed so.. mature. everything was easy for them.

i still don't feel like a senior.

it wasn't easy for me this year.
it wasn't typical either.

it wasn't the senior year people told me it would be. i'm not excited to graduate. i'm not excited for college, not really. i'm not nostalgic or particularly frustrated with being treated like children. i do want to leave certain people behind, but i also want to hold on to those who took care of me and made me feel safe. it's different...

haha, but i do feel very much like a small, immature high schooler for writing this.

no where else to go.

i know i've written about this so much before. i guess the idea of it has always been a big part of my life. i've always let fear dictate my actions. somehow i would attempt to avoid such fears turning into realities, yet i would screw up in the process? and all at once, every fear that dominated my mind came true. some people just had bad timing proving my fear was right. other times it was me bringing it upon myself.

though my mind has blown up the last few weeks into something much worse than it actually is, life has more recently felt as though it's reached it's lowest. any effort i put into anything would mean absolutely nothing at all. words never seemed so empty. life was a lie. drastic, no?

but still, with that outlook on life in mind, it was like nothing could get any worse. the only way to go was up. and i looked at my life. with all the good. and with all the bad.

it's not that bad.
not ideal.
but not that bad.


a part of me will always want what i lost back. it will always be a part of me. and there will be times when i miss it terribly. but i'm okay.
it surprised me how okay i could be.

halt!

i can't help but think...

"the moment you leave high school, it's just gonna hit you in the face. you've grown so dependent on this romanticized idea of growing up in high school and maturing in how you look at life, in how you learn to love, in how you deal with the sh** you must someday go through. but you won't survive. not if you keep this mindset on how life works, in that immature way you look at things. you think you're wise now and you're gaining wisdom in the classrooms at school and your other friends? you know nothing. he was right. you may know about stuff, but you know nothing. it's fine. you'll fall. you'll fall a lot. but you'll get back up and learn. i can't wait for you to learn of the mistakes you've made. you deserve that shame you feel when you do realize it. but even worse, i pity you for all of the mistakes you won't ever learn from. cause the stubborn side of you will always think you are right. while the raw, cruel human side of me hopes you fall so hard and struggle so that you'll finally realize your mistakes, i do, with all my heart, wish you the best in life, full of joy, love, and laughter. good luck in life. you'll need it."

"lies."

so i was in my friends car on my way back to school, when i saw an old man with a beard holding a giant sign that just said something along the lines of "don't listen to the lies." "God doesn't accept you the way you are." and i got pretty angry at first. and then incredibly sad at the idea that anyone could ever feel this way...

He's my best friend.
i'll always have Him.

hearing you sing makes me ridiculously happy.
i've missed it.

aliteration.

i'm home!
and happy.
and hopeful.

and my plan to find a lot of 'h' words failed.
:]

what you make of it.

there are times when life just throws you down, and you feel as though you may never get up. nothing can ever seem good again. the smile on you face lingers only for a few seconds until reality hits you, and you fall right back down again. "it's okay" never sounded so much like a lie, and every action and step is only followed my more misery. nothing you do seems to fix the broken.

there are times when anything and everything manages to make you angry, bitter, and annoyed simultaneously. you know in your head that you shouldn't snap back at other people and that they couldn't possibly realize that their actions suddenly drive you crazy to the point where resentment forms. every one of their past mistakes replays in your mind and the unjustified hatred grows stronger.

there are times when you manage to mess up. no matter how hard you try, the situation only gets worse and you question your own worth. your own capabilities. you lose all motivation you ever had in your life. your whole future can seem to crumble with one simple sentence. one simple phrase. it doesn't seem fair, but somehow you know you brought this upon yourself fromm the very start.

it's those times...
when you can lose hope.
when you can get angry.
when you can give up.

don't.
life's what you make of it.
it can suck.
or it can be amazing.
you have a lot more power over it than you think.
life's what you make of it.
(a lot harder said than done.)

peeves.

note: i probably come off as somewhat hypocritical in some of these. somewhat.

1. spelling things weird on purpose.
people go to school only to spell words incorrectly on purpose when talking to friends? i understand when people use u if they're just lazy. but to go out of their way to talk to friends and to talk like dis and type yooh instead of you? rawr. type like that as much as you want just not to me. thank you, big brother, for stopping it early in 7th grade.

2. racial jokes.
okay, i'm a huge hypocrite for this. though i know people joke around about their own race, as i do sometimes, it can still hurt. there are just moments when you know a person is obviously joking around and by no means believes what comes out of his mouth. but those other moments when a person has the tone of humor, but you know they sincerely mean the insult behind the joke. its those moments. "gosh, i hate asians! but not you, kimly. you're different. you don't count." yes, i do. i'm very proud of who i am and where my family comes from. a stereotype does not truly define a group of people. i may not show it, but in those moments, a part of me does hurt. i do lose respect for you. i do take offense.

joshua.

i'm off to stay in a desert for a few days!
goodbye civilization.
i shall miss thee.
especially you, blogger.

the Lord is risen!

Alleluia, alleluia.

it's a good day for the world.
i can feel it.

have faith.

"world is your oyster."

good friday.

"for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." john 3:16.

on the bottom of every yellow bag from forever21, there's a bible verse. "for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son..." i think it only makes sense that the creator of my favorite clothing store would choose my favorite line from the bible.

every year on good friday, i get weird. though it always marks the beginning of spring break, i don't share the same happiness and carefree feeling i see on the faces of every other student walking out of class when the last bell rings. i hear people complain of their inability to eat meat, and i admit to sometimes be one of them. other critics ask why friday? why no meat? what kind of sacrifice is that? should i really have to justify my actions to others? i don't think so. but i will. personally, it's a time to give up a little something i've always taken for granted. because He gave up so much more.

there is no time in the entire year when i feel His love more than today. to die in pain feeling as though His own Father has forsaken Him. to give up His life to a world who pushed Him away. who am i to deserve that?

i'm scared of my ability to take such love for granted.
i'm hurt at the thought of Him dying, yet i know how the story ends.
i'm sad that the world can be so cruel.
i'm loved when i don't deserve it.
i'm weird at this time every year.

life is hard.

but life is good.

everything happens for a reason, and God has brought me to every situation in my life with a purpose. though it may not be exactly what i had planned these last few years, i trust Him to take care of my when i don't know how to take care of myself.

i have so, so much to be grateful for. surround yourself with people who remind you of that. people who love you. people who want to remind you of this at least twice every hour. people who make you so incredibly happy that you have no other desire but to thank God for such a wonderful person in your life.

it's been a tough, rather confusing two weeks.
life is hard,but life is good.

note to self:

- carry an extra pair of flip flips when wearing "nice" shoes.
- always look both ways.
- finish packet of papers for training.
- figure out if you're supposed to do something on the 4th.
- birthday presents! (wrap them.)
- focus on your homework. ironic, i know.
- exercise is good for you.
- if you finish the milk at night, there won't be any left for breakfast.
- cleaner room means better chi.
- take some time to relax, if at all possible.
- practice!
- don't give up. you know you're a lot better than you think yourself to be. you just gotta believe it.

chalk.

i wish every day was chalk day.
(no, that's not a picture of me.)

ignorance.

i wonder...

would it be better going to school each day not knowing about the frustrations and problems going on with the teachers and administration, who should be taking care of you when they can barely take care of themselves, or not even notice? would you be happier being friends with someone who secretly despises certain aspects of you and actually resent you for it, or find a new friend? would you prefer looking up to certain people your entire life, or learn that their actions have destroyed the lives of people you love? would you want to go on through life knowing someone hated you, making you feel uncomfortable whenever they are around or even mentioned, or would you rather remain unaware and oblivious to said hate?

most people may choose to know the truth. but when the situation arrives and said truth becomes some knawing factor that forever lingers in the back of their mind, will they still want it? i've learned of so much hate and so much hurt, i wonder if my outlook on life would be any different if i had just remained in the dark.

just a thought...

hugs.

"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it."- Waitress.

i missed this.

life is hard, but life is good.

"life is hard, but life is good." fr. sparks.

i firmly believe in every word i write, mainly because of the power of your words. i wrote about this once in a paper a little less than a year ago, but i'll share a bit of it once more. words carry a strange sense of power people often take for granted whether it be spoken, written, or in this case, typed. once shared with another person, they can never be taken back, no matter how hard you try. you can't erase pen, just like you can't erase any emotion you bring about in another person after speaking to them, whether it be anger, hurt, sadness, or joy. they're effects linger for a very long time, possibly even forever. they're permanent. words carry power, and these days i find myself thinking over very carefully each sentence i speak. so to not believe if your own words is a dangerous thing. whether or not i can follow my own words is a different story...

life is hard, but life is good. often times whenever people come across some kind of hardship, the first thing they do is vent. that's stage one. why is this happening to me? why did i deserve this? everything is going wrong no matter how hard i try. this isn't gonna end well and quite frankly, it's not getting any better. why can't i, just this once, get what i want?

and after all of this venting is done and gone, people tend to hang on to this little ounce of hope left. whether it's hanging on by the bare tips of your fingers or the last thread left on that rope, people look for any hope they have left for things to get better. and what's so bad with that? hope is a good thing. but some times, it holds them back from moving on. that's stage two.

stage three deals with the final outcome. when you takes a step back, and realize that everything is all right. this is probably the hardest stage to reach, mainly because the outcomes, though not necessarily bad, aren't exactly what you had in mind. they may not even be close to what you actually want, but that's just how they are. and you come to this acceptance and move on. you, in fact, are blessed with so much more than you think you deserve. and in the end, once you hit this stage you realize something...

life is hard, but life is good.
i firmly believe in my words above and that through most of the hard times in my life, these are probably the three steps i will have to go through. whether or not i would be able to get through them today is an entirely different story.

burns.

when i was about four or five, i learned the magic of a hot glue gun. how did that weird stick suddenly turn to goo? sadly, it sorta took a tangible lesson to learn the where the "hot" came in for "hot glue gun." let's just say it resulted in my touching the hot gooey substance and a very painful index finger.

i somehow did not manage to believe my dad when he said that the glue would just come off easily once it dried. now i don't know what exactly proceeded the touching, but the final result was not simply a little burn and a pained finger, but me losing a whole chunk of skin off my finger where the glue once was.

ever since then, almost every encounter i've had with a hot glue gun resulted in a burn of some sort, big or small. i was reminded of that today.

"beware the ides of march."

i lack catharsis.
should've listened to that soothsayer.

unnoticed.

i wonder if i've written about this before. i probably have, but here's a second go at it.

i've come to realize that the hardest changes are the ones that people don't necessarily notice. if you get a haircut or decide to walk places instead of driving, others are bound to notice. hence, you are most likely to talk about said change with another person, gaining a sense of support in the process. but there are changes a person has to make that will most likely seem unnoticeable to the rest of the world.

the change you do alone. there are times in your life where you find yourself going through struggles that other people basically can't help you with. sometimes people feel it when clearing out the messages in your phone, throwing out some old letters, or taking down a picture that once hung by your bed. it's this letting go, not simple of a memory you once held but also a part of yourself. erasing these memories is like erasing your past. now i fully understand that this process may be a complete healing process for some. but me, i'm different. i've kept my letters since the age of 8 and i'm not about to start now. so the letters, photos, ticket stub, etc. all go in a shoebox tucked some place that may be unseen by strangers but always noticed by me. you may say i'm holding myself back from moving on with my life, for me, i'm holding on to the memories i still treasure that once made me so ridiculously giddy. why throw that away?

a lot goes unnoticed, whether it's a change or a lack thereof. (i feel as though i'm totally going off my main topic.) i'm not ready for the changing of myself that secretive change unnoticed by the rest of the world because, in all honesty, it's too hard. so on the surface, i'll smile, laugh, dance and sing. but inside i think my feelings will go unchanged. someday, years from now, i'll go back to that box and remember every smile each item brought to my face.

i miss taking pictures.

they looked like mini yellow daisies, so naturally i fell in love. someday, i'm gonna have my own house with a beautiful garden full of daisies of all different colors. but the yellow ones will secretly be my favorite, just don't tell the other ones i said that.

i really am lucky to have the friends i have.

proof.

i think one of my greatest goals in life is to prove people wrong. i hate, HATE when people are right about me. well, not so much the good qualities, but the bad ones. have you ever tried to look at yourself the way other people look at you? the best friend. the loved ones. the semi, close friends. the distant friends. the teachers. the parents. the strangers. the boss. the peers. it's all different. and somehow, some of the manage to learn more about you than you ever thought there was to learn. or worse, they find out about one of your greatest flaws that you just want to hide from the world. and you just want to prove to them that this flaw is just a fluke. it'll pass. or, more wishfully, you think they're wrong. your mind tells you this lie, but your gut knows the truth. so on you go, trying to rid yourself of this flaw, but you are fully of aware that said person knows of this flaw. and you focus on that fact. no matter how hard you try, the fact that this person knows your vulnerability just gets to you, leading to your ultimate demise.

well this is my struggle, and thus, this is my goal. to prove people wrong. i can be what i want and you need. just give me a chance to prove it.

if you're in, i'm in.

"Kids, there comes in a time in your life when you find yourself making what may be the biggest decision of your life. And if you know, deep down inside, you heart is telling you to go down a path which may ultimately be a mistake, turn your brain off. Just turn your brain off and listen to your heart. It's best friends with your gut. In the end, it may be a mistake, but at least you can look back on life without any "what if's." You make that mistake, learn from it, and go on with your life. Sometimes, you gotta make that mistake."
-past Kimly
nov. 17, 2008
I lied. I do like the advice I wrote to myself months ago. Some of it at least. I was blinded for a while, and may very well still be just as blinded today. Still...I don't like the person I've become these last few months, and there are still a number of things I wish I never did. But I'm starting to realize who I want to be. I don't want to be someone who's lived her life and made every decision based on some kind of fear that resided in me at one point or another.

Life is full of uncertainty. You don't know which one of your friends may suddenly get seriously injured in a car accident or whether or not your girlfriend will leave you. You can live through this constant fear of things not going as planned. If you do, you'll never take a chance. Don't constantly relive the pain you felt in the past and do not dwell in the potential hurt you fear may come in the future. Live now. Figure out what you want and get it. Don't let what others may think stop you. Never let someone else stop you from being happy. Never. I believe wholeheartedly that you, dear friend, deserve a world of happiness.

sorry.

when you were three and you just finished your dinner, your mom tells you to go put your dirty dish next to the sink. your hands are small and the grip is not so great. so you're walking, quite content with a belly full of food and out of no where, you hear a shatter. you look down and you're surrounded by a million ceramic shards. tears form in your eyes, not yet ready to stream down your face, but on the cusp. you look up to your mom and just say sorry over and over again til the nothing else to say. she picks you up, gives you a hug, and chuckles a little.

when you were eight, you played catch with your neighbor from across the street. the kid was a little weird, but whatever, it was decent company. so on you go playing until suddenly he thinks of himself as a pro baseball player and decides to chuck the thing. now naturally your main fear would be to not get hit, but seeing as the ball went straight towards your parents bedroom window, it was a bit different. and for some strange reason, the only thing you can think to do... is run. so off you run until dad, incredibly mad, catches up to you. after about five minutes of screaming he stops, and all you say is sorry. what more is there? his expression changes, and you know everything is all right.

when you were sixteen, you find yourself in a new school taking tests that seem abnormally hard. you study for hours, but when the math test lands on your desk, you're just staring at a page of nothing. you do your best, but it's not enough. the test comes home and your mom is mad. really, really mad. you say your sorry's and that you did your best. she's frustrated, but knows you're sincere, so all is forgiven. there's still next time.

now you're an adult. eighteen. you've made your mistakes and you've done some of the most stupid things possible. you still don't really think about your consequences until it's too late. after all, you're still human. but you feel so much less. so much smaller. so much more vulnerable. you've grown and you've learned. and now you know, sometimes sorry just isn't enough anymore.

(i'm emo. sorry.)

regrets.

"there's only us. there's only this. forget regret or life is your's to miss." - rent.

there's only two things in life i think i may truly regret thus far in life.

the first involves me agreeing to play cowboys and indians when i was four years old, which resulted me in crying for a good thirty minutes after getting punched in the face by little punk who lived across street.

the second is number one x 17. maybe more.

pb&j.

the thing about peanut butter is it's particularly sticky. annoyingly sticky at other times. attempting to get attached to everything it comes across from the jar, to the knife, to the toasted slice of bread. but there's one thing that will forever be resistant to peanut butter. jelly. doesn't matter what kind. strawberry. grape. raspberry. (i don't know if a raspberry jelly exists, but i just needed a third flavor. weird spelling...) no matter how much peanut butter tries to stick to jelly, the jelly always slides off and eventually oozes out of the sandwich if it can't stand being around the peanut butter anymore. so the peanut butter just says, "what the heck, jelly? why won't you stick with me?" and jelly says, "why would i want to? i'm my own ingredient." they argue a little, and then that's it. so why do the two supposedly go well together?

as different as the two seem, peanut butter and jelly really do make a perfect match. pb&j. it's like fate. they really are two opposites, but they work. it's been proven by a little dancing banana. i wonder if the rest of life could turn out so well...

week of reds.

"holly: you know those days when you get the mean reds?
paul: the mean reds... you mean like the blues?
holly: no, the blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's raining too long, you're just sad that's all. the mean reds are horrible. suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. do you ever get that feeling?
paul: sure.
holly: well when i get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to tiffany's. calms me down right away. the quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. if i could find a real life place that'd make me feel like tiffany's, then...then i'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!"
-breakfast at tiffany's

**i think the sad part is that jewelry probably would make me feel a little better whenever i have the reds. that and watching this movie. but no really, diamonds may very well be one of my greatest weaknesses.

acceptance.

everyone's getting into college.
i haven't yet.
i want one.
just one and i'll be fine.




congratulations, jeffrey, for getting into byu. i never once doubted you, but was always proud of you. we talked about you going since forever ago. 8th grade. we grew up too fast...

when i was a kid...

when i was a kid, the only reason my mom could get me to eat a carrot was because i loved taking a huge bite into and saying "what's up, doc?" i would watch cinderella religiously and wished the little birds could dress me too when i woke up every morning. when i was a kid, i thought my brothers and i were like animaniacs. lemonade stands were a summer tradition, where us kids easily racked in $150 in about two days. my neighbor would take me up on her roof just to eat lunch. super mario and paperboy were the only two video games i truly loved. when i was a kid, i was fearless on the jungle gym hanging upside down 10 feet off the grounds and crawling across the monkey bars. (tell me to do that today, and i will probably just laugh at you.) show and tell wasn't that great because other people alway brought in better things than me. when i was a kid, sour gummy worms were the best. my dad would be able to bribe me or cheer me up just by giving me orange tic tacs. my brother and i would try to take on my dad and wrestle on the bed, but we'd always lose. when i was a kid, the kids in my neighborhood and i would put on a musical shows for all of the neighbors. the only song i remembered was twinkle twinkle little star. when i was a kid, the only ice cream my dad would ever buy was neopolitan, and since my brother's favorite flavor was strawberry but he hated chocolate, i would only get chocolate with a little sneak of strawberry. when i was a kid, the only thing to stress out over was if there was a news report, and i couldn't watch my cartoons. but it was never anything chocolate or strawberry milk couldn't fix.

i would love to go back in time, just for a day. back when i was a kid.

i think...

life is too short for wasted emotions. to be angered. to be jealous. to be annoyed. to be disappointed. to be depressed. to be misunderstanding. you find a fault and focus on the bad in life, to the point where said faults consume your mind and suddenly nothing else matters. you place yourself in a rather awkward state, and forget about everything and everyone else.

you don't realize how much you hurt other people in the process. you focus on your own wants and your own needs. and you become dangerously selfish in the process.

stand back and just take a look. you may realize that life is good. life is grand. it may not turn out exactly the way you would like, but it works none the less. your friends would die for you. your family sacrifices theirs lives for you. life is actually full of love and an endless number of people who would be more than willing to share some happiness with you.

take a look. you really are lucky to be alive today.

words of wisdom.

This coming Valentine’s Day I invite you to love YOURSELF as much as you love your family or boyfriend or cat or vibrator or whatever. Treat yourself to a new empowering lifestyle. Be the change you wish to see. Try a colonic. Try a yoga class. Get a massage. Go see a movie by yourself. It doesn’t have to be huge, just as long as you break from your routine and REALLY TREAT YOURSELF. Make it feel special. The joy you’ll experience will radiate from your pores and affect everyone you know. I promise.

Love & Light in All Ways,
-jason

first the worst.

second the best.
bull.




i'll always be second.
seconds SUCKS.
so does calculus.
it makes me bitter.

i want to...

i want to travel through europe.
i want to graduate high school.
i want to finally drive.
i want to be the kind of friend i would want.
i want to be a good daughter to my parents.
i want to be the one you turn to when you're sad.
i want to make you laugh again.
i want to make your lost dreams come true.
i want to eat some jello.
i want to return everything i've borrowed from people.
i want to not worry about the future.
i want to go through with all of the plans we make.
i want to watch the clouds roll by.
i want to always stay as happy as i am when you're around.
i want to go to the beach.
i want to be remembered as a good person.
i want to get a fisheye camera.
i want to go on a road trip.
i want to reread all the harry potter books again.

sleep.

sleep does wonders on a person's mood in a 12 hour period, especially when 10 of those hours involved the actually sleeping part. suddenly the things that drove your mind crazy the night before don't matter any more. or in fact, maybe the sleep helped you realize that accepting it is far better than changing something you can't change. suddenly the world looks a little bit brighter and you just want to smile.


i should never deprive myself of this much sleep again ...

acceptance.

hello self,

it's time for me to accept things for the way they are. i know sometimes it won't make me very happy. and there will be times i'll be frustrated and want to cry. but, baby, that's life. worrying so much about things i really don't have control over will just make me miserable. it's useless misery. life will be life. and life will go on.

now this doesn't mean i should simply stop going after what iwant. it just means i need to realize some things are out of my hands. i can't change how a person feels or their every action. that's not how things work. let God take the load of stress off life and things should get better.

love always,
kimly pv.


i'm done being the only one left chasing. i'm done chasing...

to no end.

today, though a day i dreaded for this last was week, was for you. no matter where i went and no matter what i said, you, wonderful person, were always on the back of my mind. you are the greatest person i have ever met thus far in life. i have no doubt that no person i ever meet in this lifetime can ever surpass how wonderful you are. no person could ever hate you. you took in children who weren't even your own and made the craziest sweaters ever. you were happy when i told you i wanted to be a doctor cause then i would be able to take care of you (i'm sorry that the likeliness of that is .. terrible. just terrible.) i've never seen you angry. i've never seen you sad. i'm glad that i never will.

i've decided to only smile whenever i think of you. no more tears or pain at the thought of you being gone. you don't deserve tears. or a frown of any kind. you deserve my most ridiculous smile and most embarassing laugh. you brought a happiness and love to my childhood, and for that i will always be grateful. i love you to no end, with no questions, no doubts, and no regrets.

i thought i was supposed to say goodbye.
but quite frankly, i refuse.
i'll see you later.

what to do...

what do you do when it's almost 2am in the morning and each tick of the bathroom clock reminds that you're just that much close to waking up to a morning you know won't make you happy? what do you do when the romance of life seems to twindle away? what do you do when you find that the people you were once able to turn to, or even talk to, when life doesn't seem right suddenly seem unapproachable? what do you do when look you at the past and realize it might've screwed up your future? what do you do when, no matter how much you don't want to admit it, you realize he was right all along and you really may have lost him for good this time? what do you do when a person from the past wants to make themselves the present, but they're the last person you want, and in fact, the one person you do want is not really there? what do you do when you constantly have the feeling of deprevation deep inside but you can't, no matter how much searching, find what it is? what do you do when you find yourself becoming a person you don't want to be? what do you do when jealousy starts to creep its way into your mind, and stays no matter how hard you fight it? what do you do when you want to tell someone that you feel ignored but don't want to, mainly because returned feelings would seem fake? what do you do?

smile...
and realize, life will be okay.

i want to write.

but not about books.
books are meant to be read.
i don't believe they are meant to be written about.

i'm probably approaching my paper all wrong.
i'm very ready to just start ranting in the paper.
instead of analyzing.
at least i'll get some amusement out of it.

i want to write...
about my expectations in life.
about falling in love.
about the joys of youth.
about the frustrations of everything and nothing.
about my adventures to nowhere.
about the amusement of friends.

but not about books.

into the wild.

i wake up to the sounds of my phone's ever-so obnoxious alarm at 500am exactly. the previous night's dose of nyquil still lingers, and i know that life in 3 hours won't ever feel quite as warm as it does now. but this is a day i've been planning for weeks and it'll get better. so i drag myself out of bed and pull on the warm clothes i hung the night before. teeth are brushed. bags are packed. let's hit the road.

i pull up to a familiar building with beautiful golden arches and even more beautiful hash browns waiting for me inside. it's dark. it...will be open at 530, or so says the teenage employee that just stepped out for some fresh air. i glance at the clock on the dashboard. 530. what lies... food is out and we're off to pick up the others.

it's late. we speed. we make it with time to spare.
we're ready. we leave. off on the road again with an attempted nap or two.

so up we go on a hike, and the trail is slippery...i can't help but want to just lay on the white fluff and make a snow angel. right there and then without a care what others may think. but it's cold so i keep walking instead. the trails get tougher and my legs more tired. but i'm happily dig my hand into the not so fresh snow and make my first snowball ever. the toss wasn't perfect... but it made a nice sound.

there are a few slips. a few falls. and tumble here or there.
we're scared. we leave. we SLIDE.

(this is the good life.)

we're back. we eat. we hike some more.
snow! snow! the good kind.
there's a toss. there's a fall. there's snow everywhere.
adults prove to be far more immature than children could ever be.
this was a snow fight at its greatest.
dare i say it? it was legendary.
we talk. we laugh. we live life.

food is good, rice is magnificent. it's a feast right on the cold asphalt with flip flops and snow. songs were sung. embarrassing videos captured the memories for good. regret will probably come later but the driver and head passenger didn't seem to mind. bless them for that.

the hike wasn't quite what i expected, but the company sure as hell was good. memories that will last a lifetime and friendships which will last even longer. tonight will be one of those nights. a night where i can look back on my day and know i lived life to the absolute fullest, without a single care about the outside world.

i'm back to civilization, but it was nice...to see what it's like to go into the wild.

buckle up.

it's gonna be a long week.

mixed up resolutions.

um... yeah. why not? resolutions and random thoughts.

1. exercise more. (& actually stick to it)
2. spend less money... debit cards are dangerous. i should really cut mine up.
3. appreciate what i have.
4. rely on God more. let Him take care of me, in good times and in bad times.
5. (i always wanted to be witty. it would make communication far more fun i think. can you make yourself witty? i feel like that kills the whole point of it...)
6. clean room! keep it that way.
7. stay more organized in life.
8. get more self-motivated.
9. follow through with stuff.
10. don't let stupid people control me so much. (it's okay if someone out there doesn't like you.)
11. make my relationships last. all of them.
12. (fog is a scary thing. so are possums.)
13. (face paint is a jerk.)
14. read more.
15. focus more in school. (it's gonna be the death of me.)
16. muuuusic.

that's it for now... i can improve so much more. but i lack clear thinking at the moment. it's late.

antsy.

can't sleeeeeep.
there's rarely ever a christmas eve where i can.


do you ever come across a moment where should make a wish...
at 11:11.
or on a shooting star.
or when a penny is tossed into a fountain.
or with birthday candles.

but you're so happy, you find that you don't need a wish.
life is too good.
(it's very dumbledore-like in harry potter.)


you make me that happy.

man, it's late.

i've come to the conclusion that no matter how hard life seems or how many times i question myself as a person, i am lucky.

random.

1. my room tends to be cleaner during times when i have tests because i usually choose to clean as a form of procrastination.
2. blogging is another form of procrastination.
3. as healthy as it may be for me and as much as i've tried to drink it, i don't like tea.
4. giving presents to people is the funnest thing EVER.
5. shopping for them is also fun.
6. i don't know when this change occured within me, but i fear i've grown rather materialistic and have grown to really, really enjoy shopping.
7. i think it's dangerous and should probably try to quit.
8. calculus and i will NEVER be friends.
9. chemistry is just my enemy.
10. i LOVE the rain. i could walk around in it for hours at a time. it's just so much fun to jump around in puddles and feel five again.
11. sadly, i don't own enough warm clothes for this frightfully cold weather.
12. tonight made me miss volleyball.
13. one of my worst flaws is that i never finish reading the majority of the books i come across.
14. my ability to focus is greatly lacking.
15. i'm pretty bad when it comes to planning events.

9 heartaches.

there are nine times when your heart hurts. there's the time when you're frightfully nervous for what's to come, whether it be a performance in front of a big audience or your first day at a new job. your heart pounds harder than normal and your trembling hands seem to be noticeable to all. there's the time when it physically hurts because you ate too much fried chicken for dinner that night and heartburn decides to kick in. there's the time when a numbing feeling in your left arm follows the pain in your heart. i suggest calling 911 in this case. there's the time right after you've sprinted a hundred meters, far too fast for your own good. there's my personal favorite when you think of that one person who's mere existence makes life seem that much better. the one who seems to occupy your first thoughts as you wake each morning and the last of them each night. this is a physical pain in your heart, but it's a good kind of hurt. it makes you realize that you really aren't dreaming, and you sorta wish it lasted just a few seconds longer. there's the time when you're so disappointed, your heart seems to sink and somehow finds itself in your stomach. there's the time when you feel so heartbroken, your heart seems split in two and you find yourself looking for tape or glue to put it back together. without some form of mending, your heart feels dysfunctional and would only work with gallons of ice cream in you. there's the time when you're so excited the adrenaline in you makes your heart beat three times too fast for it's own good. you've found something good in life and you find yourself wanting more. and finally, there's the worst time. the one when you lose something so dear to you that your heart becomes strange to you. it beats as normal to remind you that you're still living, yet feels rather like a rock in your chest that you just want to be rid of. it's the one where you know life won't quite be the same, yet its continual beats tell you that you must move on, though how long it will take is not quite clear.

no matter what kind of heartache you feel, one solution that seems to always work is time. impatience may seem like your shadow, but still, time really does help.

i'm ready...

to celebrate my birthday. so i'm a tad bit late...

so, friends, life will be life. through tearful moments and the ones full of hugs. life will be life. i'm grateful to friends who have stood by me in times when all i wanted was to be alone. i'm grateful to Him for giving me the wonderful people who support me and the strength i need to get through the day. i'm grateful to him for being the first happy birthday text. i'm grateful to her for being understanding. i'm grateful to him being there for me to go first when nothing could come but tears. i'm grateful to her for bringing me starbucks and a hug late at night. i'm grateful to him for making me WANT to celebrate my birthday again. i'm grateful to her for still being there for me even when it seems we are so far apart. i'm grateful to him for reminding me that i really am stronger than i think that that life will be okay. i'm grateful to him for making me laugh again, something only he could do today.

life will be life. i have a pretty big group of people who will help get me through it.

well done.

"sometimes i don't understand why i thought that i had all the time in the world to go and see you awhile for just a little while.

too caught up in my own life, i didn't see the pain you hid with a smile. and now you're not here with me. shoulda been, coulda been, woulda been, alright...

wish i knew how to turn back the hands of time, cause maybe then i'd be here by your side. wish that i had done just a little more. wish that i could see you one more time, but i know that God holds your life. your battle is finally won and he said well done. my faithful servant, well done.

too many times in our lives do we take things for granted. i don't understand it, no. when its right in front of our eyes thinking they would be here for all times.

wish i knew how to turn back the hands of time, cause maybe then i'd be here by your side. wish that i had done just a little more. wish that i could see you one more time, but i know that God holds your life. your battle is finally won and he said well done. my faithful servant, well done."

dear grandma, well done.

"smile, kimly. it's your birthday."

if someone had walked up to me years ago and told me that the last few hours of my childhood would also be the most miserable ones of it, i would've called them a damn liar and a thief. i would've been wrong.

i lied when i said i was just tired or getting sick...

countdown.

there are nine days left of my childhood. it doesn't feel like it... i'm not particularly excited. or sad. in like three days i'll get all moody and nostalgic and ish. people won't want to be around me, but they'll put up with my anyway cause they're friends. and that's what friends are for... (thanks for putting up with me.)

"how old are you?"
"umm...18"
weird.

ps. i still don't know why i wore an a feather on my head like an indian for my birthday ...
pss. i had the cooest haircut EVER.

somewhat.

[19:06] theoneknowitall: you're reasonably cool

best compliment EVER.

charlie v. lucy

it's like you think i'm lucy and you're charlie brown. and the football is tempting you. and history told charlie brown that he shouldn't kick that stupid ball, but he somehow believes lucy everytime and lands on his arse. i'm not lucy.

even you said pirates never give up. and i'll be damned if this pirate gives up on us.

rain fall.

this is the best possible sound for me at 12 45 am. someone told me that i seem like the type of person to like rain. i love love love it. there are puddles to be splashed in...

i miss...

i miss my youth. i miss my elementary school friends. i miss watching animaniacs every afternoon. i miss my stuffed animals that kept me company at the foot of my bed every night. i miss innocence. i miss getting rewarded for reading my harry potter books. i miss the lack of responsibility. i miss going to my aunt's every year for thanksgiving. i miss my uncle. i miss the feeling of security. i miss covering the driveway with chalk scribbles. i miss not having to worry about future. i miss not having to think about money issues. i miss eating pizza rolls for lunch almost every day. i miss my old lunch box. i miss getting amazing grades. i miss recess. i miss walking around with my old friends and just talking for what felt like eternity when in actuality it was less than fifteen minutes. i miss when we would walk everywhere instead of relying on the automobile. i miss not knowing how mean man can be. i miss being naive about stuff. i miss how the perfect love story was defined by cinderella. i miss when our only homework was to color. i miss what felt so comfortable. i miss when my whole family still lived at home. i miss you. i miss flying half way across the country every summer. i miss my old white walls that i would secretly doodle on. i miss the innocent imagination i once had. i miss the carefree childhood. i miss reading winnie the pooh and doctor seuss before bed instead of my government textbook. i miss what i thought you and i could be.

i wonder.

what life would be like if the only form of affection was through hugs. would you give more and just share it with the world or less and savor each one to make it that much more special?

best.

nothing can ever match this. nothing.

mistake.

"Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway." - How I Met Your Mother.

Some people may disagree, but here goes...

Kid tries to tie shoe laces.
Kid makes one too many loops.
Kid is confused but doesn't want to ask for help.
Kid is left with nothing but a huge knot.
Kid learns.
Kid tries again.

In life there are times when you know you are just making the worst decisions ever, and yet, you continue with your actions, knowing that you may someday regret it years later. Heck, you may even regret it the following week. So why do you make that mistake in the first place? Why do people put themselves into situations, when a part of them knows that they will mostly not like the outcomes?

My whole life, I've over thought practically every major decision in my life, even the little ones. The constant fear of what the outcome may be has held be back, as I constantly worried that things won't go as planned. It was, in some ways, the safe route. It was, in more ways, the stupid route. To hold back from what you really want, is to lie to yourself. A person can live an entire lifetime without ever fulfilling their dreams in order to have that safer, more guaranteed life. But at what expense? Sure, things may turn out all right for them. But what if it doesn't?

Kids, there comes in a time in your life when you find yourself making what may be the biggest decision of your life. And if you know, deep down inside, you heart is telling you to go down a path which may ultimately be a mistake, turn your brain off. Just turn your brain off and listen to your heart. It's best friends with your gut. In the end, it may be a mistake, but at least you can look back on life without any "what if's." You make that mistake, learn from it, and go on with your life. Sometimes, you gotta make that mistake.

all you need is love.

i wonder...if the words "i love you" can be said too much. or maybe too soon? now i know the beatles were right in saying that all you need is love, but how do you know if it's real or not? i do believe that the words can be used too much. it's been built up in songs and movies to the point where people may think they understand what it's like to love someone. and it is not their fault or necessarily a bad thing. i just think people love the idea of having that one special person in their life more than the person themself, not that i'm saying this love is fake. but love cannot happen overnight. as much as a hopeless romantic i may be, i do not believe in love at first sight. but above all things i do believe in love. in certain situations, i believe the words used far too liberally, yet in this hateful world we've come to know, the words are not said enough. i'm contradicting myself... i don't know how to explain it.

BUT
i do believe in love.

i believe in love for God. i believe in love for parents. i believe in love for siblings. i believe in love for friends. i believe in love for dogs or cats or turtles. i believe in love for music. i believe in love for a stranger. i believe in love for that one other person. i believe in love for food. i believe in the love people write songs about. i believe in the love supposedly only found in movie. i believe in the fumbling over the right words kind of love. i believe in the everlasting love. i believe in the 'i-love-you-so-i-must-let-you-go' love. i believe in the uncertainty of love. i believe in excitement of love and the simple joy of love. i believe in heartbreaking love. i believe in young love and old. above all things i believe in love.

infinite playlist.

1. your song - elton john
2. sunday morning - maroon 5
3. oh, it is love - hellogoodbye
4. hands down - dashboard confessional
5. i just want you - aj rafael
6. greatest story ever told - oliver james
7. all you need is love - the beatles
8. lemonade - passion
9. gentlemen don't - gabe bondoc
10. i'm yours - jason mraz
11. your eyes - rent
12. everything - michael buble
13. the way you look tonight - frank sinatra
14. can't help falling in love - elvis presley
15. more than anyone - gavin degraw
16. anyone else but you - moldy peaches
17. all my life - kci & jojo
18. more than words - extreme
19. you are the sunshine of my life - stevie wonder
20. this is promise you - nsync

there's more... i just can't think right now.
guaranteed.

i feel it in my fingers.

the holidays are coming! thanksgiving. birthday. christmas. as much as i love summer freedom, i truly do love this time of year. there's something different about it. there's a sense of together-ness in it all. it's nice to go back to watching the same holiday movie favorites. and snuggling up under a freakishly thick layer of blankets with creepy toe socks. and drinking hot cocoa. making wishlists and shopping lists for your favorite people. wearing layers upon layers of clothes to stay warm and during the freezing walks to school. scarves and gloves. pigging out and making pretty cookies. giving hugs with the hope of retaining some body heat. i daresay this is the most wonderful time of the year..

smiles!

pirates never give up.

johnny and capt. gillian.